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The Future of English? A guide to forecasting the popularity of the English language in the 21^st century, by David Graddol, with a foreword by the Prince of Wales, published October 1997 by the British Council, London, ISBN 0 86355 356.

This is an important book. Linguists everywhere need to know whether the rise of English as a world language is unstoppable, or whether it will peak and then begin to give ground to other languages. And those who use English as a first or second language need to know in what direction it will develop. Earlier this year Professor David Crystal, who is frequently quoted in this new work, tackled a similar subject in his book English as a Global Language (Cambridge University Press).

This is also a well-informed book, and it is difficult to think how it could have been better done. David Graddol avoids guesswork and easy conclusions, and looks at the evidence. He identifies and examines trends, even when they are apparently contradictory, and checks theories which have been put forward against the facts. "Establishing and understanding the links between those things which can and have been measured and the use of the English language worldwide, is a matter of theory building and testing".

This book has a comprehensive sweep. Its author takes an inter-disciplinary approach, and seems equally at home with linguistics, economics, statistics, futurology, demography, technology, youth culture, global media and culture flows

Although sponsored by the British Council through its English 2000 project, an official organisation which works to promote British culture, The Future of English? is commendably objective. English 2000 seeks to forecast future uses of English worldwide for the British Council, so they can plan their strategies.

So, is English going to take over the world, or not? The answer of course is not as simple as that. A key passage is the following:

"These competing trends will give rise to a less predictable context within which the English language will be learned and used. There is, therefore, no way of precisely predicting the future of English since its spread and continued vitality is driven by such contradictory forces. As David Crystal has commented: 'There has never been a language so widely spread or spoken by so many people as English. There are therefore no precedents to help us see what happens to a language when it achieves genuine world status'".

"The likelihood, as this book demonstrates, is that the future for English will be a complex and plural one. The language will grow in usage and variety, yet simultaneously diminish in relative global importance. We may find the hegemony of English replaced by an oligarchy of languages, including Spanish and Chinese. To put it in economic terms, the size of the global market for the English language may increase in absolute terms, but its market share will probably fall".

The book emphasizes the 'discontinuity' which we can expect as we move into the 21^st century, where new technologies "may upset the traditional patterns of communication upon which institutional and national cultures have been built". The English language itself is about to undergo radical changes, as the speakers of English as a second language come to have more influence on its development than those for whom it is a native language. And other languages will also be influenced. "The growing use of English as a 'relay language' to permit translation from any language to any other via English, will produce new forms of language contact which may encourage the convergence of other languages, at least in their controlled forms, with the semantic and syntactic structures of English'.

The book tackles head-on the matter of language loss - the extinction of many of the world's smaller languages - an issue of major concern to linguists everywhere, even if English is not the problem here (though because of its high global profile it is often English which gets the blame). "This trend towards reduced linguistic diversity is the outcome of global demographic and economic trends: the local cultures and lifestyles which supported small community languages are disappearing and their speakers are usually those with least political or cultural power...But it is not only the very small languages which are likely to suffer from language shift... There will be, in the 21^st century, a major shake-up of the global language hierarchy."

Then there are the languages which may be the beneficiaries of changing patterns. The BIG languages by the mid-21^st century look like being Chinese, Hindi with Urdu, English, Spanish and Arabic, with Malay and Russian being important regional languages, followed by around 90 national languages in over 220 states. As someone who has been going round conferences in recent months inveighing against the short-sightedly Eurocentric nature of our language teaching and translator training in the west, I would like to thrust in the faces of teachers and trainers everywhere figure 38 ('The world language hierarchy in 2050?'). And it is quite possible that English itself may peak around 2035.

But although I have tried to pull some plums out of this book, I feel uneasy about having done so, since that means I have fallen into the trap of trying to find simple conclusions from a complex situation. A short review cannot in fact do justice to the quality of the arguments and perceptions. And although I have quibbles - I feel he does not give sufficient importance to the future application of 'bundled' technologies (speech processing + machine translation + video conferencing, to give one example) - this is a book which has been resonating in my mind since I read it.

We have a good tip from Mary Maloof. Here is her message:

One of my clients just sent me a converter program (freeware) that is just WONDERFUL, and I know that if I, as a translator, am already getting good use out of it, you could too! So I just had to pass the word about it to you all. It's a very small program that takes just a second to download (won't choke up your modem line!) and you can just save it onto your computer's desktop to load as needed. It does weights, liquid measures, lengths, monetary conversions (not currency, but things like discounts, salary, sales tax), speeds, Roman numerals, bytes, fractions, musical conversions, electrical conversions, time conversions,pathfinder codes, temperatures, and God knows what else.

You can dowload it from my ftp site at:

 "The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called 'Dad.' We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you." - Jack Handey

"Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. What will become of them? This world is truly coming to an end." - Socrates (470-399 B.C.)

"The reigning Miss Canada has been arrested for punching out another woman in a bar fight. Quite frankly, I think it's refreshing to finally find one beauty pageant winner who is against world peace." - Jay Leno

"You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams." - Rita Rudner

"One night in 1879 at a bar in a town called Menlo Park, NJ, some men were drinking beer, when suddenly one of them announced that he was going to invent an electric light. The others laughed, but that man got up, put on his coat and hat, and accidentally walked into the fireplace, thereby setting his coat on fire. This gave Thomas Edison, who was at another table drinking coffee, the idea of using carbonized cotton as the filament in his light bulb. So we see that beer, if used correctly, can be a tremendous force for good."- Dave Barry

"We should not permit prayer to be taken out of the schools; that's the only way most of us got through." - Sam Levenson

"Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?"- Jack Handey

"Whenever someone asks me what two plus two equals, I just shake my head and laugh at them for asking such a dumb question, even though I really don't know the answer. What gullible fools." - Will Gillespie

"Seriously, I happen to live in South Florida, and the crime situation down here is really not that bad, as long as you take certain basic precautions - locking your doors, avoiding poorly lit areas, moving to Idaho, etc." - Dave Barry

"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked if I had any questions. I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? He said he couldn't answer that. I told him sorry, but I couldn't work for him then." - Steven Wright

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." - Rich Cook

"If you're hanging around with nothing to do and the zoo is closed, come over to the Senate. You'll get the same kind of feeling and you won't have to pay." - Robert J. Dole

"The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces." - Maureen Murphy

"Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code...he turned himself in."- Rita Rudner

"One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said: Didn't you see the stop sign. I said Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." - Steven Wright

 "INSCRIPTIONS"

Here lies my wife,
I bid her goodbye.
She rests in peace
and now so do I.
--

Here lies Henry Blake
He stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
--

"CLASSICS FROM REAL GRAVES"

Here lies John Yeast,
Pardon him for not rising.
Here I lie

And no wonder I'm dead,
For the wheel of a semi
Went over my head.

Here lies Lester More.
Shot in the head with a .44
No Les no more ...

"Funeral Joke"

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" "No," she insists as she hands him a check to buy one. "It must be blue." When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her...so I switched the heads."

"THE IMPORTANCE OF CORRECT PUNCTUATION"

Compare these two letters:

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?

Gloria

--

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,

Gloria

"Death Bed"

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."

"Priests and nuns"

One morning two priests head to the showers. It isn't until they were already in the shower, that they realized they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap. Rather than get dressed, he peeks out into the hallway, and since no one is around, he decides to make a run for it. He gets the two bars of soap and checks the hall before heading back to the showers. All was clear, so he makes a break for it. Just as he turns the corner to the showers, he spots three nuns walking toward him. With nowhere to go, and hoping that the nuns will think he is a statue, he stands perfectly still, holding the two bars of soap. The nuns approach and the first nun says, "Oh my, look at that! Isn't that the most life-like statue you've ever seen?" She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's winnnie. Startled, he drops the first bar of soap. "Oh Heavens," she exclaims, "I got a bar of soap!" The second nun is also amazed at how realistic the statue looks, so she steps in for a closer look. She takes a couple of yanks on the priest's weenie, and he drops the other bar of soap. "My goodness, I got a bar of soap also!" The nuns can't believe it. the third nun, overcome by the miracle statue,walks up to it and gives a few tugs to the priest's weenie."My God, this is amazing," she says, "I got liquid soap!"

"Rent is due....."

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:
"Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1.It had never been occupied; 2.There was plenty of heat; 3.It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large." Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:
"Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."

Sent by Marie-Claude (Suisse)

Short stories XIV

A GOOD WIFE: Is a woman who stands by her husband through all the troubles he wouldn't have had if he hadn't married her.

-<-

"You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." ~ Modeling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944

-<-

In an effort to inspire efficiency, an office manager had placed a sign directly above the mens room's sink. It had a single word on it - "THINK!" The next day, someone had carefully lettered another sign just above the soap dispenser that read - "THOAP!"

-<-

The heaviest element known to science is managerium. The element has no protons or electrons but has a nucleus composed of one neutron, two vice-neutrons, five assistant vice-neutrons, 25 pro vice-neutrons and 125 assistant pro vice-neutrons all going round in circles. Managerium has a half-life of three years at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization. Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

-<-

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have, I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son."

-<-

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

-<-

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

-<-

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

"YESTERDAY: You know the tune... sing it"

Yesterday,

All those backups seemed a waste of pay.

Now my database has gone away.

Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,

There's not half the files there used to be,

And there's a milestone hanging over me

The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong

What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone

and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,

The need for back-ups seemed so far away.

I knew my data was all here to stay,

Now I believe in yesterday.

This article is too long to put in the jokes but maybe it is not a joke to the believers... so I put it in my "spiritual" section.

"Rabbi says striking a balance is key" by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach

Shmuley Boteach, Oxford University's rabbi and the father of six, has written a new book about keeping the marital fires aglow. The book is based on Talmudic teachings and the Old Testament but it's not just for Jewish couples. It's meant for a broad audience and draws from the wisdom of a variety of literary and cultural figures, ranging from Bertrand Russell to Marilyn Monroe. Below, read an excerpt.

Platonic friendship - the interval between the introduction and the first kiss. -Sophie Irene Loeb

I have always detested the belief that sex is the chief bond between man and woman. Friendship is far more human. -Agnes Smedley

Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is physics. -Anonymous

Husbands are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives. -Marilyn Monroe

'Any truly successful marriage must perforce distill the contradictory ingredients of passion and intimacy. We do indeed want our spouse to be both our lover and our best friend. And this is what kosher sex is all about.'

ONE OF THE rules of dating is that when a man tires of the woman he is seeing (or in many cases when a woman tires of a man), he cannot simply call her up and end it. No, that would be too heartless and cruel. Rather, dumping her comes in the form of the famous let's-be-friends phone call. "I really like you," he tells her. "But I like you as a friend. I love you more like a sister." Or, "I really like you, but the lab results have just returned and I have only four weeks to live, and I'd like to spend it with my pets." Or, "I'm crazy about you. But I've decided that I'm just not good enough for you. So, I've found a new woman in my life who is far less perfect." I even know a man who told a girlfriend he wanted to ditch that he had just discovered that he was gay and had fallen in love with his best friend. Excuses aside, everyone is supposed to understand that lovers cannot also be friends. Yet, amazingly, when it comes to marriage, people believe that entirely different rules apply.

FRIENDS IN MARRIAGE In my years of counseling couples, I have encountered two kinds of marriages. There are those couples who trust each other implicitly and explicitly. They are each other's confidants and most trusted companions. They share every secret and they depend and rely on each other utterly. No wedge can be driven between them because they are inseparable. They have friends outside the marriage, but they relate to their friends as a single unit, as a couple. They are therefore more friendly with couples than they are with individual men and women. Communication is the norm in such marriages, not lovemaking. Their union is based far more on compatibility - similar interests - than on raw physical attraction.

These couples lack no intimacy in their life. So what's their problem? There is little or no passion. They have great conversations, but when they undress in the bedroom the newspaper comes out and the television is immediately switched on. Theirs is a love like water, not like fire. Based on trust and intimacy, their whole relationship is more about compatibility than attraction. It is not a passionate relationship and this has both positive and negative aspects. Positive because it means there is deep trust and they rarely argue. Why would they fight? They have no fire. They do not make each other's blood boil. But since there is no flame, their marriage is predictable.

LOVERS IN MARRIAGE Then there are the husbands and wives who are lovers. Theirs is a passionate, fiery union. They fight and argue constantly. They do not, however, completely love or even trust each other. When they need advice about important life decisions, they do not seek it from each other. There is little calm in their marriage, and it is almost always tempest-tossed. But one thing they have is plenty of fire. They have a great intensity of emotion toward each other. They are constantly arguing and making up, with great passion and fervor. Their lovemaking sessions are wonderful. But they can't seem to get along and truly communicate outside the bedroom. They have physical knowledge, but not emotional intimacy. The wife has her friends, and the husband has his. They don't really do things as a couple, and when they do, it is for a specific reason. They love each other, but they don't necessarily like each other. They don't share similar tastes and they are not similar types. Their marriage is a constant crescendo of highs and lows. For this reason they love each other passionately, but they also get on each other's nerves. There is nothing dull about their marriage, but then, there is nothing serene about it either. Like a guitar, their strings are strung too tightly.

HOW WE ACHIEVE BOTH The problem inherent in this paradox is that for any marriage to be a success, it must somehow bridge this gap and fuse together conflicting opposites. A marriage requires both fire and water in order to be a success. Any truly successful marriage must perforce distill the contradictory ingredients of passion and intimacy. We do indeed want our spouse to be both our lover and our best friend. And this is what kosher sex is all about. For kosher sex is passionate lovemaking that leads to intimacy. There are moments in our life when we want novelty, romance, passion, and excitement. We want our spouse to whisk us to Katmandu for a romantic weekend. We want to jump from hotel to hotel, ripping each other's clothes off, laughing giddily together as we stroll down the Champs Elysees hand in hand. But there is another side to marriage as well. After a couple of weeks of hotels and living on airplanes, we want to come home to the serenity, comfort, and predictability of our own home. At least in half of our lives we wish not for novelty but for sameness. We want a marriage where we can talk and exchange thoughts. We want companionship and friendship. We wish to share our life with a spouse who not only makes us careen through the rafters of the ceiling, but grow intellectually and emotionally, someone with whom we can not only rush to the bedroom with, but with whom we can build an entire home. In short, we desire calmness amid the frequent storms. No marriage is truly successful or fulfilling unless both these opposites are accommodated. But fire and water cancel each other out. So how can we achieve both simultaneously?

JOINING FIERY AND WATERY LOVE Recognizing this dilemma, the Bible, more than three millennia ago, ingeniously offered the following solution. Every month, there must be two weeks devoted to physical love, and two weeks devoted to intellectual communication and emotional intimacy. And what better cycle to follow than the exact rhythm of the female body itself. While husband and wife are permitted to indulge in sex for two weeks, they will forge deep emotional bonds. They unite physically and feel close emotionally. Their passionate physical life deepens their emotion and feeling for each other.

Sex for pleasure is an end in itself. But kosher sex is a journey whose destination is a couple who feel joined not only by the same roof or children, but especially through the enjoyment and pleasure they constantly give each other.

When the woman's menses begin, their two weeks are up - just before monotony sets in. They must separate for the five days of menstruation and for seven days thereafter and maintain a strict period of sexual abstinence. During this period they will be able to capitalize on everything that has been achieved in their physical union, transmuting the relationship onto a deeper emotional and intellectual plane. They develop the friendship side of their marriage and they focus on discovering the personality rather than the flesh. Feeding off each other's minds rather than bodies, they talk instead of caress, share secrets instead of kiss, and discuss each other's workday. Focusing on the broader aspects of their life outside of the bedroom, they can discuss the children, their plans for a family holiday, their business relationships, and their relationship with their respective parents. It is a rhythm that is healthy for the woman and accords with the natural impulses that accompany menstruation. Many women have an innate aversion to sex during menstruation. A period of abstention allows the wall of the uterus to rebuild itself and affords a woman an opportunity of not having to accommodate her husband sexually at a time of physical discomfort. As the days pass and they begin to hunger for each other, they don't immediately follow their instincts and grab each other. Rather, they allow their nonphysical communication to build up into an intense longing. Their libidinous reserve replenishes itself until, twelve days after they have separated, their love for each other reaches its crescendo, when their inner fire and passion, which have been escalating, leap out like the eruption of a volcano, and they unite together in fiery physical bliss. Like the time when they first married, they enjoy a monthly honeymoon in which they rediscover each other's bodies. Symbolizing this imminent rebirth, on the night of their reunion with their husbands, Orthodox Jewish women go to a "mikveh," a small ritual pool of water, where they immerse themselves after the twelve-day separation. Emerging from the water pool is a symbol of physical regeneration and spiritual renewal, which leads a woman back to her husband, like a bride to groom, reminding them of the enormous passion they experienced when they first discovered the pleasures of the flesh. It is a totally private affair. No one is present save for a female mikveh attendant, which reflects the beautiful feminine mystique and hidden charms of sexual eroticism.

MARRIAGE IS MEANT TO BE EXCITING Couples who truly wish to become lovers but also best friends must develop these two antithetical dimensions of their marriage. Anything else is a recipe for regularity that snuffs out the excitement of marriage. People are living, animate creatures. If we were only cerebral, our lives would be fairly predictable; we are emotional beings, however, and therefore hate routine, which ultimately bores us. Too many couples try to make their marriages proceed along a straight line. They share a bed constantly, and wonder why their sex life loses its spark after a short while. They have sex several times a week, with no break, and wonder why it comes in short, forgettable spasms. In truth, people cannot proceed straight, but, rather, must tack like a sailboat between passion and intimacy. This marriage pattern also helps in attaining harmony between the male and female libido. As mentioned earlier, male sexual desire thrives on novelty and newness. Men have a very short sexual attention span, and quickly tire of an available body that provides no adventure and can be conquered without a chase. The period of sexual abstention, therefore, provides a constant challenge whereby a husband lusts and hungers for his unavailable wife rather than chasing after his forbidden secretary. He will never tire of his wife's body, because for two weeks of each month she remains outside his grasp, ever elusive, beckoning him for more.

KOSHER SEX IN A NUTSHELL Kosher sex is carnal love that leads to knowledge and intimacy. Bertrand Russell wrote in "Love, an Escape from Loneliness:" "Civilized people cannot fully satisfy their sexual instinct without love. The instinct is not fully satisfied unless a man's whole being, mental quite as much as physical, enters into the relation." Sex at its best, therefore, is an act of capitulation whereby two strangers allow themselves to be carried away to a promised land of familiarity and togetherness. Casual sex, by contrast, is where the two participants stand their ground in the wake of that tidal wave of positive emotion that sex calls forth, remaining rooted and atomized in their own sphere. Sex for pleasure is an end in itself. But kosher sex is a journey whose destination is a couple who feel joined not only by the same roof or children, but especially through the enjoyment and pleasure they constantly give each other. The fire of sexual attraction and sexual union in the bedroom leads to the closeness and intimacy in life outside the bedroom. Conversely, when sexual attraction is diminished within marriage, the marriage falters in other areas as well. As Masters and Johnson write: "When things don't work well in the bedroom, they don't work well in the living room either." Conversely, a man who is not attentive and romantic to his wife outside the bedroom cannot suddenly expect her to perform inside the bedroom. So, romance and love leads to sex, and kosher sex continues the cycle by engendering continued romance and love. The purpose of sex is to sew two distinct bodies together as one flesh. When you want to connect the sleeve with the body of a sweater, you take a needle and thread, put the needle through the two separate pieces, and even after you later remove the needle, it has become one garment. The same is true of sex. A man and a woman share a very intense, bonding experience that leaves them sewn together with emotional thread even after they separate. Sex is a supreme bonding process that has no equal. Kosher sex is where a man and woman share a most intense experience and thereby feel themselves to be connected after the sex is over. Movies today show people having great sex. Great sex makes you feel amazing and has you howling and swinging from the rafters together with your lover. But kosher sex is not measured during the lovemaking itself, but the morning after, when you can't get your partner off your mind: Great sex has you screaming the deity and your mother's name during the act. Kosher sex has you remembering your lover's name after the act. Great sex has you focused entirely on the body of your partner. Kosher sex has you bound with the soul of your lover. Great sex promotes physical exhilaration. Kosher sex leads to spiritual integration. Great sex highlights the contours of the body. Kosher sex raises the personality up from the confines of the flesh. Great sex satisfies a hormonal urge for sexual release. Kosher sex caters to a spiritual need for human transcendence and fusion with another soul. Great sex consists entirely of motions. Kosher sex consists of motions that elicit lasting emotions. Great sex is undertaken by two separate bodies, kosher sex by two halves of the same soul. Great sex is making friction. Kosher sex is making love. Great sex is a premeditated and calculated performance. Kosher sex is the total submission to instinct, freeing the individual of all inhibition. Great sex is about the interaction of two bodies, kosher sex the integration of two souls. Great sex leaves no trace. Kosher sex leaves no separation or space. Great sex is measured while you're in bed together with your partner. Kosher sex is measured in the period thereafter, when you are physically apart but emotionally close. Great sex can often have a man trying to remember the name of his partner from the night before. Kosher sex has a man asking the woman he loves to take his last name forevermore. Great sex needs many new partners to sustain its passion. Kosher sex unearths deeper layers of the same partner, leading to replenishment and renewal. After great sex, we promptly fall asleep. After kosher sex, we fall into each other's arms. Great sex can be had even while all one's barriers and inhibitions are still up. Kosher sex is humans at their most vulnerable, when their defenses are down and their heart exposed. Great sex is a performance, while kosher sex is an event. Great sex is a form of sensual gratification. Kosher sex is the ultimate form of knowledge. Great sex is a delight of the body. Kosher sex is a delight of the soul. Great sex is an end to an encounter, while kosher sex is the beginning of a relationship. Kosher sex is the solution to the modern dilemma of sex. As great as the desire for sex may be, the desire for intimacy is still greater. Kosher sex is the kind of sex that caters to this need, because kosher sex leads to intimacy. Kosher sex is passion born of romance. Kosher sex is strong and intense motions that elicit lasting and unfailing emotions. It provides what the Bible proclaims: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and leave his mother, he shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall become one flesh."

Copyright © 1999 Shmuley Boteach. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of Doubleday, a division of Random House, Inc.