META - ENGLISH - July 09, 1999

The Spiritual Translator Newsletter

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1. QUOTES VII

 "Never judge a book by its movie." -- J.W. Eagan

"What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone?" -- Bertolt Brecht (1898-1956)

"I have not yet begun to procrastinate." -- Unknown

"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder." -- Alfred Hitchcock (1899-1980)

"Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves." -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

"Some women get excited about nothing and then marry him." -- Unknown

"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted." -- Mae West

"Start every day with a smile and get it over with." -- W.C. Fields

"Everyone wants a parade, but nobody wants to clean up after the elephants." -- Michael Sean Madill

"May the words you speak today be soft and tender, for to-morrow you may have to eat them." -- John Gaither

"If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space." -- Rebecca B. Smith

Seen above a urinal in the bathroom of a bar: "We aim to please. You aim too, please." [Submitted by Kevin Michael Reed]

"Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one."

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? A. Polaroids.

Q. What's an Australian kiss? A. The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!

Ah, yes, "Divorce", from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams

Tarzan's last words; "Who greased the grape vine?!"

"If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance." -- Al Bernstein

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." -- Bob Hope

Found in Archives

2. JOKES

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible,' said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing when Jesus says, "I want to perform a miracle so it will feel like the good old days." Moses says, "Yeah, sure." So Jesus gets up and says "I think I'll walk on water, that was always a good one."

So Jesus walks over to the edge of the boat, steps into the water and sinks like a stone. Moses drags him back into the boat and revives him. Moses says, "What's the problem?" Jesus replies, "I don't know, but it could be these holes in my feet!"

The first time the Air Force sent me on temporary duty by myself, I experienced probably the most embarrassing moment in my life, which I tell here in hopes that other butter bars out there won't make the same mistake.

I was traveling from Wright-Patterson AFB, OH to Vandenberg AFB, CA one Spring, and the flight scheduled me for a two-hour layover in the St. Louis, MO airport. I decided to hit the snack bar and bought a cup of coffee, a package of Oreos and a newspaper. After giving the cashier the nine bucks or so these items cost, I scanned the crowded sitting area for a place to relax. The lounge was crowded, but there appeared to be a spot across from a fellow in a military uniform of some sort. "Great!" I thought,"another soldier. Maybe he can tell me about life in the forces..." With my coffee on the right side of the table, my newspaper on the left and my Oreos in the center, I sat down before I took my first close look at the man opposite me. He was a Marine Corps Brigadier General - a mean-looking man with no hair, a real-life scar on his forehead and about six rows of ribbons, including the Silver Star with a cluster. To me, the General had horns, fangs, a pitchfork and a long pointed tail as well. I was already committed to using the table, but not wanting to bother the General, I meekly squeaked out, "Good morning, sir," before sitting down.

I had begun the paper's crossword puzzle and was making good progress when I heard a peculiar rustling sound, much like the crinkling of cellophane. I looked up out of the corner of my eye to discover the General had reached across the center of the table, opened the package of Oreos, taken out one and was eating it. Now, not having attended the Air

Force Academy, I was not familiar with how to deal with the finer points of military etiquette, such as what to do when a senior member of another service calmly rips off one of your cookies. Several responses came to mind, but none of these seemed entirely appropriate. I realized that the honor of the Air Force was, in a small way, at stake here. I certainly couldn't let the General think I was a complete weenie. Besides, at airport prices, one Oreo is a significant fraction of take-home pay for a second lieutenant. The only response I could make was to reach across the center of the table, open the opposite end of the package (trying not to notice that the other end had mysteriously come open somehow), extract an Oreo and eat it very, very thoroughly.

"There," I thought, "I've subtly shown the general that these are my Oreos, and he should go buy his own."

Marines are known for many qualities, but subtlety is not among them. The General calmly reached out for another Oreo and ate it. (By the way, the General was licking the middles out first before eating the cookies.) Not having said anything the first time, of course, I couldn't bring it up then.

The only thing to do was to take another cookie for myself. We wound up alternating through the entire package. For an instant our eyes met, and there was palpable tension in the air, but neither of us said a word. After I had finished the last Oreo, they announced something over the public address system. The General got up, put his papers back into his briefcase, picked up the now empty wrapper, threw it away, brushed the few crumbs neatly off the table and left. I sat there marvelling at his gall and feeling very foolish.

A few minutes later, they announced my flight. I felt a great deal more foolish when I finished my coffee, threw the cup away and lifted my newspaper to reveal *my* Oreos!

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well and they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink. A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands. The girl looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist!"

Flabbergasted, the guy responded, "Why yes. That's amazing. How did you determine that?"

The woman replied, "Easy... you keep washing your hands."

Well, one thing led to another, and they migrated to the bed. Things became more and more passionate and... (*snip*)

After their passionate deed was done (while the man was washing his hands) the woman remarked, "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The guy was very surprised, and said 'Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist... You amaze me! And how did you know THAT, my dear?'

His lover said, "That's easy. I didn't feel a thing."

Memo No. 1:

Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo No. 2:

Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Memo No. 3:

Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Memo No. 4:

A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Memo No. 5:

As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo No. 6:

The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the

appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo No. 7:

Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said. "I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

The contractor said. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

Little Johnnie greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and ...."

The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him. "But why?" croaked the husband. "Go ahead, Johnnie. Tell Daddy what you've just told me."

"Well," said little Johnnie, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with that guy you told me to call 'Uncle Bob.'"

The following are actual headlines:

1. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

2. Survivor of Siamese Twins joins Parents

3. Stud Tires Out

4. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

5. Reagan Wins on Budget, But more Lies Ahead

6. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

7. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

8. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

9. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

10. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in 1984

11. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

12. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

13. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

14. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby. Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?"

He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure. In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl."

The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."

At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?"

The doctor answered, "Her name is Denise." (prononcez Denice pour l'anglais Deniece)

"Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?"

The doctor answered, "Denephew".

FINALLY...

To: All Male U.S. Citizens

From: I.R.S. Service Center

Re: Notice of increase in tax payments

The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependants and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1, 1999 your penis will be taxed according to size.

10 - 12 inches Luxury Tax $30.00

8 - 10 Pole Tax 25.00

5 - 8 Privilege Tax 15.00

4 - 5 Nuisance Tax 3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file a capital gains return.

NOTE: Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.

The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking along slowly with a cane. He'd managed to get by with no sarcastic comments. Whew!

Then she said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"

"Did we land or were we shot down?"

We were seated at the dinner table, my wife, my daughter Bette (about 7), my son "Jimbo" (about 4), and myself.

All during dinner, my wife and I had noticed how well the kids were getting along that night -- none of the usual bickering, picking at each other.

As we were just about finished eating, my son suddenly said, "I love Bette! When I grow up, I'm gonna marry her!"

Well, my mind started spinning! I thought, "Oh no, how am I gonna explain this to a 4-year-old?"

Just then Bette, with all the childlike simplicity that only a 7-year-old possesses, saved the day by saying, "Oh no, we couldn't do that, Jimbo! Cause then our kids would only have one set of grandparents!"

The British Military writes Officer Fitness Reports (OFR's). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

These are some of former vice president Dan Quayle's most famous foibles.

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice-president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

"May our nation continue to be the bacon of hope to the world." -- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card.

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

"Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a job next year."

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make."

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond ear rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will re-marry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry," she explained.

It was decided by Microsoft during a brilliant brainstorming session that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their finest technician. So off to boot camp he went.

At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. "Hmmm.," he thought, "I'll get to the bottom of this in no time."

He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He pointed his still loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and fired. A cloud of dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left there in the dust.

"Yep, it's working," he concluded.

The technician yelled out to the others at the target end, "The rifle is in working order, and the bullet seems to be leaving this end just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.

"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."

Found in Archives

3. STORIES

Two stories about love from our children

Once there were two women

Who never knew each other

One you do not remember

The other you call mother

Two different lives

Shaped to make yours one

One became your guiding star

The other became your sun

The first gave you life

The second taught you to live in it

The first gave you the need for love

And the second was there to give it

One gave you nationality

Together they gave you a name

One gave you the seed of talent

The other gave you an aim

One gave you emotions

The other calmed your fears

One saw your first sweet smile

The other dried your tears

One gave you up -

It was all that she could do

The other prayed for a child

And God led her straight to you

And now you ask me

Through your tears

The age old question

Through the years;

Heredity or environment -

Which are you a product of?

Neither, my darling - neither

Just two different kinds of love

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I thought it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I knew that little things are special things.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I believed there is a God I could always talk to.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I felt you kiss me good night, and I felt loved.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked ... and wanted to say thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.

Author Unknown