META - ENGLISH - July 16, 1999

The Spiritual Translator Newsletter

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1. QUOTES VIII

"If you think you're too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito in the room." -- Anita Koddick

"I live so far out of town, the mailman mails me my letters." - Henry Youngman

"I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them." - George Bush

"When Solomon said that there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking an automobile." - Bob Edwards

"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector." - Knight Ridder News Service dispatch

Love your neighbor, but don't tear down your fence. - German Proverb

"You can pick out actors by the glazed look that comes into their eyes when the conversation wanders away from themselves." - Michael Wilding

"It is impossible to experience one's own death objectively and still carry a tune." - Woody Allen in Getting Even

"Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch." - Dave James

"The wages of sin are death, but after taxes are taken out, it's just a tired feeling." - Paula Poundstone

"There are some strings. They're just not attached." - Unknown

"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen." - Steven Wright

SPOUSE, n: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. - Anonymous

"Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it." - Lyndon B. Johnson

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." - Elayne Boosler

"He has occasional flashes of silence, that make his conversation perfectly delightful." - Sydney Smith

"Be careful about reading health books. You might die of a misprint." - Mark Twain

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other." - J. Handy

"I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing." - Steven Wright

Found in Archives

2. JOKES

A flashy showgirl married a 97 year-old retired well-to-do General, largely because she held the belief that the old codger wouldn't even survive the wedding night. While her new husband was in the bathroom, the woman slipped

into a black see-through nightie and struck her most seductive pose upon the bed. When the old man finally emerged, she was startled to see that he was stark naked except for earplugs, a clothes pin on his nose and a condom. "Why are you wearing those?" she asked in amazement. "Because if there's anything I just can't stand, "he grumbled, "it's the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber."

A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He is taking all of her background information and asks her, "Do you have grounds for a divorce?"

To which she replies, "Well, we have three acres."

"No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?" asks the attorney.

"No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00," she responds.

Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, "Lady, tell me, do you have a grudge?"

Looking very confident she states, "No, we have a carport."

At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, "Look, Lady. Why the hell do you want a divorce?"

"Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!"

The solemn-faced man entered the diner and took the lunch counter stool next to mine. The smiling waiter greeted the new customer and asked if he'd like the daily special.

"What is it?" queried the unsmiling newcomer.

"Beef tongue sandwich," the waiter replied, still smiling.

With the most disgusted expression on his face imaginable, the man growled, "I wouldn't THINK of eating something that came out of an animal's mouth!!"

"Yes, sir," the undaunted waiter said; "Would you like a menu, then?"

To which the finicky guy responded, "Oh, no -- just give me a fried egg sandwich please.

Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left. The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break though. They made him a salesman and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE too got a break. They made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the Real Estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."

The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you on that. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. He had a similar break after years of hard work. In fact, he's so rich now that he just gave HIS best friend a million in stock for his birthday."

The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they were telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I learned something new about my son recently. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. That used to worry me for his financial future, but not anymore. I also learned that he's gay and has several boyfriends."

"Really?" says one of the others, "was that a shock for you to learn?"

Well, sort of. I've come to understand that there are more than a few ways to have the best in life. He does very well for himself. For example, his boyfriends bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday!"

HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN AND STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

2. He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.

3. He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.

4. He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.

5. He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American.

6. He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

7. He is not short; he is Anatomically Compact.

8. He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.

9. He is not a bad dancer; he is Overly Caucasian.

10. He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.

11. He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.

"IF THE APOSTLE PAUL HAD SENT HIS

EPISTLES BY E-MAIL..."

Subject: The Third E-mail to the Corinthians

Date: 24/03/65 21:07:33 ROMAN standard time

From: Apostle Paul <paulorsaul@theapostles.org>

To: congregation@corinth.org

File: Epistle3.txt (104201 bytes)

[Only the first part of this message is displayed. The entire message has been turned into a text attachment,

encoded in 128-bit MIME and can only be read if you have an obscure program that you won't have heard of.]

Paul, an apostle of Christ and a slave of the Lord, to the brothers in Corinth who are using e-mail accounts other than

AOL. I will send a separate message to those using AOL accounts, knowing how primitive their e-mail service is at

the present time.

This is the third e-mail I am sending to you. Did you receive my other two? I have had no reply from you yet, and

a "fatal delivery" error message for the second e-mail, in which I wrote about love, faith and hope. I will send it

again, just in case.

I sent my second message to the congregations throughout the whole of Asia Minor, but my service provider considered this to be spamming and closed down one of my accounts.

To those who are using Web based e-mail accounts, I will send Timothy to you with my message on foot. It will get there quicker.

Philemon and Titus send you their love. I found their e-mails amidst a flood of junk mail and get-rich-quick messages, in which there is no real profit.

Look - I hope you don't mind, but I think I'll stick with the parchments next time.

Anyway, I wanted to write to you on the important subject of

-----------end of message----------

headers

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Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their way. As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."

She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."

A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed: "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention..."

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets two shot glasses, fills one with water the other with whiskey. She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies. Sternly the wife remarks, "So what do you have to say about this experiment?" Coolly the husband replies, "If I drink whiskey I won't get worms!"

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."

Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."

Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."

Solution: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."

Problem: "#1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Solution: "Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."

Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."

Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."

Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."

Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."

Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."

Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."

Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."

Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"

Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"

"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.

Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said, "Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!"

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

and

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy (not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy).

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system."

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too.

About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.

To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't they? And boy the water is sure cold!!

Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said,

I was a little drunk.

To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.

Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to come to the picnic....

Joan, a rather well-proportioned though near-sighted secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first few days, but always removed her glasses for an even facial tan.

After several days she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her bottom.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you have for the past week."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly."No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight!"

A rabbi was always teaching his followers to seek the answers in themselves. But the followers always came back expecting more answers from him. Finally he set up a booth with a sign: "Any Two Questions Answered for only $100.00" After some deliberation, one of his richest followers decided to go for it and brought two important questions.

He paid the money and said to the rabbi as he paid him, "Isn't $100 rather costly for just two questions?"

"Yes," said the Rabbi, "and what is your second question?"

Found in Archives

Mike was touching up the paint in the bathroom one weekend when the brush slipped out of his hand, leaving a stripe across the toilet seat. Si Mike painted the whole seat over, and went off to a ball game. His wife happened to get home early, went upstairs to pee, and found herself firmly stuck to the seat. At six o'clock, Mike found her there, furious and embarrassed, but was unable to dislodge her for fear of tearing the skin.

With considerable difficulty Mike managed to get her into the back seat of the car and then to a wheelchair at the country hospital, where she was wheeled into a room and maneuvered, on her knees, onto an examining table. At this point, the resident entered and surveyed the scene. "What do you think, Doc?" broke in the nervous husband. "Nice, very nice. It's obvious your wife is a natural blonde", he commented, stroking his chin. "But why the cheap frame?"

Sent by Jean (Montréal)

Let me introduce you to the Indian Newfies called the Sardars. Here are some stories directly from India.

Three convicts escaped from prison. One was a Madrasi, one a Gujarati, and one a Sardar. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later the Prison Warden and his assistant came into the barn. The warden told his assistant to go up and check out the hayloft.When he got up there the warden asked him what he saw and the assistant yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks." The warden told him to find out what was in them, so the assistant kicked the first sack, which had the Madrasi in it. He went, "Bow-wow", so the assistant told the warden there was a dog in it. Then he kicked the sack with the Gujarati in it. He went, "Meow", so the assistant told the warden there was a cat in it. Then he kicked the one with the Sardar in it, and there was no sound at all.So he kicked it again, and finally the Sardar said, "Potatoes".

Santa Singh is called for an interview in some firm. He lands there on time. He is immediately hauled inside in front of the interviewing officer. Officer looks at Santa Singh Then goes thru his certificates and then starts asking him questions.

Following is the transcript :

O : Mr. Santa Singh, after seeing your qualifications & credentials I would like to ask you only some simple questions. If you can answer those then you are selected. First we will start with some opposites

S : Yes Sir.

Officer started asking questions

O : Above

S : Below

O : Front

S : Back

O : Left

S : Right

O : Male

S : Female

O : Ugly (means Next in Punjabi)

S : Pichhly (means Previous in Punjabi)

O : Ugly...U-G-L-Y( Officer spells it)

S : Pichhly...P-I-C-H-H-L-Y( Our sardar also spells it)

O : U.....G.....L ...... Y.....(Officer shouts)

S : P ..... I ..... C ..... H ....... H ...... L ..... Y......

Our sardar also shouts)

#Officer is now angry.

O : Get out

S : Come in.

O : Quiet please.

S : Talk please.

O : You are rejected.

S : I am selected ........ ....... and This is how Santa Singh got his job.

Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian.

The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.

When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him."

The chief thanked him and he left.

When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.

Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?"

The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow."

When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How did the interview go?". Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.

Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees andstarted thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?" The sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."

An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector. The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is silent.

The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Allright, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent.

The Sardarji says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

Oye, I am only following the instructions -'Answer in brief'.

Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks "kyonbhai,ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?" (Why do you take these things with you?). Sardarji replies "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun" (If the stupid train comes late, I will die of hunger!)

There is this group of 7 Sardars who plan to go to Delhi to thank the President Dr. Zail Singh for his revolutionary policies, from which they have greatly benefited. Moreover, they are his old friends, and are longing to dine with the president. They agree that it would be appropriate to use a taxi. So they go to a taxi driver and ask him how much a ride would cost.

The driver frets a little and tells them, "Sahab! If only four of you were to be there I would charge you just the meter rate, but then since seven of you would be there, you have to give me Rs. 10/- more."

The Sardars agree and decide to take the taxi. The taxi driver takes them to Rashtrapati Bhavan. The meter shows Rs. 18/-, so the taxi driver says, "You have to pay me Rs. 28/-."

Now, the Sardars have to share the cost among themselves and so they decide to divide the total (Rs. 28/-) by the number of people, i.e.7. This is how they do the calculation to arrive at the answer:

7 | 28= 13( 7 x 1 = 7, 7 x 3 = 21).

7

--

21

21

--

0

--

The driver (naturally) is exceedingly happy upon receiving Rs. 13/- from each of the Sardars. He thanks them profusely and the feeling of exultant happiness is written on his face as he leaves them and proceeds his way.

Seeing this, the Sardars feel that they may have made a mistake. They decide to ask Zail Singh about it. After all, the fellow was the President of the nation! After all the initial formalities are completed, they ask Zail Singh to check their calculation of the taxi fare. Zail Singh ponders over the calculations and finally says, "See, I am not good at division. The process just boggles me but addition is something I am an expert at. Let us add all the amounts you guys gave to the taxi driver and check the result. This is how I do for those tax forms I get very often. The process is slow but is sure." The other Sardars nod their heads (?) in appreciation.

The President writes as shown below and also explains as he writes on:

13

13

13

13

13

13

13

--

28

--

i.e. 3+3+3+3+3+3+3= 21 and 21+1+1+1+1+1+1+1=28 so this checks out. He then says, "Yes, it's correct. But I can also

call my close friend and Finance man Manmohan Singh. It is always better that he rechecks it. After all, he is a Finance man, you know!" Manmohan Singh arrives, and when told of the problem, he replies that he doesn't think it is a bad deal but says, "No problem! I will verify it via mathematical computation.I'll verify it with multiplication. That is the best technique for this, you see!"

While others watch in admiration, Manmohan Singh goes on to write as shown:

13

x7

---

21

7

--

28This checks out as well.

--

Then he says, "This is really fine. There should be no problem, President Sahab. After all, it is correct in all the methods."

Peace reigns at the President's residence as the inhabitants and guests remain in quite contentedness while they reminisce about their astute abilities on solving a problem in a successful fashion.

You've all heard of Russian roulette and a joke's been making the rounds about African roulette. How many of you know how to play Indian roulette though ?You're given a flute and 6 large cobras, one of whom is deaf.

Found in archives

3. STORIES

I heard the story told recently about a king in Africa who had a close friend that he grew up with. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!" One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!" To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.

As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way. As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right" he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this." "No," his friend replied, "this is good!"

"What do you mean, "this is good!" "How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year." "If I had not been in jail, I would have been with you."

Found in Archives

A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted. As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning of his graduation, his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box. Curious, but somewhat disappointed, the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible, with the young man's name embossed in gold. Angrily, he raised his voice to his father and said, "With all your money you give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the Bible.Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care of things. When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. He began to search through his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. His father had carefully underlined a verse, Matt 7:11, "And if ye,being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Heavenly father which is in heaven, give to those who ask Him?"As he read those words, a car key dropped from the back of the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words ..PAID IN FULL.

Sent by Emilia (Brazil)

A British family journeyed to Scotland for a summer vacation. The mother and father were looking forward to enjoying the beautiful Scottish countryside with their young son. But one day the son wandered off all by himself and got into trouble. As he walked through the woods, he came across an abandoned swimming hole, and as most boys his age do, he took off his clothes and jumped in. He was totally unprepared for what happened next. Before he had time to enjoy the pool of water, he was seized by a vicious attack of cramps. He began calling for help while fighting a losing battle with the cramps to stay afloat.Luckily, it happened that in a nearby field a farm boy was working. When he heard the frantic cries for help, he brought the English boy to safety. The father whose son had been rescued was of course very grateful. The next day, he went to meet the youth who had saved his son's life. As the two talked, the Englishman asked the brave lad what he planned to do with his future. The boy answered, "Oh I suppose I'll be a farmer like my father." The grateful father said, "Is there something else you'd rather do?" "Oh, yes!" answered the Scottish lad. "I've always wanted to be a doctor. But we are poor people and could never afford to pay for my education." "Never mind that," said the Englishman. "You shall have your heart's desire and study medicine. Make your plans, and I'll take care of the costs." So, the Scottish lad did indeed become a doctor. Some years later, in December of 1943, Winston Churchill became very ill with pneumonia while in North Africa. Word was sent to Sir Alexander Fleming, who had discovered the new wonder drug, penicillin, to come immediately.Flying in from England, Dr. Fleming administered his new drug to the ailing prime minister. In doing so, he saved Churchill's life for the second time. For it was the boy Winston Churchill whom Alexander Fleming had rescued from the water.

Sent by Ernesto (USA)