I am going to create a forum especially for META through which you will be able to talk to all the other readers DIRECTLY (if you want to) and THROUGH WHICH YOU WILL ALSO RECEIVE META. The advantage of this forum is that you can, at will, subscribe or unsubscribe from META (any META, because I will create 3 forums, one for each language) without going through my email. This is great when you go on holiday or on maternity or paternity leave or when you take a trip around the world or anything else...

You write to an email address that will be given to you when you receive the information that you have been registered to the forum. If you do not want to be part of the forum (and not receive META), just write to the unsubscribe email address indicated from the same address where you received the message (some people have 2 or more addresses but the computer does not know that!). If you want to be registered, DO NOTHING.

The reason? I have new subscribers every day and this is taking more and more of my time to do it by hand.

All the information will be on my site to-morrow.

If you have a site related to translation do not forget to put it in the ring "Translation on the web".

You can join on the page: www.all-languages.com.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 There are some excellent sites to help you find translation work. Most of you know them already but for those who are lost and looking for work, check the following sites:

http://www.glennsguide.com/
who just join forces with etranslate

http://pages.infinit.net/karining/
where you will find a list of reputable agencies (including all-languages!)

The OPAUI pages:

http://spin.com.mx/~smarin/gen.html
Telling you about Aquarius, Lantra, as well as..
Radovan Pletka - A colleague who takes the trouble to compile a weekly listing of jobs. Drop him a note for subscription details.

http://www.linguists.com/
- Another excellent on-line translator registration service.

AND NOW TIME TO LAUGH.................

"I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back."- Jack Handey

"Being married or single is a choice we all have to make. It's not a great choice ... it's sort of like when the doctor goes, 'Ointment or suppositories.'" - Richard Jeni

"Skimp on your wedding dress. Why spend a lot of money on something you're only going to wear five or six times." - Charisse Savarin

"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left." - Unknown

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." - Bruce Baum

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" - Richard Jeni

"Listen to a random group of Americans attempting to sing 'Happy Birthday,' and you will note that at any given moment they somehow manage to emit more different notes, total, than there are group members, creating a somber, droning sound such as might be created by severely asthmatic bagpipers, so that the birthday person, rather than feeling happy, winds up weeping into the cake." - Dave Barry

"If crime fighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?" - George Carlin

"If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets." - Mel Brooks

"Since this Galaxy began, vast civilizations have risen and fallen, risen and fallen, risen and fallen so often that it's quite tempting to think that life in the Galaxy must be (a) something akin to seasick, space-sick, time-sick, history-sick, or some such thing, and (b) stupid." - Douglas Adams, "Life, the Universe and Everything"

"I don't believe for a second, weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that's indecision." - Paula Poundstone

"I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." - Chico Marx

"If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you." - Jack Handey

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity." - Albert Einstein

"Life is like an overlong drama through which we sit being nagged by the vague memories of having read the reviews." - John Updike

"Our parents got divorced when we were kids and it was kind of cool. We got to go to divorce court with them. It was like a game show. My mom won the house and car. We were all excited. My dad got some luggage." - Tom Arnold

"Jews and Christians are different in a lot of ways. Some Christian people will actually have religious bumper stickers on their cars. Like 'Jesus is King.' 'The Lord Saves.' Jews don't do that. You never see, 'Honk if you love Moses.' - Gregg Rogell

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day just exactly fits the newspaper." - Jerry Seinfeld

"I disturbed a burglar the other night. I told him there is no God." - Peter Murkin

"Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs." - P. J. O'Rourke

 3. JOKES

 Company Jokes

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers ----

Fairwell Honeychild

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler ----

Poly-Warner-Cracker

3M & Goodyear ---- MMMGood

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil ---- Honey I'm Home

Denison Mines, Alliance Corp., and Metal Mining ----

Mine All Mine

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expects to do this job since he is blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.

The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"

The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."

"Correct," says the manager, "now try this one."

"That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.

"Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face.

"I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?"

The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.

The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the bathroom door off a tuna boat!"

The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.

The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

The principal replies that he knows little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.

Even more appalled the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.

After listening he replies: "I cannot see why you are making such a big issue out of this; we will get three quotations and fix the damned wall."

A group of people were traveling cross-country on a Greyhound bus. The driver had just turned onto the interstate highway when a woman came up to him and said, "Please stop the bus, there's a man back there who is bothering me."

The driver said he'd stop at the very next exit. A short while later, another woman came up and made the same complaint. When the driver was finally able to stop, he walked to the rear of the bus and saw a little, old, baldheaded man down on his hands and knees.

The bus driver asked, "Sir, what seems to be the problem?"

"Well," says the little, old man, "I lost my toupee and I'm looking for it. I thought I'd found it several times, but mine parts on the side."

This married couple was enjoying a dinner out when this gorgeous blonde walks over to their table, exchanges warm greetings with the husband and walks off.

"Who was that?" demands the wife.

"If you must know, that was my mistress."

"Your MISTRESS? I want a divorce!"

"Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the suburbs, a Mercedes, furs, jewelry, and a vacation home in Mexico?"

They continued dining in silence for a while. Finally, the woman asks, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"

"That's HIS mistress."

"Oh... Well I think ours is cuter."

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Neil says to Bob. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "He's happy now. But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass."

"Where's The Baby?"

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.

Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

"New Baby"

Realizing that their home just wasn't big enough with the new baby in the house, Little Johnny's parents discussed moving to a bigger one.

Little Johnny sat patiently listening to his parents, then piped in, "It's no use. He'll just follow us anyway."

"Delivering In The Country"

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. I was so far out that there was no electricity.

When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"

Here's a list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong:

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

3. Gun wounds again?

4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

12. You daring lousy guy.

13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!

14. I have been scared witless too much lately.

15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert floor for your aunts to eat.

20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynaecologist for a thorough extermination.

21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment.

Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.

Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation.

Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.

Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?

Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.

Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?

Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.

Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?

Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.

Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container.

Trucker: Yeah, that's right. All lead.

Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.

Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.

"Doc, Help Me!"

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, Doc! I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and

I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Ha! For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10."

"Oh? Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

"Psychoanalist"

She had been seeing the psychoanalyst for years, pouring out her heart to him twice a week. However, she was making no progress, and the doctor didn't believe she ever would.

"Mrs. Porter," he said at the end of one session, "do you think these visits are doing you any good?"

"Not really," she said. "My inferiority complex is as strong as ever."

"Mrs. Porter," the doctor said, "I have something to tell you. You don't have an inferiority complex. You are, in fact, inferior."

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can

haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.

He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"

The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house." The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a damn good sermon!"

The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"

The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that i thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that collection plate there."

And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?"

One day a young couple where having sex in a park and where caught by a police officer. The couple denied that they where having sex. The only witness was a homeless man, who saw the whole incident.

When the court date came, The judge called the homeless man to the stand and asked what he saw the night of the incident

The homeless man said, "Your honor I saw these two people in the park fucking."

The judge replied "Did you just say the word 'fucking' in my court room? That's disrespect and contempt and that'll cost you two days in jail!"

Two days later he called the homeless man back to the stand and asked him again, "What did you see this couple doing on the night in question?"

The homeless man said, "I already told you, your Honor, they were fucking."

"There's that WORD again. Now you get *three* days in jail!" And off the poor homeless man went.

Three days pass and the homeless man was back in front of the judge. "I'm going to give you just one more chance. Tell me what those two were doing that night! And do it without ANY foul language!"

The homeless man thought for a second and said, "Your Honor, his pants were around his knees, his balls were swinging in the breeze, his you-know-what was you-know-where, and if that ain't 'fucking', well you can give me the chair."

.....AND TIME TO PONDER.

If you want to win an election, you have to get more votes than your opponents.

If you want to win a baseball game, your team has to score more runs than the other team.

If you want to be the top-rated television show, your program has to attract more viewers than the others.

If you want to have a "winning" day, there are "Twenty-One More Thans" you have to do:

You have to listen more than you talk.

You have to givemore than you get.

You have to smile more than you frown.

You have to think "we" more than you think "me."

You have to agree more than you disagree.

You have to compliment more than you criticize.

You have to laugh more than you cry.

You have to clean up more than you mess up.

You have to be positive more than you're negative.

You have to be fascinated more than you're frustrated.

You have to "walk the talk" more than you "talk the talk."

You have to be accepting more than rejecting.

You have to see the cup "half-full" more than you see it "half-empty."

You have to help more than you hinder.

You have to believe in yourself more than youdoubt yourself.

You have to work more than you whine.

You have to do more than you don't.

You have to act more than you react.

You have to save more than you squander.

You have to care more than you ever have.

You have to love more than you ever have.

Sent by Maria-Eugenia (Peru)