META - ENGLISH - May 07, 1999

The Spiritual Translator Newsletter

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1. JOKES

I have a spell checker

It came with my PC

It plane lee marks four my revue

Miss steaks aye can knot see

Eye ran this poem threw it

Your sure real glad two no

Its very polished in its own weigh

My chequer tolled me sew

A cheek or is a blessing

It freeze yew lodes of thyme

It helps me right awl stiles two reed

And aides me when aye rime

Now spilling does not phase me

It does knot bring a tier

My pay purrs awl due glad den

With wrapped words fare as hear

To rite with care is quite a feet

Of witch won should be proud

And wee mussed dew the best wee can

Sew flaws are knot aloud

So ewe can sea why aye dew prays

Such soft wear four pea seas

And why eye brake in two averse

Buy righting want to please

Author Unknown

(Note to French readers learning English: pronounced as waid)

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park.

They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

"What would you like to do next?" he asked.

"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Wousy," said the girl.

There was a poor woman who had the misfortune of having a wooden eye, with the consequence of being ignored by all the men, ostracized by her insensitive friends, and constantly stared at on the street by total strangers.

She was at a nightclub one night, and as usual was standing by herself in the corner when she noticed a man eyeing her from across the room. Her heart jumped and she thought to herself, "I can't believe it - this man is actually interested in me." He was, however, particularly fat, but she dismissed this thought immediately, feeling that the genuine interest this guy showed even despite her wooden eye made him attractive even though he was physically unattractive.

All night long she tried to work up the nerve to go up to him, but she couldn't. Finally she approached him, just before the last dance of the night and said, "Would you like to dance?"

He eagerly stammered, "Would I !?"

To which she replied, "Fat ass!!"

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. "I know," he says, "they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken.

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away.

At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding.

Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked."

At this the priest says, "I, too have a confession to make.

As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn.

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, "I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars."

A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the

police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!" he whined.

"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool - nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

Yesterday,

All those backups seemed a waste of pay.

Now my database has gone away.

Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,

There's not half the files there used to be,

And there's a milestone

hanging over me

The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong

What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone

and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,

The need for back-ups seemed so far away.

I knew my data was all here to stay,

Now I believe in yesterday.

A young woman wanted to increase her chest size. While this idea stirred in the back of her mind one day, she saw a sign that said, "Painless, easy and increases bust size. Call Dr. Zimmerman today for an appointment." She thought, "This is exactly what I need!"

So she called up Doctor Zimmerman and made an appointment to see him the next morning. When she saw the doctor, he told her, "All you have to do is fold your arms across your chest and move them up and down.

Then you need to say out loud, `I must, I must, I must increase my bust.'" "Do this every day for 2 weeks and you will see a positive change," he told her with confidence.

The woman was on the subway the next day making good use of her travel time, repeating the exercise as the doctor had described, saying aloud, "I must, I must, I must increase my bust."

A man sitting near to her heard her chants and leaned over to her and asked, "Doctor Zimmerman, right?"

In reply, the woman said, "Yes, how did you know?"

"Hickory Dickery Doc," the man replied with a knowing smile.

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend " My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said " Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

In this world of standards, we all know that the same old pick-up lines just don't work anymore. So here is a small collection of new creative lines that may just do the trick. or not!

1. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

2. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money.

3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.

4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

5. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King: you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.

6. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

7. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

8. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

9. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's,you would be McGorgeous.

10. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim.

A large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top.

She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest.

Lil' Johnnie, playing in the sand looked up at her and said, "Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with the brown nose."

My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside.

Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

A blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object,

She asks, "What is that?"

The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."

The blond then asks, "What does it do?"

The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

So she buys one.

The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss (also a blond) asks, "What is that shiny object?"

She replies "It's a thermos."

He asks, "What does it do?"

She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

He then asks, "What do you have in there?"

"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

Found in Archives

2. STORY

A woman was getting a pie ready to put into the oven when the phone rang. It was the school nurse: Her son had gone down with a high fever, and would she come and take him home?

The mother calculated how long it would take to drive to school and back, and how long the pie should bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie in the oven, she left for school. When she arrived, her son's fever was worse, and the nurse urged her to take him to the doctor.

Seeing her son like that his face flushed, his body trembling and dripping with perspiration frayed her, and she drove to the clinic as fast as she dared. She was frayed a bit more waiting for the doctor to emerge from the examining room, which he was doing now, walking toward her with a slip of paper in his hand.

"Get him to bed," he told her, handing her the prescription,

Yes, there were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside the car. She ran back into the mall, found a phone and called home. When her son finally answered, she blurted out, "I've locked the keys inside the car!"

The boy was barely able to speak. In a hoarse voice he whispered, "Get a wire coat hanger, Mom. You can get in with that." The phone went dead.

She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger which turned out not to be easy. Wooden hangers and plastic hangers were there in abundance, but shops didn't use wire hangers anymore. After combing through a dozen stores, she found one that was behind the times just enough to use wire hangers.

Hurrying out of the mall, she allowed herself a smile of relief. As she was about to step off the curb, she halted.

She stared at the wire coat hanger. "I don't know what to do with this!"

Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the frustrations of the past hour collapsed on her and she began crying.

When he drew near she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat hanger. "Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into a locked car with one of these?" He gaped at her for a moment, then plucked the hanger from her hand. "Where's the car?"

Telling the story, she said she had never seen anything like it it was simply amazing how easily he got into her car. A quick look at the door and window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger and bam! Just like that, the door was open.

When she saw the door open she threw her arms around him. "Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy. You must be a Christian,"

He stepped back and said, "No ma'am, I'm not a Christian, and I'm not a good boy. I just got out of prison yesterday."

She jumped at him and she hugged him again fiercely. "Bless the Lord!" she cried. "He sent me a professional!"

Found in Archives