META - ENGLISH - May 14, 1999

The Spiritual Translator Newsletter

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1. QUOTES AND WONDERS

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. Unknown

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. Unknown

Justice is open to everyone in the same way as the Ritz Hotel. Judge Sturgess

My son has taken up meditation - at least it's better than sitting doing nothing. Max Kauffmann

Professionals built the Titanic, amateurs built the Ark. Unknown

You know you're getting old when you need glasses.... to find your teeth! - Unknown

He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. Unknown

Never spit in a man's face unless his moustache is on fire. Henry Root

O Lord, help me be pure, but not yet. St. Augustine (?-605)

Money isn't everything. If it were, what would we buy with it? Unknown

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age." Groucho Marx

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. James Dewar (1842-1923)

Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself. Frank Capra (1897-1991)

Never say "Oops" in the operating room. - Dr. Leo Troy

Confession is good for the soul in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. - Peter de Vries (1910-)

When doctors and undertakers meet, they always wink at each other. - W. C. Fields

"Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards." Fred Hoyle

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." Groucho Marx

Did you hear about the new facility Kraft foods is building in Israel? Its called "Cheeses of Nazareth." Do you know this new Chinese restaurant called "So Sue Me"?

"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber." Plato

2. JOKES

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer.

Unfortunately, he mistyped the address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the widow of a recently deceased minister.

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.

When her family finally revived her and asked her what had happened, she nervously pointed to the message, which read:

"Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

Found in Archives

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)

The perfect woman. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Sent by Marie-Claude (Suisse)

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Also from San Francisco: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar, and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs.

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.

Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should've blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there. " The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.

R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Cigars and Insurance: A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires".The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The man sued.... and won. In delivering the ruling the judge, although agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire", and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires". After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

Sent by Arthur (France)

These statements were found on actual products. God help us...

On hairdryer instructions Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

Frozen dinner that says: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tirimisu dessert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box)

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boots' (pharmacy chain in the UK) children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery after use.

On Nytol: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Three churches - Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian - Worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival. After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were Discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families." The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families." The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"

I took my two sons, ages seven and five, to the playground at our local park. My seven year old was very proud that he was able to read to his brother the sign with all the rules posted for the playground.

"1. Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion."

"2. Go down the slide while sitting only."

"3. Only one child on a swing at a time."

There were about twenty rules and the boys promised to obey Them all, if I would trust them and let them play without me standing by to watch. They said that they were too old to be watched and their friends would tease them calling them babies if I stayed.

I made them promise to be good and obey the rules, and rejoined my wife preparing our picnic lunch. When it was time to get the children, I decided to watch them at a distance for a while to see how reliable they were in following my nstructions.

I found that they obeyed most of the printed instructions.

That is, all but one... They would each get on the tall semicircular slide and slide down head-first or backward.

Angrily, I walked to the children and escorted them over to the posted regulations. I asked my seven year old read to them aloud once again - paying special attention to the rules about the slide. Then I asked them what they had to say for themselves.

My five year old answered immediately: "Don't be silly Daddy - They don't use slide rules anymore.

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air.

Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds. "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

 Found in Archives

 3. STORY

This story is a beautiful tale. We have heard it many times in different ways but it does not hurt to hear it again.

Ruth went to her mail box and there was only one letter. She picked it up and looked at it before opening, but then she looked at the envelope again. There was no stamp, no postmark, only her name and address. She read the letter:

Dear Ruth,

I'm going to be in your neighborhood Saturday afternoon and I'd like to stop by for a visit.

Love Always,

Jesus

Her hands were shaking as she placed the letter on the table.

"Why would the Lord want to visit me? I'm nobody special. I don't have anything to offer." With that thought, Ruth remembered her empty kitchen cabinets.

"Oh my goodness, I really don't have anything to offer. I'll have to run down to the store and buy something for dinner."She reached for her purse and counted out its contents. Five dollars and forty cents.

"Well, I can get some bread and cold cuts, at least."

She threw on her coat and hurried out the door. She bought a loaf of French bread, a half-pound of sliced turkey, and a carton of milk leaving Ruth with grand total of twelve cents to last her until Monday.

Nonetheless, she felt good as she headed home, her meager offerings tucked under her arm.

"Hey lady, can you help us, lady?" Ruth had been so absorbed

in her dinner plans, she hadn't even noticed two figures huddled in the alleyway. A man and a woman, both of them dressed in little more than rags.

"Look lady, I ain't got a job, ya know, and my wife and I have been living out here on the street, and, well, now it's getting cold and we're getting kinda hungry and, well, if you could help us, lady, we'd really appreciate it."

Ruth looked at them both. They were dirty, they smelled bad and, frankly, she was certain that they could get some kind of work if they really wanted to.

"Sir, I'd like to help you, but I'm a poor woman myself. All I have is a few cold cuts and some bread, and I'm having an important guest for dinner tonight and I was planning on serving that to Him."

"Yeah, well, okay lady, I understand. Thanks anyway."

The man put his arm around the woman's shoulders, turned and headed back into the alley. As she watched them leave, Ruth felt a familiar twinge in her heart. "Sir, wait!" The couple stopped and turned as she ran down the alley after them. "Look, why don't you take this food.

I'll figure out something else to serve my guest."

She handed the man her grocery bag. "Thank you lady. Thank you very much!"

"Yes, thank you!" It was the man's wife, and Ruth could see now that she was shivering.

"You know, I've got another coat at home. Here, why don't you take this one?" Ruth unbuttoned her jacket and slipped it over the woman's shoulders. Then smiling, she turned and walked back to the street without her coat and with nothing to serve her guest.

"Thank you lady! Thank you very much!"

Ruth was chilled by the time she reached her front door, and worried too. The Lord was coming to visit and she didn't have anything to offer Him. She fumbled through her purse for the door key. But as she did, she noticed another envelope in her mailbox.

"That's odd. The mailman doesn't usually come twice in one day."

She took the envelope out of the box and opened it. ___

Dear Ruth,

It was so good to see you again. Thank you for the lovely meal. And thank you, too, for the beautiful coat.

Love Always,

Jesus

Found in Archives