META - ENGLISH - June 25, 1999

The Spiritual Translator Newsletter

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1. Warped Thoughts for The Day

ON ADS IN BILLS:

Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with yourbills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them! I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in.Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you." I think this is a great idea!

ON FABRIC SOFTENER:

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married!' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory! You can take off that ring,but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Cripes!

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.They use words like 'Cripes!' 'For Cripe's sake! Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the Church of 'Holy Moly'! I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

ON MEN VERSUS WOMEN, IN THE MORNING:

Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it! We just wake up and we want you! And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you! We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerves!

ON PREGNANCY:

It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my God! He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my God! Give me your hand! It won't be long now.... .."

ON GRANDMAS:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "Sexy Senior Citizen." You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? What? Is she out entering wet shawl contests!? Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday!

ON PHONE-IN POLLS:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know!" It costs 90 cents to call up and vote, and they're voting "I don't know!"

You might hear a couple talking, one of the two saying, "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Saying Into phone) "I don't know!" (hangs up, looking very proud).

Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about!" This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95: (into phone) "I'm not in the mood."

ON ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES:

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love!'

Beeeep!"

"Uh, yeah . . . this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of positive,your test is back. Stop sharing the love!"

Found in Archives

2. JOKES

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, they scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.

On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"

Shortly after, the son received this terse note:

"You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the holidays.

Breakfast:

1/2 grapefruit

1 slice whole wheat toast

8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:

4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast

1 cup steamed spinach

1 cup herb tea

1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:

The rest of Oreos in the package

2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1

jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:

2 loaves garlic bread

4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke

1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza

3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:

Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

RULES FOR THIS DIET:

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.

Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS

Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old

and wheelchair bound. Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's penis, and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn't much, but it was all they had.

One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling about the grounds. She confronted him and said, "Where were you these past couple

of nights?" He replied, "If you must know, I was with another woman." "Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?"

"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he replied. "Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked.

"Nope, she looks the same, and she is 98 years old." "Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.

Bill smiled and said," Parkinson's disease."

Some things men can say when getting caught looking at another woman:

- I can't believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said disdainfully)

- Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman.

- I think that's a man dressed as a woman. (Incredulous)

- Isn't that the actress from the movie Delicatessen?

(Chances are she hasn't seen that movie - and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her

- I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case

- Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing!

- Hey that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy am I glad I ever got away from her. What a moron.

- I know you're probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me sick. (It helps if you convulse a little at the end here.. maybe it will camouflage your drool).

- I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can never hold a candle to you (this one might only get you punched, but its worth a try).

- Do you think she's prettier than me? (Give her a taste of her own medicine)

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles and hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Three Arguments That Jesus Was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He never held a steady job.

3. His last request was a drink

Three Arguments That Jesus Was Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus.

2. He was always in trouble with the law.

3. His mother didn't know who his father was.

Three Arguments That Jesus Was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He worked in the building trades.

Three Arguments That Jesus Was Black:

1. He called everybody brother.

2. He had no permanent address.

3. Nobody would hire him.

Three Arguments That Jesus Was Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.

2. He walked around barefoot.

3. He invented a new religion.

And Finally, The Proof That Jesus Was Jewish:

1. He went into his father's business.

2. He lived at home until the age of 33.

3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure He was God.

Contributed by Julie (UK)

Kids say the darndest things.

Here are some tips from kids on subjects of romance.

HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."

Kally, age 9

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."

Allan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you're stuck with."

Kirsten, age 10

WHAT'S THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!"

Cam, age 10

"No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to get married!"

Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."

Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."

Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

"Both don't want no more kids."

Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."

Lynnette, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."

Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE?

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."

Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"When they're rich!"

Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."

Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.... It's the right thing to do."

Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing: I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out!"

Theodore, age 8

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!"

Anita, age 9

"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."

Kirsten, age 10

WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE FOR A YOUNG COUPLE ABOUT TO BE MARRIED?

"The first thing I'd say to them is: 'Listen up, youngins... I got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?'"

Craig, age 9

WHAT PROMISES DO A MAN AND A WOMAN MAKE WHEN THEY GET MARRIED?

"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together."

Marlon, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU SUGGEST TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!"

Ricky, age 7

"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes.... Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it."

Lori, age 8

ABOUT GETTING MARRIED FOR A SECOND TIME

"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a live one."

Angie L., age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"

Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now!"

Roberta, age 7

A really sloppy drunk is draped over the bar. The bartender tells him, "OK, you've had enough. I'm not going to serve you anymore, so get out of here and go home." The drunk leaves the bar. Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through the back door. The bartender tells him, "I told you to go home, I'm not serving you anything more, you've had enough, now go home." The drunk leaves again. Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through a side door. Again, the bartender tells him, "Man, I told you, you're wasted. I'm not serving you anymore, now go home, you've had enough."

Again, the drunk leaves. Fifteen minutes later the drunk comes back through another side door. The bartender says, "What the hell is the matter with you? I keep telling you, you've had enough already, and I'm not going to serve you anymore, now go home!" The drunk looks up at the bartender and asks, "How many places do you work at?"

There was a man who was fed up with modern society, and decided to become a Monk. He checked out a number of monasteries and chose one he liked. The only reservation he had with it was, he had to take a vow of silence and could only say two words every one year. He took the vow and began his first year of service without saying a word. At the end of one long year he was brought before the head of the monastery and was asked what two words he would like to say.

His response was "FOOD BAD."

And that was it for another long year, until he was once again allowed to say another two words. After two years of service he was brought before the head of the monastery and was asked what two words he would like to say.

His response was: "MORE BLANKETS."

And that was it for another long year, until he was once again allowed to say another two words. After three years of service he was brought before the head of the monastery and asked what two words he would like to say.

His response was: "I QUIT!"

The head Monk answered back: "You might as well. You have done nothing but complain since you have been here!"

Three horny friends, a white guy, a black guy and a Jewish guy decide to visit a prostitute. The prostitute is so happy to get three customers at once that she offers them a deal, "You can pay by the inch," she says.

So the white guy goes in and comes out with a smile on his face, "Not only was she great," he says, "but it only cost me $75!"

Now the black guy goes in and comes out smiling, "She was good, and It only cost me $100!"

In goes the Jewish fellow and he soon comes out smiling, too.

"Well, how much did it cost you?" the other two ask.

"$20," he replies.

With that the other two begin to laugh hysterically. "You pune!" they say, "do you even have a dick?"

"I'm not stupid," he says. "I paid on the way out."

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.

The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there.

"Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.

Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"

They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"

Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down,

"Hey, I said no screwing!"

They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.

The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.

A guy walks into a clock store and goes up to the service department. He unzips his pants, pulls out his penis and puts it on the counter. The woman behind the counter says, "Sir, this is a clock store, not a cock store."

"I know," replies the man. "I'd like a face and two hands on this, please."

Found in Archives

3. STORIES

My grandparents were married for over half a century and played their own special game from the time they had met each other...The goal of their game was to write the word

"SHMILY"

in a surprise place for the other to find. They took turns leaving

"SHMILY"

around the house and as soon as one of them discovered it, it was their turn to hide it once more. They dragged

"SHMILY"

with their fingers through the sugar and flour containers, to await whoever was preparing the next meal. They smeared it in the dew on the windows overlooking the patio (where my grandma always fed us warm, homemade pudding with blue food coloring).

"SHMILY"

was written in the steam left on the mirror after a hot shower, where it would reappear bath after bath. At one point, my grandmother even unrolled an entire roll of toilet paper, to leave

"SHMILY"

on the very last sheet. There was no end to the places

"SHMILY"

would pop up. Little notes with

"SHMILY"

scribbled hurriedly were found on dashboards and car seats, or taped to steering wheels. The notes were stuffed inside shoes and left under pillows.

"SHMILY"

was written in the dust upon the mantel and traced in the ashes of the fireplace. This mysterious word was as much a part of my grandparents' house as the furniture. It took me a long time before I was able to fully appreciate my grandparents' game. Skepticism has kept me from believing in true love - one that is pure and enduring. However, I never doubted my grandparents' relationship. They had love down pat. It was more than their flirtatious little games;

it was a way of life. Their relationship was based on a devotion and passionate affection, which not everyone is lucky to experience. Grandma and Grandpa held hands every chance they could.They stole kisses, as they bumped into

each other in their tiny kitchen. They finished each other's sentences and shared the daily crossword puzzle and word jumble. My grandma whispered to me about how cute my grandpa was, how handsome and old he had grown to be.

She claimed that she really knew "how to pick 'em."

Before every meal they bowed their heads and gave thanks,marveling at their blessings: a wonderful family, good fortune and each other. But, there was a dark cloud in my grandparents' lives, my grandmother had breast cancer. The disease had first appeared ten years earlier.

As always, Grandpa was with her every step of the way. He comforted her in their yellow room, painted that way so

she could always be surrounded by sunshine, even when she was too sick to go outside.

Now the cancer was again attacking her body.With the help of a cane and my grandfather's steady hand, they went to church every morning.

But, my grandmother grew steadily weaker (until, finally, she could not leave the house anymore.) For a while, Grandpa would go to church alone, praying to God to watch over his wife.

Then one day, what we all dreaded finally happened.Grandma was gone.

"SHMILY"

It was scrawled in yellow on the pink ribbons of my grandmother's funeral bouquet. As the crowd thinned and the last mourners turned to leave, my aunts, uncles, cousins and other family members came forward and gathered around Grandma one last time.

Grandpa stepped up to my grandmother's casket and (taking a shaky breath) he began to sing to her.

Through his tears and grief, the song came (a deep and throaty lullaby).

Shaking with my own sorrow, I will never forget that moment. For I knew that (although I couldn't begin to fathom

the depth of their love) I had been privileged to witness its' unmatched beauty.

S-H-M-I-L-Y:

See How Much I Love You.

Thank you, Grandma and Grandpa, for letting me see.

~ Richard ~

Found in Archives