META - ENGLISH - June 18, 1999

The Spiritual Translator Newsletter

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1. QUOTES AND WONDERS

"Streakers beware: your end is in sight."

-- Unknown

"Television has changed a child from an irresistible force to an immovable object."

-- Laurence J. Peter (1919-)

"Know thyself. If you need help, call the CIA."

-- Unknown

"One good turn gets most of the blankets."

-- Unknown

"Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal."

-- Steven Wright

"The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep."

-- Woody Allen

"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three."

-- Unknown

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"

--Mork, "Mork & Mindy"

If you don't think women are explosive, drop one.

--Gerald F. Lieberman

"To err is human. To forgive is against company policy."

-- Unknown

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."

-- A. Whitney Brown

"Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."

-- George Burns

"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands

and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."

-- Dave Barry

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. No use being a damned fool about it."

-- W.C. Fields

"The problem with reality is the lack of background music."

-- Unknown

"I am not a Marxist."

-- Karl Marx

"Bachelors know more about women than married men do. If they didn't, they'd be married too."

-- Henry Louis Mencken

"A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain."

-- Robert Frost

"Everybody repeat after me, 'We are all individuals.'"

-- Unknown

"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank."

-- Woody Allen

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through

their noses when they're eating sandwiches."

-- Jim Carrey

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2. JOKES

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "The Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits", says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you ever get to feeling horny?"

"Why, yes," her friend replied.

"Well, what do you do about it?" she asked

"I usually suck on a Lifesaver."

After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Hmm, what beach do you go to?"

John invited his very traditional mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the live-in housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts and curious wondering look, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Boris, a Russian, saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman, "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks. The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again. "Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on a Thursday. Boris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply, "It will be in the *afternoon,* two years from now on Thursday!" "That's a relief," says Boris, "the plumber is coming that morning."

A man who had previously been a sailor, and was now an "academic" was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her." He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men.

Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

One day, this rabbit managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge, and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

"It's fantastic out here in the world!" he told them. "So, are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry," he replied sadly, "I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why?

We thought you liked it here." "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."

WOMAN: Darling, what would you do if I died?

MAN: Come on honey, don't talk like that.

WOMAN: No, really, would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: Well...yeah, I would.

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Well, geeze, honey, where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with hers?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!"

Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!"

Little Johnnie stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!"

The teacher couldn't believe what she had just heard, so she made a point of calling little Johnnie's father that evening:

When she told him what little Johnnie had said, he told her, "Actually, I'm a corporate attorney, but how I'm I supposed to explain that to a seven year old?"

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh," says Sarah, "I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home." "That's fine." Replied the cop. " Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away, too!" Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked the husband. "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" 'I'm not sure, Jacob, something about the emergency brake."

At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!" The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?" The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good God Man, your plane only went down yesterday."

"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her? I am desperate!" The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay." The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.

Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..."

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..."

These aliens land in this farmers field and they go in and start talking to the farmer and his wife. After a while, they decide to swap sex partners for the night. So, the human man and the alien woman go in one room, and the alien man and the human woman go in another room. The alien man and human woman are about to get frisky when she looks at him and says, "Gosh...it's so big!" "If you like," replies the alien, "you can make it bigger by pulling on my ears." So, she pulls on his ears and, bing, it gets bigger. The next morning the aliens leave and the human couple are talking. "Well, honey," says the husband, "how was it?" "I just gotta tell ya," she says with a faraway look in her eyes, "it was the best I've ever had. How 'bout you, was it good? "It wasn't worth a damn," he says. "That bitch was trying to pull my ears off all night long!"

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs, the body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. A few days later, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." "Put them between my legs," she said, "they'll warm up." The next day, the young couple is riding in the buggy again when he says, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter figures to use the same method as yesterday and says, "Put it between my legs, it will warm up." He did, and his nose quickly warmed up. Again, the next day, they were driving and he told her, "My penis is frozen solid." She once again, gave her standard advice. Later that day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her Mother. She asked, "Mother, have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned Mother replied, "Sure, but why do you ask?" The daughter answered, "Well, I just wondered......do they always make such a big mess when they thaw out?"

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3. STORIES

In 1949, my father had just returned home from the war. On every American highway you could see soldiers in uniform hitchhiking home to their families, as was the custom at that time in America. Sadly, the thrill of his reunion with his family was soon overshadowed. My grandmother became very ill and had to be hospitalized. It was her kidneys, and the doctors told my father that she needed a blood transfusion immediately, or she would not live through the night.

The problem was that Grandmother's blood type was AB negative, a very rare type even today, but even harder to get then because there were no blood banks or air flights to ship blood. All the family members were "typed," but not one member was a match. So the doctors gave the family no hope; my grandmother was dying. My father left the hospital in tears to gather up all the family members, so that everyone would get a chance to tell Grandmother good-bye. As my father was driving down the highway, he passed a soldier in uniform hitchhiking home to his family. Deep in grief, my father had no inclination at that moment to do a good deed. Yet it was almost as if something outside himself pulled him to a stop, and he waited as the stranger climbed into the car. My father was too upset to even ask the soldier his name, but the soldier noticed my father's tears right away and inquired about them. Through his tears, my father told this total stranger that his mother was lying in a hospital dying because the doctors had been unable to locate her blood type, AB negative, and if they did not locate her blood type before nightfall, she would surely die. It got very quiet in the car. Then this unidentified soldier extended his hand out to my father, palm up. Resting in the palm of his hand were the dog tags from around his neck. The blood type on the tags was AB negative. The soldier told my father to turn the car around and get him to the hospital. My grandmother lived until 1996, 47 years later, and to this day no one in our family knows the soldier's name. But my father has often wondered, was he a soldier or an angel in uniform?

A young man has been to Wednesday night Bible Study. The Pastor had talked about listening to G-d and obeying the Lord's voice. The young man couldn't help but wonder, "Does G-d still speak to people?" After the service he went out with some friends for coffee and pie and they discussed the message. Several of the group talked about how G-d had led them in different ways. It was about ten o'clock when the young man started driving home. Sitting in his car, he began to pray, "G-d... If you still speak to people, speak to me. I will listen. I will do my best to obey." As he drove down the main street of his town, he had the strangest thought: "Stop and buy a gallon of milk." He shook his head and said out loud, "G-d, is that You?" He didn't get a reply and started on toward home. But again, came the thought: "Buy a gallon of milk."

The young man thought about Samuel, and how he didn't recognize the voice of G-d, and how little Samuel ran to Eli. "Okay, G-d, in case that is you," the young man said, "I will buy the milk." It didn't seem like too hard a test of obedience. He could always use the milk. He stopped at a convenience store, purchased the gallon of milk and started off toward home. As he passed Seventh Street, he again felt the urge: "Turn down that street." "This is crazy," he thought, as he drove past the intersection. Again, he felt that he should turn down Seventh Street. At the next intersection, he turned back and headed down Seventh. Half jokingly, he said out loud, "Okay, G-d, I will." He drove several blocks, when suddenly, he felt like he should stop. He pulled over to the curb and looked around. He was in a semi-commercial area of town. It wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst of neighborhoods either. The businesses were closed and most of the houses looked dark like the people were already in bed. Again, he sensed something: "Go and give the milk to the people in the house across the street." The young man looked at the house. It was dark, and it looked like the people were either gone or they were already asleep. He started to open the door and then sat back in the car seat. "Lord, this is insane. Those people are asleep and if I wake them up, they are going to be mad and I will look stupid." Again, he felt like he should go and give the milk to the people in the house. Finally, he opened the door of his car. "Okay G-d, if this is you, I will go to the house and I will give them the milk. If you want me to look like a crazy person, okay. I want to be obedient. I guess that will count for something. But if they don't answer right away, I'm out of here." He walked across the street and rang the bell. He could hear some noise inside. A man's voice yelled out, "Who is it? What do you want?" Then the door opened before the young man could get away. A man was standing there in his jeans and T-shirt. He looked like he'd just gotten out of bed. He had a strange look on his face, and he didn't seem too happy to have some stranger standing on his doorstep. "What is it?" he asked. The young man thrust out the gallon of milk, "Here, I brought this to you." The man took the milk and rushed down a hallway speaking loudly in Spanish. Then from down the hall came a woman carrying the milk toward the kitchen. The man was following her holding a baby. The baby was crying. The man had tears streaming down his face as he turned to his unexpected visitor. The man began speaking and half-crying, "We were just praying. We had some big bills this month and we ran out of money. We didn't have any milk for our baby. I was just praying and asking G-d to show me how to get some milk." His wife in the kitchen called out, "I asked Him to send an angel with some. Are you an angel?" The young man reached into his wallet and pulled out all the money he had with him and put in the man's hand. He turned and walked back to his car, with tears rolling down his cheeks.

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