A donkey had an IQ of 186.
He had no friends at all though.
Even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a
smart-ass.
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IN META TODAY
1. MY POINT OF VIEW
2. ALL IN THE WORDS
3. CULTURAL PHONETICAL JOKES
4. FAMOUS
QUOTES
5. A fairy tale about King Arthur's court
6. YOUR MONTHLY GIFT FILE
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1. MY POINT OF VIEW
I
think that up to now I have just given you jokes and not enough of my
translation experience (34 years). Well, not exactly, I have told you a little
bit about my experience since I started META in June 1998 but not on a regular
basis. Alex Eames, in his last article, told us about respecting the deadline
and I was surprised to see that not everybody had the same opinion. How is it
possible not to deliver in time unless you have a very serious reason? In French, we say:
« L’exactitude est la politesse des rois » and the
Germans insist on “die Pünktlichkeit” (“Er war immer pünktlich” can you read if
you ask for a letter of reference from a German company). We cannot insist
enough on delivering the translation in time. You have given your word, so to
speak, and not keeping your word is very bad business. I think that the client
would have the right not to pay you if you do not ask him the permission to be
late, with a serious excuse (illness, for instance). If you think that for some
reason you cannot respect the deadline, advise the client well ahead of time
and ask him if it would be very inconvenient for him. He is counting on the
translation on that day because he has booked something else and he cannot do
it without your translation. Can you imagine the spot you put him in? Give him
time to rearrange his schedule. To be flexible is not only smart but most of
the time necessary; however we have to be prepared. So, prepare your client and
tell him well ahead of time that there is a change of plan. Now, if the client,
tells you: NO WAY! Then do something. Get another translator to help you but
DELIVER ON TIME. If the client cannot move the date, neither can you.
Well I have said my bit and it is time to smile.
2. ALL IN THE WORDS
"English point of view"
A Swiss, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus
stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung Sie Bitte, koennen Sie
Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez-vous
Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted and
frustrated.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says,
"Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language..."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew
four languages, and that didn't do him any good!"
“Three Daughters”
A mother had three daughters and on their wedding
day, she would ask each of them to write home and tell her about their married
life.
The first wrote back on the second day after she
got married. The letter arrived with only a single message, "Maxwell
Coffeehouse." The Mother was confused at first, but finally noticed a
Maxwell coffee ad on a
newspaper, and it said; "Satisfaction, to the
last drop..." So, the Mother was happy.
Then the second daughter got married and after a
week she sent home a letter. There was only one message, it read;
"Rothmans." So the Mother looked for a Rothmans' ad, and it says;
"LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE." The
Mother was happy.
After the third daughter got married, the Mother
was anxious to receive a message from her baby. It took 4 weeks for a message
to arrive. When it did the message simply said "BRITISH AIRWAYS." The
Mother was concerned. She frantically looked
through all the newspapers at home for a British Airways ad. She finally found
one and fainted.
The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A
WEEK, BOTH WAYS."
3. CULTURAL PHONETICAL JOKES
Most of the puns that follow are easy to
understand if you know the American culture and if you have lived in an English
speaking country for a long time. If you have any problem understanding the
punch line, you may ask me.
1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.
One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the
cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became
known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in
the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the
man who shot my paw."
4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a
Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over
the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes
a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter,
"What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Oh, there's no
plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
5. When she told me I was average, she was just
being mean.
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental
medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a
hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an
open foyer."
8. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop
off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his
habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One
afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to
find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a
daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at
his regular time, took one sip of the drink
and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm
sorry," replied the bartender,
"it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
9. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle
looking for something to eat. He came
across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was
typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the
book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest,
and writers cramp.
10.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
11.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family
in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
his mom. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her
husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen
Amal."
Contribution:
Diana Howell
4. QUOTES
"I
was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future but only way off to the
side." - Steven Wright
"I
belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they
send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for
me." - Dick Martin
"I
think that if the universe is truly infinite, then there must be some duplicate
Earth somewhere with a identical copy of everyone here. But the judge in the
paternity suit wasn't convinced."
- Deep Holon
"On
the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: 'Let's see the
evolutionists try and figure this one out.'" - Unknown
(From
'Cheers')
"Can
I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A
little early, isn't it, Woody?"
"For
a beer?"
"No,
for stupid questions."
"Health
experts now say there are 70 million rats in New York City, and Mayor Giuliani
said he intends to have the city trap and kill as many as possible. In a
related story, Mayor Giuliani announced that this fall students will have new,
meatier lunches." - Conan
O'Brien
"In
terms of policies, both Al and George want to save Social Security and reduce
taxes; to accomplish this, both men have proposed solid, workable, detailed
programs that will never actually be passed by Congress." - Dave Barry
"I
made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age." - Steven Wright
NOTICE:
"The Clairvoyant Society will not have its usual meeting this week, due to
unforeseen circumstances." -The
London Times
"The
other day I took my dog skydiving. Ever since then people tell me I must have
had a premonition when I first got the dog because I named him
'Pancake'." - Unknown
"For
birth control, I rely on my personality." - Milt Abel
"At
my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five
dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote." - Emo Phillips
"If
you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is
probably a joke that gets old real fast." - Jack Handey
"If
the walls have ears, why aren't they clearly marked? The last thing I want to
do is puncture an eardrum when I'm hanging up a picture." - Paul Paternoster
A
famous Playwright sent Churchill two tickets to opening night saying,
"Bring a friend ... if you have one." Churchill sent regrets saying,
"Can't make opening night, I can come the 2nd night ... if there is
one."
"I
have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it
scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of
it." - Steven Wright
5. A fairy tale about King Arthur's court
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.
The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would
perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible
query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's
proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the
princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all,
he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What
most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know
the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but
to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to
accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most
noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest
friend!
Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully
hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene
noises... He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He
refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a
burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told
him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered
Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of
her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth
and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went.
The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total
freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between
relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous.
The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her
hands, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gawain,
steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight
awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a
witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other
half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be
during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question? Gawain began to
think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his
friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would
he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to
enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Gawain chose follows
below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
Contribution:
Diana Howell
6. YOUR MONTHLY
GIFT FILE
This is a slide show in Power Point. Just click on
the link to download the file and enjoy the show.