META - ENGLISH - June 04, 1999

The Spiritual Translator Newsletter

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1. QUOTES AND WONDERS

"We can learn much from wise words, little from wisecracks, and less from wiseguys." -- William Arthur Ward

"Only kings, editors, and people with tapeworm have the right to use the editorial "we". -- Samuel Clemens

"Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one." -- L. M. Boyd

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife -- a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. Woody Allen

"A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines." -- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." -- Socrates (470-399 BC)

"I would have made a good Pope." -- Richard M. Nixon (1913-1994)

"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA." -- Unknown

"Dogs come when they are called; cats take a message and get back to you." -- Mary Bly

"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'." -- Unknown

"Anybody who wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office." -- David Broder

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." -- Dave Edison

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2. JOKES

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad, I couldn't see where the ball went." "You're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife. "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"Yes, but he's got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Did you see where it went?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: "You are not getting older. You are just getting better." Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom." It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered that the cake read: "YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP. YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me, Doc?" he asks the practitioner. The doctor replies, "I don't think you're eating properly."

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Dumb man + smart woman = affair

Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, age 5 and Ryan, age 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity to teach a moral lesson and said, "If Jesus were sitting here, he would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can will eat when he is finished.' So Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail when they decided to take a rest. Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened. "Buffalo come," remarked Tonto. "How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger. "Face sticky."

"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

 A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from the bathroom with an urgent report. "Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife." "OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal."

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner he told them "I need three important people to send my message out to all people - Tomorrow I will destroy the earth. " Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them "I have two really bad news items for you: 1. God really exists and 2. Tomorrow He will destroy the earth."

Clinton called an Emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them "I have Good news and Bad News: 1. God really does exist; 2. The bad news is tomorrow He will destroy the earth."

Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and happily announced "I have two fantastic announcements: 1. I am one of the three most important people on earth and 2. The Year 2000 problem is solved."

A Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asks her if she is sexually active. She says that she is not. An examination shows that she is pregnant. Asked why she said she was not sexually active, the woman replied, "I'm not, I just lie there." "Well, do you know who the father is?" the doctor asks. With a puzzled look she replies, "No. Who?"

A Ft Lauderdale Florida motorcycle cop was on patrol one bright sunny December afternoon when he came upon a line of cars stopped at a light with horns blasting. He stopped behind the last car in line. Then he noticed the reason for the noise. The light directing that lane of traffic was green. He pulled out of line and stopped alongside of the first car in line to see what the problem was. The car was a big brown Cadilac with New York plates driven by a blonde. He motioned her to roll down her window, which she promptly did. He then asked her why she was stopped when the light was green. She said, "Oh, because I'm on my way to my sister's house which is that way." and she pointed to the right.

The motorcycle cop said, "Well, go ahead! The light is green." The blonde responded with, "Yes, I know, but the sign under the light says: 'RIGHT TURN ON RED.'

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Well? Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes, and of how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He rushes over and says, "Jeez, are you all right?" She slowly nods her head yes. "What are you doing?" he asks incredulously. "I wanted to prove that not all blonde women are dumb," she started, "and I wanted to do it by painting the house." "Well why do you have both a ski jacket and a fur coat on?" he asks dumbfounded. "Well," she says, "I was reading the directions on the paint can and it said: For best results, put on two coats."

A man travels to Spain and goes to Pamplona during the great "Running of the Bulls" festival. After his first day there, he has dinner at a restaurant in the center of town. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks. "Cojones, senior," the waiter replies.

"What are cojones?" "Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull that lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first, the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try the local delicacy, and to his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to return the next evening and order it again.

The following evening the waiter brings out the plate but this time the meaty objects are much smaller. "What's this?" the man asks the waiter. "Cojones, senior," the waiter replies. "No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these." "Senior," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

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3. STORIES

While waiting to pick up a friend at the airport in Portland, Oregon, I had one of those life changing experiences that you hear other people talk about, the kind that sneaks up on you unexpectedly. This one occurred a mere two feet away from me. Straining to locate my friend among the passengers deplaning through the jet way, I noticed a man coming toward me carrying two light bags. He stopped right next to me to greet his family. First he motioned to his youngest son (maybe six years old) as he laid down his bags. They gave each other a long, loving hug. As they separated enough to look in each other's face, I heard the father say, "It's so good to see you, son. I missed you so much!" His son smiled somewhat shyly, averted his eyes and replied softly, "Me, too, Dad!" Then the man stood up, gazed in the eyes of his oldest son (maybe nine or ten) and while cupping his son's face in his hands said, "You're already quite the young man. I love you very much, Zach!" They too hugged a most loving, tender hug. While this was happening, a baby girl (perhaps one or one-and-a-half) was squirming excitedly in her mother's arms, never once taking her little eyes off the wonderful sight of her returning father. The man said, "Hi, baby girl!" as he gently took the child from her mother. He quickly kissed her face all over and then held her close to his chest while rocking her from side to side. The little girl instantly relaxed and simply laid her head on his shoulder, motionless in pure contentment. After several moments, he handed his daughter to his oldest son and declared, "I've saved the best for last," and proceeded to give his wife the longest, most passionate kiss I ever remember seeing. He gazed into her eyes for several seconds and then silently mouthed, "I love you so much!" They stared at each other's eyes, beaming big smiles at one another, while holding both hands. For an instant they reminded me of newlyweds, but I knew by the age of their kids that they couldn't possibly be. I puzzled about it for a moment then realized how totally engrossed I was in the wonderful display of unconditional love not more than an arm's length away from me. I suddenly felt uncomfortable, as if I was invading something sacred, but was amazed to hear my own voice nervously ask, "Wow! How long have you two been married?"

"Been together fourteen years total, married twelve of those," he replied, without breaking his gaze from his lovely life's face. "Well, then, how long have you been away?" I asked. The man finally turned and looked at me, still beaming his joyous smile. "Two whole days!" Two days? I was stunned. By the intensity of the greeting, I had assumed he'd been gone for at least several weeks, if not months. I know my expression betrayed me, I said almost offhandedly, hoping to end my intrusion with some semblance of grace (and to get back to searching for my friend), "I hope my marriage is still that passionate after twelve years!". The man suddenly stopped smiling. He looked me straight in the eye, and with forcefulness that burned right into my soul, he told me something that left me a different person. He told me, "Don't hope, friend ... decide!" Then he flashed me his wonderful smile again, shook my hand and said, "G-d less!" With that, he and his family turned and strode away together. I was still watching that exceptional man and his special family walk just out of sight when my friend came up to me and asked, "What'cha looking at?" Without hesitating, and with a curious sense of certainty, I replied, "My future!"

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on her tombstone

From the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth

And spoke of the following date with tears.

But he said what mattered most of all

Was the "dash" between those years.

For that dash represents all the time

That she spent alive on earth.

And now only those who loved her

Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own

The cars, the house, the cash.

What matters is how we live and love

And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard

Are there things you'd like to change?

For you never know how much time is left

(you could be at "dash mid-range.")

If we could just slow down enough

To consider what's true and real.

And always try to understand

The way the other people feel.

And be less quick to anger

And show appreciation more

And love the people in our lives

Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect

And more often wear a smile

Remembering that this special dash

Might only last a little while

So when your eulogy's being read

With your life's actions to rehash.

Would you be proud of the things they say

About how you spent your dash?

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room. Instead the angels were given a space in the cold basement. As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem."

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field. The younger angel asked the older angel "how could you have let this happen!? The first man had everything, yet you helped him." "The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let their cow die."

"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it. Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem." Sometimes this is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You might not know it until some time later.

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