META, July 30, 2000

 

The Spiritual Translator Newsletter

 

"Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will."      - John Kenneth Galbraith

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

META wants to make you laugh with play on words, translation jokes and tries to help you look at life with a grain of salt (and pepper, sometime… if you like it hot).

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

IN META TODAY

 

1. VIRUS ALERT

2. TRANSLATION PROBLEM

3. QUOTES XXV

4  OXYMORONIC ONE-LINERS

5. LET US PLAY WITH WORDS

6. THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

1.  VIRUS ALERT

_______________

 

Here is a virus alert I just received in German from Karin Stuerzel. Explanation in English follows.

 

 

Achtung! Neue gefärhliche Computer-Viren im Anmarsch!

 

a)      Auf  "I LOVE YOU" folgt nun "SOUTHPARK" nach einer amerikanischen Serie genannt. Der Virus ist am 5. Juli erschienen und verbreitet sich über das elektronische Mailsystem Microsoft Outlook. Der Virus kommt als eletronische Mitteilung unter dem Titel "SERVUS ALTER" mit dem Text "Hier ist das Spiel, das Du Dir sehnlich gewünscht hast". Eine Datei ist beigelegt, sie trägt den Namen "SOUTHPARK.EXE". Wie I LOVE YOU, verbreitet sich dieser Virus automatisch an alle Adressen, die in einem Adressbuch enthalten sind. Es scheint, dass er noch verheerender ist als I LOVE YOU.

 

b)      Wenn Sie per Mail eine Mitteilung erhalten, der als beigelegte Datei einen Bildschirmschoner (SCREENSAVER) mit dem Namen "BUDDLY SIP" enthält, öffnen Sie das Mail auf keinem Fall! Vernichten Sie die Mitteilung sofort. Wenn Sie sie öffnen, verlieren Sie alle Daten Ihrer Festplatte. Alles, was wir wissen ist, dass dieser Virus letzte Woche verbreitet worden ist und dass er sehr gefährlich ist. Leiten Sie diese Information an sämtliche  Adressen Ihres Adressbuches weiter. Wenn alle davon wissen, kann der Schaden beschränkt werden. MICROSOFT, LINUX, AOL und WANADOO haben bestätigt, dass dieser Virus extrem gefährlich ist. KEIN PROGRAMM KANN IHN ZERSTÖREN. BITTE SEIEN SIE SEHR VORSICHTIG UND INFORMIEREN SIE SOVIELE LEUTE WIE MÖGLICH.

 

 

Message says:

a.    New virus "Southpark", spreads on MS Outlook Express. Somes by titel "SERVUS ALTER" "Here is the game you have longed for (= Hier ist das Spiel, das Du Dir sehnlichst gewünschst hast). File attached SOUTHPARK.EXE also spreads to all adresses of your adress-book.

 

b.    Don't open attached file with SCREENSAVER "BUDDLY SIP", delete immediately. Destroys all datas on hard-disk. MICROSOFT, LINUX, AOL and WANADOO have confirmed the virus. Please, forward message to as many people as you can.

 

 

2. TRANSLATION PROBLEM

___________________________

 

Some scientists were testing a program that could translate from English to Chinese and back again. They fed into their computer the English phrase "Out of sight, out of mind," and out came some Chinese ideograms. Since none of the scientists in the room at that moment knew Chinese well enough to determine whether the computer's Chinese translation had captured the spirit of the English phrase, they fed the ideograms back into the computer. The translation back into English read "Invisible idiot".

 

 

3. QUOTES XXVI

_______________

 

 

"I was born by Ceasarian Section ... you'd never know. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window."     - Steven Wright

 

"Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts."     - Unknown

 

"Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture."

     - Steven Wright

 

"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."     - Jack Handey

 

"Be an optimist - at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Canaveral."     - Unknown

 

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."     - Dave Barry

 

"I look forward to the invention of faster-than-light travel.  What I'm not looking forward to is the long wait in the dark once I arrive at my destination."     - Marc Beland

 

"A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care."     - Unknown

 

"I'm not afraid of death. It's the make-over at the undertaker's that scares me ... they try to make you look as lifelike as possible, which defeats the whole purpose. It's hard to feel bad for somebody who looks better than you do."     - Anita Wise

 

"I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I *had* any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!"     - Unknown

 

"When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer."     - Dave Barry

 

"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun. She said, 'Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.'"     - Steven Wright

 

"The remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."     - Calvin Trillin

 

 

4 OXYMORONIC ONE-LINERS

___________________________

 

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

 

Death to all fanatics!

 

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

 

I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.

 

I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.

 

Life is full of uncertainties...or I could be wrong about that?

 

Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.

 

Always remember you're unique... just like everyone else.

 

 

 

5. LET US PLAY WITH WORDS

____________________________

 

a) "A Jewish Knight?"

 

Recently, Rabbi Jacobawitz, the chief rabbi of England, was knighted by the Queen. As part of the knighting ceremony, Rabbi Jacobawitz had to kneel before  the Queen, and as we all know Jews do not bow before anyone except Hashem. On  top of that, he was told to recite a paragraph from the Christian liturgy in Latin during the actual knighting.

 

The Rabbi was in a quandary, as this was being televised, but he could NOT violate the Jewish laws.

 

The five honorees were lined up waiting for the Queen to receive them.  As Her Royal Highness entered the room all kneeled, except for Rabbi Jacobawitz. The Queen noticed this, but diplomatically ignored it.  Then, the Queen began knighting each person.

 

When she came to Rabbi Jacobawitz, who still wasn't kneeling, she looked at him expectantly. Realizing she was waiting for the Latin recitation, he began to sweat and shake with nervousness.  Then, in a fit of utter desperation, he said the first thing that came to mind, "Ma nish tana haleilah hazeh!"

 

The Queen, perplexed, turned to Prince Charles and asked,

"Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A bit of explanations for my non-Jewish subscribers:

 

Hashem is one of the permissible names Jews can use to refer to G-d, not wishing to say His name in vein.

 

"Ma nish tana haleilah hazeh" literally translated from Hebrew "Why is this NIGHT different from all other NIGHTS?"  It is the first of the four questions, traditionally asked by the youngest child during Seder.

 

Seder is festive meal during which the story of Passover is retold. It is held on the first and second nights of Passover.  And boy, it's a long one!

 

 

b) “The "Hare" Spray?”

 

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.  He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.  The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.  Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.  The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.

 

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.  She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

 

"I feel terrible," he explained.  "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

 

The woman told the man not to worry.  She knew what to do.  She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can.  She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

 

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.  50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.

 

The man was astonished.  He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!  He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can?  What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

 

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.  It said: 

"'Hair Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hair.  Adds Permanent Wave."

 

 

6.  THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM

______________________________________________

 

“Burning Little Hut” (already published in META 2 years ago)

 

The only survivor of a shipwreck washed up on a small, uninhabited island.  He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.  Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements and to store his few possessions.  But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with the smoke rolling up to the sky.  The worst had happened; everything was lost. 

 

He was stung with grief and anger.  "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried.

 

Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island.  It had come to rescue him. 

 

"How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers.

 

"We saw your smoke signal," they replied.

 

Contributed by: Reynolds