META - ENGLISH - September 1, 1999

The Spiritual Translator Newsletter

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IN META TODAY

1. QUOTES XI

2. JOKES

3. STORIES

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1. QUOTES XI

"I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home." - Groucho Marx

"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do?" - Ronnie Shakes

"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped." - Sam Levenson

"There is one sure way of telling when politicians aren't telling the truth - their lips move." - Felicity Kendall

"Procrastination gives you something to look forward to." - Joan Konner

"America is a land of untold wealth." - US Internal Revenue Service

"One time a guy pulled a knife on me... I could tell it wasn't a professional job; it had butter on it." - Rodney Dangerfield

"I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five." - Steven Wright

"I don't mind taking a risk, as long as I know everything will turn out okay." - Barbara Rush

"When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty." - Norm Crosby

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."- Henny Youngman

"Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car." - Evan Davis

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" - John Mendoza

"A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it." - Oscar Levant

"Twixt the optimist and pessimist The difference is droll: The optimist sees the doughnut But the pessimist sees the hole." - McLandburgh Wilson, 'Optimist and Pessimist'

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." - Dan Quayle

"A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat." - P. J. O'Rourke

"Usually, the food that you get in art museums is institutional revenge for the art that you get in restaurants." - Ralph Collier

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."- Bob Ettinger

"The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise." - Roger Simon

"Losing a wife can be hard. For me it was almost impossible." - Anonymous

2. JOKES

 Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Everytime I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.

Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it !

Two little boys, both aged nine, were set to appear in their first play. The first boy had to say, "Ha fair maiden, I've come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope." The second little boy was to say, "Hark, a pistol shot."

On opening night, the two boys were very nervous. It was their first time on stage and their parents were in the front row. The first little boy came out and said, "Ha fair maiden, I've come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap."

The second little boy was so shook after the first kid goofed up, when he came out he said, "Hark! A pistol shit! A shishtel pit! Cow shit!! Bull shit!! I didn't want to be in your damned play anyway!"

Was heard on a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando.

"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.

If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."

Q, What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

A. A genealogist looks up your family tree...A gynecologist looks up your family bush!

It had taken him several months, but the exec had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."

A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."

The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."

The woman yelled at her husband, "You're gonna be really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE you!"

He responded, "Make up your mind! Which one is it gonna be?"

A busty young thang was trying on an EXTREMELY low cut dress.  As she studied herself in the mirror, she asked the sales lady if she thought it was too low cut.

"Do you have hair on your chest?"

"No -- certainly NOT!!!"

"Then it's too low cut."

While swimming in the nude at a deserted California beach, the young man sustained a painful sunburn over his entire body; and later that night, while in bed with his date, he found the agony almost unbearable. Stepping into the kitchen, he poured a tall glass of cold milk and submerged the object of his greatest discomfort. "My Goodness!" the girl gasped, watching him from the doorway. I've always wondered how men load that thing!"

For this story, those who do not know American culture, must have seen the movie "Groundhog day" with Bill Murray, in order to understand this joke. If you do not the story, look in an Encyclopedia at the word "groundhog".

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.

The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful..."

"Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter. He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven.

He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiled broadly with delight.

The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

 The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.

The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.

Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump."

Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.

If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people.

The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

A snail can sleep for 3 years.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

China has more English speakers than the United States.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1000 and a size 108.7 acres.

The longest town name in the world has 167 letters.

Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.

"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.

No president of the United States was an only child.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

Sent by Alain (USA)

3) STORIES

 Hugging is healthy. It helps the immune system, cures depression, reduces stress and induces sleep. It's invigorating, rejuvenating and has no unpleasant side effects. Hugging is nothing less than a miracle drug.

Hugging is all natural. It is organic, naturally sweet, no artificial ingredients, non-polluting, environmentally friendly and 100 percent wholesome.

Hugging is the ideal gift. Great for any occasion, fun to give and receive, shows you care, comes with its own wrapping and, of course, fully returnable.

Hugging is practically perfect. No batteries to wear out, inflation-proof, non-fattening, no monthly payments, theft-proof and nontaxable.

Hugging is an underutilized resource with magical powers. When we open our hearts and arms we encourage others to do the same.

Think of the people in your life. Are there any words you'd like to say?

Are there any hugs you want to share? Are you waiting and hoping someone else will ask first? Please don't wait! Initiate!

By Charles Faraone from Condensed Chicken Soup for the Soul

Sent by María Eugenia (Peru)

There is a bridge connecting Heaven and Earth. It is called the Rainbow Bridge because of its many colors. Just this side of the Rainbow Bridge, there is a land of meadows, hills and valleys with lush green grasses.

When a beloved pet dies, the pet goes to this place. There is always food and water and warm spring weather. The old and the frail animals are young again. Those who are maimed are made whole again. They play all day, with each other.

There is only one thing missing, they are not with their special person who loved them on Earth. So, each day they run and play until the day comes when one suddenly looks up! The nose twitches. The ears are up. The eyes are staring. And this one suddenly runs from the group. You

have been seen, and when you and your special friend meet, you take him or her into your arms and embrace. Your face is kissed again and again , and you look once more into the eyes of your trusting pet. Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together, never again to be separated.

Archives

A lesson in "heart" is my little 10-year-old daughter, Sarah, who was born with a muscle missing in her foot and wears a brace all the time. She came home one beautiful spring day to tell me she had competed in "field day" - that's where they have lots of races and other competitive events.

Because of her leg support, my mind raced as I tried to think of encouragement for my Sarah, things I could say to her about not letting this get her down - but before I could get a word out, she said, "Daddy, I won two of the races!"

I couldn't believe it! And then Sarah said, "I had an advantage."

Ahh. I knew it. I thought she must have been given a head start . . . some kind of physical advantage. But again, before I could say anything, she said, "Daddy, I didn't get a head start . . . my advantage was I had to try harder!"

That's heart! That's my Sarah.

Setn by Maria Eugenia (Peru)