META - ENGLISH - May 28, 1999

The Spiritual Translator Newsletter

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. QUOTES AND WONDERS

"A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once." Ed Wynn

"The best cure for insomnia is plenty of sleep." W. C. Fields

"Trespassers will be shot; survivors will be prosecuted." Mitch Million (1960-)

"I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer." Unknown

"Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration." Thomas A. Edison (1847-1931)

"History repeats itself; historians repeat each other." Philip Guedalla

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner." Lynda Montgomery

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life." Unknown

"The Declaration of Independence, the words that launched our nation - 1,300 words. The Bible, the Word of God - 773,000 words. The Tax Code, the words of politicians - 7,000,000 words - and growing!" Steve Forbes

"Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel." John Quinton

"Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing." Wernher Von Braun

 Found in Archives

2. JOKES

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another

one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort near a national park. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.

The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake. She rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the park ranger in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy blind, or what?'

"You're in a no-fishing area," he informs her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and charge you."

"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.

"I didn't even touch you," grouses the ranger.

"Yes, that's true....but you have all the equipment."

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God made you, Grandpa?""Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?" "Yes, He did," the grandpa answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in a small mirror. Her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

A young woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, she slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded "What took you so long?"

and he replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of "looming" retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do.

The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids.

The man said, "Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters a couple of weeks each. That would take about a year."

The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, "I'm one of eighteen kids in my family."

The first fellow's eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain.

"The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing."

(Puzzlement)

Smile. "My Mom & Dad would go to bed at night, and my Dad would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my Mom would say, `What?'"

WHEN SOME WOMAN SAY:

"This place is a mess! C'mon,

you and I need to clean up.

Your stuff is lying on the floor

and you'll have no clothes to wear,

if we don't do laundry right now!"

THIS IS WHAT SOME MEN HEAR:

"Blah, blah, blah, blah, c'mon

blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I

blah, blah, blah, blah, on the floor

blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes

blah, blah, blah, right now!"

After church one Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us," the mother said, "but what made you decide to be a minister?"

"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man.

"What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.

"Don't know of collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"I don't know; it has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank.

He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put it in my pocket."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.

"I don't know of deposit."

"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."

As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a groupof ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

This guy goes into a bar and sees a man pounding shots of bourbon as fast as the bartender can pour them. He watches for a while then finally goes up to the drunk.

"What kind of a way is that to drink good bourbon?" he asks.

"It's the only way I can drink it since my accident," the man replies, throwing down two more shots in fast order.

"What kind of accident was that?"

The man guzzles another shot, shudders and then answers, "I once knocked over a drink with my elbow."

These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given out in honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. "nova" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go."

1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela," meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole," translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"

12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information." "Who was that?" his young wife asked. "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? A. Marry her!

 Q. What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers? A. A wedding.

 A man will pay $2 for a $1 item that he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

To be happy with a man, a woman must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, a man must love her a lot but not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 periods in his life when a man doesn't understand a woman - before and after the wedding.

The couple stepped up to the desk clerk of one of the city's nicer hotels. "I'd like a room and a bath for my wife and myself," said the gentleman.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir," said the clerk, "but the only room available doesn't have bathroom facilities."

"Will that be all right with you, dear?" the gentleman asked the young lady at his side.

"Sure, mister," she said.

Found in Archives

3. STORY

I headed for home by myself at approximately 10 PM. I was between exits when a car pulled into the right most lane beside me (I was in the center lane) and started matching speeds with me. After a minute, I tried to slow down so he would pass. He slowed, too. I regained my previous speed, and he sped up with me. Finally after a few minutes of this, he pulled slightly ahead of me, rolled down his window and motioned towards my tire as though something was wrong. The man had already begun to make me nervous by driving along side me for some distance on the mostly empty highway, and now my training took over.

This man is trying to get me off the road by myself here in the dark," I thought. This, in case you are unfamiliar with the area, is basically the middle of nowhere. I know my car. I am very careful with maintenance, and I am an experienced driver. I know what a flat tire feels like. I knew my car was fine. I put on my turn signal and moved to the right-most lane behind the man anyway and slowed down slightly (there is always the chance that something could have been wrong, better to be prepared). The other car pulled onto the shoulder and started slowing down. Now I knew he was definitely trying to get me to pull over. I passed him, he swerved back on the road and drove right behind me.

At the next exit, there were two gas stations. They were well lit and there were a few people there. I exited, he followed. Not only this, but a car I had not previously noticed, that was in front of us suddenly swerved off the exit when I put my turn signal on.

I know this scenario. I grew up in some pretty bad areas. I have had training in this. At this point, everything I had learned was in control. I decided not to stop anywhere. By now there was absolutely no doubt that my car was fine.

When we approached the stop sign at the dark, empty intersection after the gas stations, the car ahead of me put on his left turn signal and stopped. I checked for traffic as I approached the intersection, then pulled around him to the right, and headed straight back for the highway. Both the car that had been ahead and the one that had been following me turned left across the highway and did not pursue further.

I have now carefully checked my car in a safe place when I knew I was no longer being followed. It is in perfect condition. This is a classic scenario for car jackers to use at night. I feel lucky that I was well prepared and didn't have to think too much about what to do.

1. Don't ever let yourself be caught between two cars. Car jackers often work in pairs, attempting to corner your vehicle.

2. Don't ever pull off the road at night by yourself in a dark, unpopulated place.

3. Carry a cell phone - I'm going to get one!!

4. Stay calm. Don't try any tricks. If you are in an accident, you are vulnerable.

5. Remember that most criminals want easy victims...DON'T LET YOURSELF BECOME ONE!!!

6. Make sure you find out how to react BEFORE you are in the situation! These situations are unfortunately real and dangerous. Thinking about it when it happens is too late!

7. ALWAYS make sure you do not stop until you are CERTAIN that help is present (i.e., even if you are in a slight accident, head straight for the police station, and don't stop until you are there. Car jackers often slightly damage vehicles by bumping them from the rear to try to get the driver to get out.)

Found in Archives