META - ENGLISH - June 11, 1999

The Spiritual Translator Newsletter

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1. QUOTES AND WONDERS

QUOTES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE REVIEWS

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

3. I would not allow this employee to breed.

4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't-be.

5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.

7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

9. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

10. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

11. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.

12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

13. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.

14. A room temperature IQ.

15. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it.

16. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than any ordinary ignoramus.

17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

18. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

19. Bright as Alaska in December.

20. One-celled organisms outscore him on IQ tests.

21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

22. Fell out of the family tree.

23. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

24. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.

25. He's so dense, light bends around him.

26. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.

27. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

28. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.

29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

30. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

31. One neuron short of a synapse.

32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

33. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

34. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

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2. JOKES

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. "Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. `Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.' Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring.

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.

"So!" the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off did it?"

"No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

 The lineage revealed...

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt." Soon you will be able to handle this situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, maried O.Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie, the twins Deep and Dip, Fulla, Giva and Bull Schitt.

Against his parents strong objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe Schitt married Mr Scherlock and because her kids were living with them, decided to keep her previous name also. She became known as Noe Schitt Scherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and the produced a cowardly son - Chick Noe Schitt (Chick N. Schitt for short). Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood, and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse Schitt. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.He recently returned with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now, when someone says that you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them and ask if they are related to any of the above.

Carole (Ontario)

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and....'"

A rabbi, burdened by the importance of his work, went into the synagogue to pray. Falling to his knees, he lamented,

"O Lord, I am nothing! I am nothing!" Just then a Jewish judge passed by and overhearing the prayer was moved to join the rabbi on his knees. Shortly, he too, was crying aloud, "O Lord, I too am nothing! I am nothing!" The janitor of the temple, awed by the sight of the two men praying joined them, crying, "O Lord, I also am nothing! I am nothing!"

At this, the judge nudged the rabbi and said, "Now look who thinks he's nothing!"

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "On your way," said the officer.

A man answered his doorbell and a friend walked in followed by a very large and excited dog. As they began talking, the dog knocked over a lamp and jumped up on the sofa with his muddy feet and began chewing on one of the pillows. The outraged householder, unable to contain himself any longer, burst out, "Don't you think you should train your dog better?" "My dog!" exclaimed the friend, surprised. "I thought it was your dog!"

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out, he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my penis out, go, and return to work. Since I don't actually touch myself, there's no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner. "How do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I push it back in with the spoon!"

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a construction worker who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the construction worker told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the construction worker, but the construction worker jumped back and exclaimed, "Hey, don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnnie was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son." "Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnnie asked. "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnnie's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"

I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office. I had been re-scheduled for 9:30 AM that morning. I had just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I didn't have the time to make the full effort. I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the laundry basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when they called me in. Knowing the procedures, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said: "My. We have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was preparing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No I need the one that was here by the sink.It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

A big city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was originally asking. After the rancher signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself. That darned bull came home this morning."

1) A Guide to Arab Democracies

2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman

3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

4) Career Opportunities for History Majors

5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II

6) Detroit - A Travel Guide

7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob"

8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

9) Easy UNIX

10) Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance

11) Everything Men Know About Women

12) French Hospitality

13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years

14) How to Sustain a Musical Career, by Art Garfunkel

15) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

16) Mormon Divorce Lawyers

17) One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA

18) Popular Lawyers

19) Staple Your Way to Success

20) Puritan Fun!

Found in Archives

3. STORIES

When I was dating I seemed to have a knack for always picking the wrong guy. My father wouldn't say much just that some day I would find the wisdom to pick the right guy sooner or later. Once while complaining about a bad relationship he told me of this story he heard. It goes like this. A hunter was out early in the morning hunting for his daily food. It was a cold Colorado morning and he came upon a frozen snake. He picked up the snake and took it back to his cabin and placed the snake in front of the fire. He fed the snake, kept it warm, and eventually the snake was his old self again.

One day when he was about to feed the snake the snake bit him. The hunter pulled away from the snake and asked, "How could you bite me after all I have done for you?" To which the snake replied, "You knew I was a snake when you picked me up!" The day my father told me the story of the snake was the day I began to see through different eyes.

I was one of those lucky children for whom learning came easy. So, when I became a parent, I naturally assumed that if I read to both of my children faithfully and offered them fun, educational playtimes, they would follow in my footsteps. They, too, would learn, retain materials and receive all as I had done. Amanda, my first child, was right on target. She learned quickly and earned good grades. However, even though I practiced the same method with my second child, Eric, I sensed that life would be a challenge, not only for his teachers, but for Eric and myself personally.

I did my part for this sweet, loving youngster who was never a discipline problem for anyone. I made sure his homework was complete each night, kept in touch with his teachers, and enrolled him in every assistance program the school had to offer. But, no matter how hard he struggled, report cards with C's were met with frustration and tears.

I could see his discouragement and feared he would lose all interest in learning. Soon I doubted myself. Where had I failed my son? I wondered. Why can't I motivate him to help him succeed? I felt if he didn't excel in school, he would be unable to create a life of his own or support himself and perhaps a family someday. Eric was a sixteen-year-old blonde when my eyes were opened. We were sitting in the living room when the phone rang; a message that my father had suffered a massive heart attack and died at age seventy-nine.

"Papa" as Eric had called him, had been such a part of my little boy's life during his first five years. Since my husband worked nights and slept days, it was Papa who took him for haircuts, ice cream and played baseball with him during those earlier times. Papa was his number one pal. When my father left and moved back to the town where he grew up, Eric was lost without him. But time healed those wounds. Gradually, he came to understand his grandfather's need for old friends and roots of the past. For Eric, phone calls and visits from the grandfather he loved became a way of life. And his Papa never forgot him. When we entered the funeral parlor, I stood in the doorway and looked at my father, so still, so unlike the man I knew. My children were on either side of me. And I felt Eric take my hand as we walked up to his grandfather.

We shared our moment together then took our places on the side of the room as hundreds of friends filed by. Each person shared sympathies and memories of my father's life. Others just touched my hand and walked away. Suddenly, I realized Eric wasn't beside me. I turned to look around the room and noticed him near the entrance helping the elderly in need of assistance with the stairs or the door. Strangers all, some with walkers, others with canes, many simply leaning on his arm as he led them to his grandfather to pay their respects. Later that evening the funeral director mentioned to me that one more pallbearer was needed. Eric immediately said, "Please Sir, may I help?" The director suggested he might prefer to stay with his sister and myself.

Eric shook his head. "My papa carried me when I was little," he said. "Now it's my turn to carry him." When I heard those words I started to cry. I felt as though I could never stop. From that moment on, I knew I would never berate my son for imperfect grades. Never again would I expect him to be someone I had created in my own mind, because that individual I envisioned was nowhere near the fine person my son had become. His compassion, caring and love were the gifts God had blessed him with. NO book could have taught him these things. No degree framed behind glass would ever convey to the world the qualities Eric possessed.

He is now twenty years old and continues to spread his kindness, his sense of humor and compassion for his fellow man wherever he goes. Today I ask myself, "What difference do science and math grades make? When a young man does the best he can, he deserves an 'A' from the heart."

Found in Archives