META - ENGLISH - July 02, 1999

The Spiritual Translator Newsletter

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 "Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet." -- Unknown

"Setting an example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age." -- William Feather

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." -- Sacha Guitry

"Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce." -- Unknown

"To sell something, tell a woman it's a bargain; tell a man it's deductible." -- E. Wilson

"How can you expect to govern a country that has two hundred and forty-six kinds of cheese?" -- Charles de Gaulle

"I detest life-insurance agents; they argue that some day I shall die, which is not so." -- Stephen Leacock (1869-1944)

"A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep." -- W.H. Auden (1907-1973)

"Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep 'till noon." -- Unknown

What's a biotic anyway, and why is everyone against it? -- Unknown

"An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot." -- Rich Julius

"If you think nobody cares, miss a couple of payments." -- Unknown

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"It's a funny old world, a man's lucky if he can get out of it alive." -- W.C. Fields (1879-1946)

"Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, what they conceal is vital." -- Aaron Levenstein

"Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes." -- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

"Tourists are terrorists with cameras. Terrorists are tourists with guns." -- Unknown

Found in Archives

2. JOKES

The four men at the card table were being bothered by an irritating know-it-all. When the troublesome talker stepped into the next room, one of the players suggested, "This next hand let's make up a game nobody ever heard of-he won't know what the hell we're playing and maybe that will shut him up."

When the know-it-all returned, the dealer tore the top two cards in half and gave them to the man on his right; he tore the corners off the next three cards and placed them before the next player, face up; he tore the next five cards in quarters, gave fifteen pieces to the third man, four to himself and put the last piece in the center of the table.

Looking intently at four small pieces of card in his hand, the dealer said, "I have a mingle, so I think I'll bet a dollar."

The second man stared at the pasteboards scattered before him. "I have a snazzle," he announced, "so I'll raise you a dollar."

The third man folded without betting and the fourth, after due deliberation, said, "I've a farfle, so I'll raise you two dollars."

The know-it-all shook his head slowly from side to side. "You're crazy," he said, "you're never going to beat a mingle and a snazzle with a lousy farfle."

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?" The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore." "Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?" "She hit me with her bag of quarters!"

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's: a Poodle, a Terrier and a Great Dane. They're all discussing what they're in for. The Terrier says, "I can't help but bite the postman, every time he turns up I'm after him down the path. The Post Office has complained to my owners and they've agreed to put me to sleep." All the dogs agree that this is a great shame. The Poodle then states why he's at the in. "Every time I see a car I'm over the fence and chasing after it. It's great fun, the problem is that a car I was chasing yesterday swerved to avoid me and crashed, killing the driver. My owners have decided that I should be put to sleep so that I don't cause any more accidents." All the dogs shake their heads in sadness. Then the Poodle and the Terrier turn to the Great Dane to hear his story. "Well, my owner had just had a bath," he says. "She was bending over in the bedroom drying her legs, and I just couldn't resist it, I climbed aboard and had my way with her." "So are you here to be put to sleep as well then?" asked the Poodle. "No" came the reply, "I'm just getting my nails trimmed."

A mother and her son were flying TWA from Indianapolis to Chicago.

The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess: "Hey lady, if big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy said that she had.

The stewardess replied, "Well, go tell your mother that it's because TWA always pulls out on time."

A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.

"1956," was his immediate reply.

"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more."

"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's only 2014 now."

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" "Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since that was a bus stop."

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained, through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since your managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, because they are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job, training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have any questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

Boss In General Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear perfectly again.

The elderly gentleman returned to the doctor's in a month for a final check on the new equipment. After some tests, the doctor proclaimed, "Your hearing is perfect!" "Thank you for helping me," replied the elderly man. "You're welcome," said the doctor. "Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." "Oh, I haven't told them yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations I used to miss, replied the elderly gentleman. "Really!?" questioned the doctor. You must still be marveling at being able to hear again and just not ready to believe it yourself. That must be why you haven't told them."

"Well, no that's not it exactly, but I have changed my will three times!"

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a little?' and she pretends that she's asleep!"

A psychotherapist was enjoying a growing practice since he graduated college. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper sign advertising his services. So he told a kid to paint a sign board for him & put it above his clinic entrance.

Instead of his business building up, it declined steeply. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his clinic after reading the sign. So he decided to check it out for himself. One look and he understood why. The boy only found a small wooden board to paint the sign on and he had split the word psychotherapist into the 3 words. His new sign read:

Psycho-

the-

rapist.

(G)uest: Waiter!

(W)aiter: Hello, my name is Bill and I will be your server tonight. You stay may be monitored for quality control reasons. First, may I have your address and phone number? Good, now what can I do for you?

G: There's a fly in my soup

W: Leave the restaurant and come back in. Possibly the fly will not be there the next time

G: No, the fly is still there...

W: Maybe you are eating the soup incorrectly, try it with the fork

G: Even if I use the fork, the fly is still there!

W: Does the dish fit the soup? what kind of dish are you using?

G: A SOUP DISH!

W: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the soup dish delivered?

G: You brought the soup dish on a serving dish, but what does that have to do with the fly in my soup?

W: Can you remember everything, before you realized there was a fly in your soup?

G: I sat down and ordered the soup of the day.

W: Have you considered switching to the latest soup of the day?

G: You have more than one soup of the day?

W: Yes, we change the soup of the day hourly

G: Ok, what is the current soup of the day?

W: The current soup of the day is tomato soup

G: Great, bring me the current soup of the day and the check - I'm running late by now....

The waiter brings the soup and the check

W: Here is the soup and the check.

G: But that is potato soup?

W: Yes, the tomato soup got delayed by about 6 months while we try to remove some lumps...

G: Fine, I'm so hungry, I'll eat the potato soup...

The waiter leaves

G: Waiter! There's a mosquito in my soup!

....................

INVOICE

Soup of the day : $40.00

Upgrade to the new soup of the day: $20.00

Support: $200.00

Defect in the soup of the day with no surcharge (to be changed with tomorrow's soup)

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them Reading, Writing, Math, and Science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

What you always wanted to know in Latin but never dared to ask...

Die dulci fruere.

Have a nice day.

Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.

Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog.

Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!

If you can read this sign, you can get a goodjob in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!

Sona si Latine loqueris.

Honk if you speak Latin.

Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum!

Don't you dare erase my hard disk!

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.

I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

Gramen artificiosum odi.

I hate Astroturf.

Furnulum pani nolo.

I don't want a toaster.

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.

I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.

Don't call me, I'll call you.

Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules.

If I were you, I wouldn't walk in front of any catapults.

Canis meus id comedit.

My dog ate it.

Illiud Latine dici non potest.

You can't say that in Latin.

Vidistine nuper imagines moventes bonas?

Seen any good movies lately?

Nullo metro compositum est.

It doesn't rhyme.

Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.

I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it's not a poem.

Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!

May barbarians invade your personal space!

Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant

May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!

Radix lecti

Couch potato

Quo signo nata es?

What's your sign?

Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.

You know, the Romans invented the art of love.

Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio.

I am as dead as the nehru jacket.

Ventis secundis, tene cursum.

Go with the flow.

Totum dependeat.

Let it all hang out.

Te precor dulcissime supplex!

Pretty please with a cherry on top!

Magister Mundi sum!

I am the Master of the Universe!

Fac me cocleario vomere!

Gag me with a spoon!

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.

I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Prehende uxorem meam, sis!

Take my wife, please!

Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est.

Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.

Vescere bracis meis.

Eat my shorts.

Sic faciunt omnes.

Everyone is doing it.

Vacca foeda

Stupid cow

Fac ut vivas.

Get a life.

Found in Archives

3. STORIES

I went to a party, Mom, I remembered what you said. You told me not to drink, Mom, so I drank soda instead I really felt proud inside, Mom, the way you said I would. I didn't drink and drive, Mom, even though the others said I should. I know I did the right thing, Mom, I know you are always right. Now the party is finally ending, Mom, as everyone is driving out of sight.

As I got into my car, Mom, I knew I'd get home in one piece. Because of the way you raised me, so responsible and sweet. I started to drive away, Mom, but as I pulled out into the road, the other car didn't see me, Mom, and hit me like a load. As I lay there on the pavement, Mom, I hear the policeman say, the other guy is drunk, Mom, and now I'm the one who will pay.

I'm lying here dying, Mom. I wish you'd get here soon. How could this happen to me, Mom? My life just burst like a balloon. There is blood all around me, Mom, and most of it is mine. I hear the medic say, Mom, I'll die in a short time.

I just wanted to tell you, Mom, I swear I didn't drink. It was the others, Mom. The others didn't think. He was probably at the same party as I. The only difference is, he drank and I will die.

Why do people drink, Mom? It can ruin your whole life. I'm feeling sharp pains now. Pains just like a knife. The guy who hit me is walking, Mom, and I don't think it's fair. I'm lying here dying and all he can do is stare.

Tell my brother not to cry, Mom. Tell Daddy to be brave. And when I go to heaven, Mom, put "Daddy's Girl" on my grave

Someone should have told him, Mom, not to drink and drive. If only they had told him, Mom, I would still be alive.

My breath is getting shorter, Mom. I'm becoming very scared. Please don't cry for me, Mom. When I needed you, you were always there.

I have one last question, Mom, before I say good bye. I didn't drink and drive, so why am I the one to die?

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.

The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D. Souza. He said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time...and remember that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination. Work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt, And dance like no one's watching. 

Found in Archives