META - ENGLISH - September 8, 1999

The Spiritual Translator Newsletter

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IN META TODAY

1. QUOTES XII

2. JOKES

3. STORIES

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1. QUOTES XII

"Anybody can win unless there happens to be a second entry."- George Ada

 "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." - Rodney Dangerfield

"I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, andI say, "Extra medium." - Steven Wright

"Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?" - Unknown

 "Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour." - Gioacchino Rossini (1792-1868)

"A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over there's nobody home', I went over - nobody was home." - Rodney Dangerfield

 "I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads." - Steven Wright

"Nearly everyone is in favor of going to heaven but too many are hoping they'll live long enough to see an easing of the entrance requirements." - Unknown

 "Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat." - John Lehman, US secretary of the Navy

"The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people." - Lucille S. Harper

PHILANTHROPIST, n:

(1) A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket. - Ambrose Bierce

(2) One who gives away what he should give back. - Unknown.

"The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues." - Elizabeth Taylor

""Wouldn't marathons be a lot more interesting if after the race started, hungry wild animals were released onto the course? Tigers would be fun." - R.M. Weiner

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." - Johnny Carson

"Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did." - Robert Benchley

GREAT TAGLINES:

Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.

If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!

Save the whales, collect the whole set.

2. JOKES

Ted and John wanted to get away from the countryside and see the world. One day Ted said to his brother "You know, we could do really well setting up our bungee- jumping service in Mexico". John thought this was a great idea, so the two pooled their money and bought all the equipment they needed. They traveled to Mexico and began to set up a tower near the center of the town for good publicity. As they began building the tower, a crowd assembled nearby. Slowly more and more people gathered to watch them work. They were excited at having such a big audience that Ted decided to jump and show his prospective clients all about bungee jumping. He bounced at the end of the cord. When he came back up, John noticed that he had a few cuts and scratches. As he flew by, John asked if the cord was too long. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to catch him. So Ted fell again, bounced and came back up. This time Ted was seriously bruised and bleeding. Again, John just missed catching him and asked if the cord was too long. Ted fell a third time. This time, when he bounced back, he was a complete mess with a couple of broken bones and was almost inconscious. Luckily, John finally caught his brother and said "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Ted said , "No, the cord was fine, but what in the world is a piñata?

Sent by C.C. Translation

During the celebration of their 50th Wedding Anniversary the wife noticed a tear in her husbands eye.

"I never realized how sentimental you are," she said.

"That's not it," he sniffed.

"Remember when your Father caught us in the barn, and he said if I didn't marry you he'd send me to jail for 50 years?"

"Yes..." said the puzzled wife with a frown.

Her husband continued, "Well, today I would have been a free man!!!"

Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how G-d sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie - talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge, and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that *really* what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!" 

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous snakes?"

The other replied, "You're darn right we are! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?"

To which the first replied, "Er... I just bit my tongue."

Here is a selection of actual answering machine messages.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message."

Headlines with double meanings that have appeared in newspapers from around the world.

~ March Planned For Next August

~ Blind Bishop Appointed To See

~ Lingerie Shipment Hijacked - Thief Gives Police The Slip

~ L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide

~ Patient At Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through

~ Diaper Market Bottoms Out

~ Stadium Air Conditioning Fails - Fans Protest

~ Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

~ Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store

~ Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

~ Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

~ Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin

~ Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

~ Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

~ Autos Killing 110 a Day - Let's Resolve to Do Better

~ If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

~ Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

~ Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

~ Flaming Toilet Seat Causes Evacuation at High School

~ Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentence

~ Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

~ Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan

~ Collegians are Turning to Vegetables

~ Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water

~ Farmer Bill Dies in House

~ Eye Drops off Shelf

~ Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

~ Miners Refuse to Work after Death

~ Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

~ Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

~ Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

~ New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

~ Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

~ Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

~ Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

~ Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

~ Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the sweetest face for the opening scene of the play. "Now, all you have to do is, when I direct the choir to sing '...and the angel lit the candle', you come on stage and light all the candles."

"I can do it - I can do it!" the little boy said, excited to be the one picked.

Rehearsals came and went, and finally the big night arrived. The choir was in grand voice, the stage was beautifully decorated with dozens of unlit candles all around, awaiting the moment when the cute littlest angel made his entrance.

The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to play, and the choir swept into the introductory lines, ending with an expectant "...and the angel lit the candle," and everyone looked stage right for the entrance.

No little boy.

The director gave the downbeat again, and gestured for a louder line, which the choir gave him - "...and the angel lit the candle," and again, all eyes looked stage right.

No little boy.

The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great, sweeping gestures, and the choir thundered into the line - the curtains belled slightly from the sound -

"...AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE!"

And into the silence which followed came a clear, boy-soprano voice floating piercingly from stage right,

"...and the cat peed on the matches!"

My Jewish brother married a Catholic wife. They'vegot two daughters, with a son on the way. The wife has been taking the daughters to Church every Sunday. One Sunday, during high mass, the older daughter (age 5) whispers in her mother's ear, "Can we go home now?""Not yet," replies her mother, "the mass is only half over." "We can go now, Mommy. I'm half-Jewish!"

FATHER: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the LAST check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."

DAUGHTER: "O.K."

Later.......

DAUGHTER: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the LAST child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

MOTHER: "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on HIS face."

3) STORIES

An article in National Geographic several years ago provided a penetrating picture of God's wings... After a forest fire in Yellowstone National Park, forest rangers began their trek up a mountain to assess the inferno's damage. One ranger found a bird literally petrified in ashes, perched statuesquely on the ground at the base of a tree.

Somewhat sickened by the eerie sight, he knocked over the bird with a stick. When he struck it, three tiny chicks scurried from under their dead mother's wings. The loving mother, keenly aware of impending disaster, had carried her offspring to the base of the tree and had gathered them under her wings, instinctively knowing that the toxic smoke would rise.

She could have flown to safety but had refused to abandon her babies. When the blaze had arrived and the heat had scorched her small body, the mother had remained steadfast.

Because she had been willing to die, those under the cover of her wings would live...

I am not going to finish META on such a beautiful but sad note....

Be on the lookout for symptoms of inner peace. The hearts of a great many have already been exposed to inner peace and it is possible that people everywhere could come down with it in epidemic proportions. This could pose a serious threat to what has, up to now, been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world.

Some signs to look for:

* A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.

* An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.

* A loss of interest in judging other people.

* A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.

* A loss of interest in conflict.

* A loss of the ability to worry. (This is a very serious symptom.)

* Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.

* Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.

* Frequent attacks of smiling.

* An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.

* An increased susceptibility to the love offered by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.