META - ENGLISH - January 31, 2000
The Spiritual
Translator Newsletter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IN META TODAY
1. PURCHASE
ORDERS
2. QUOTES XXII
3.
TRANSLATION BEAUTIES
4. JOKES
5. THE ANT
AND THE CONTACT LENS
6. TEST
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. PURCHASE
ORDERS
Many
translation agencies like to give you a purchase order and it gives you a
feeling of security. But can you do something if the purchase order is not
respected? It is easy to get out of any contract. You make a typo in your
translation and you have an angry agency manager asking for a discount. Or the
agency can pay you whatever they want, whenever they want and sometimes not at
all. Of course, you can always go to this wonderful "payment
practices" created by Karin Adamczyk, you
all know it, right?
The email
address is pp_dist-owner@onelist.com
and share
your experience with other translators. They will think twice before accepting
a job from this agency!
But there
is something else, you may not think about and that is just what happened to
me. On the purchase order is written the currency in which you are going to be
paid. I had a purchase order with DELTA international, a translation agency in
Bonn (Germany) with a rate in US$. The work had to be done on TRADOS, and we
had a word count for the no match and a word count for the fuzzy match, both
rates being in US$. After 30 days, I sent an email to Pascal Bauer, the
manager, to ask him how he intended to pay and I sent him all the information
to make a wire transfer to my account in US$ here in Toronto. He replied, he
was checking when the transfer was going to be done. A few days later, I
received in the mail, a check in German Marks. I had to pay my translator in
US$. So you know what happened? In Canada, you cannot change directly from a
foreign currency to another one without going through the Canadian dollar. As a
result, I had to pay a double commission to the bank resulting in a loss of
US$111 on the invoice I sent to Delta. What Pascal Bauer did is totally
unprofessional. Furthermore, I did not tell you that I had to give him a
substantial discount before hand, because, even though all the codes in TRADOS
were in the right place, my German translator left a few typos in the text. The
typos were not a sufficient reason to take off hundred of dollars from the
original invoice, but I did it any way in order to keep a client.
My point is
that Pascal Bauer should not have decided to pay in German Marks an invoice
that was written in US dollars, without checking with me if it was all right.
Therefore,
be very specific with your client about the currency you want to be paid in and
if the payment is not conform to the currency, check how much you are losing
and make a complaint. You can also not cash the check and send an email to ask
them to send you a more appropriate one.
2. QUOTES
XXII
"The New England Journal of Medicine
reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an
idiot." - Jay Leno
"The Meaning Of Life: The reason that
we're all here is that it was too crowded where we were supposed to
go." - Steven Wright
"Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to
equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your
eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it
out."
-
Omni
Warning seen on a knife:
"Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children."
"I said to my doctor, 'I've broken my arm
in several places.' He said, 'Don't go to those places.'" - Henny Youngman
"It would appear that we have reached the
limits of what it is possible to achieve with computer technology, although one
should be careful with such statements, as they tend to sound pretty silly in 5
years." - John Von Neumann (ca. 1949)
"They say that after a brush with death
the world looks different and that was true for me, but by the time I caught my
breath, I realized that it was because I had lost my
glasses." - Michael Dorris, "The Broken Cord"
"Remember how the news media made a big
deal about it when those people came out after spending two years inside
Biosphere 2? Well, two years is nothing. Veteran parents assure me that
teenagers routinely spend that long in the bathroom." - Dave Barry
"I was driving down the highway, and I'm
swerving all over, coz I'm trying to change the radio, and just as I get the
old one taken out I hear this traffic cop behind me, 'Whee-oo, whee-oo,
whee-oo' .... well, I shouldn't make fun of his speech impediment. He asks me
to walk in a straight line, so I do, then he asks me 'You call that a straight
line? Well, I should have said, I SHOULD have said ...."Yes." But I
was nervous and the only thing I could think of was: "Well Officer
Pythagoras, the closest you'll ever come
to a straight line is if they do an
ectroencephalagram of your own brain-wave." - Emo Philips
"My wife is so fat that when she lays on
the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the
water." - Rodney Dangerfield
"And what shape, then, is the Rubik's
Cube?" - Peter Sissons, BBC
(UK)
"Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the
principal one was that they escaped teething." - Mark Twain
"English Law prohibits a man from marrying
his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation." - Unknown
"Imagine what will happen to this nation
if large numbers of American women start using the Wonderbra. It will be
catastrophic. The male half of the population will be nothing but mindless
drooling Zombies of Lust. Granted, this is also true now, but it will be even
worse."
-
Dave Barry
"I woke up one morning and looked around
the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the
night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I
couldn't believe it ... I got my roommate and showed him. I said, 'Look at this
- verything's been replaced with an exact replica!' He said, 'Do I know
you?'"
-
Steven Wright
"All the drinks in Hawaii have something
floating in them. It's kind of like our water here in Los Angeles." - Bob Hope
"After all, what is your hosts' purpose in
having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole
purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by
taxi."
-
P. J. O'Rourke
"When authorities warn you of the
sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex
with the authorities." - Matt
Groening ("Life In Hell")
"I heard that in relativity theory space
and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up
three miles late for his meetings."
-
Steven Wright
"Amusement parks are getting expensive.
The other day, I was at one and saw a sign that said, 'You must be this rich to
ride.'" - John Wagner
3.
TRANSLATION BEAUTIES (most you know, some you don't)
1. Coors
put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as
"Suffer from diarrhea".
2. Clairol
introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find
out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for
the "manure stick".
3.
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American
campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
4. In
Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good"came
out as "eat your fingers off".
5. The
American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem -- Feeling Free", was
translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel
so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty".
6. When
Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in
the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that
in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside,
since most people can't read English.
7. Colgate
introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno
magazine.
8. An
American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which
promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the
shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
9. In
Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into
"Schweppes Toilet Water".
10. Pepsi's
"Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi
brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
11. We all
know about GM's Chevy Nova meaning "it won't go" in Spanish markets,
but did you know that Ford had a similar problem in Brazil with the Pinto?
Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford renamed the
automobile Corcel, meaning "horse".
12.
Hunt-Wesson introduced Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos.Later
they found out that in slang it means "big breasts".
13. Frank
Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender
chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to
make a chicken affectionate".
14. When
Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have
read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the
company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to
embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you
pregnant".
15. The
Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning
"Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax",
depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a
phonetic equivalent "ko-ou- ko-le", translating into "happiness
in the mouth".
16. A few
years ago, in the American Midwest, some people decided to show off their new
"real" Mexican restaurant, named Chi-chi's to some visiting
Californians. Upon seeing the name on the marquis, the Californians started to
laugh. When asked why they were laughing, they explained that in Mexican
Spanish, "chi-chi's" literally means "titties."
Contribution
Mit Shattuck (USA)
4. JOKES
"Short
Stories VIII"
Barry took a
girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around
midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything."
"Well,"
Barry said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"
"No,"
the girl replied.
"Do you
mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
"N-n-no,"
the girl replied.
"You
know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lotta fun if you're on the
level about this."
A funeral
service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the
end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They
open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for
ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and
at the end of the ceremony, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT
WALL!"
One day two
drunks are standing on the corner of a busy street. One of them is bent over
and the other has his finger up the other drunk's ass. A cop sees the two of
them and runs over to stop what they're doing. "What the hell are you
doing with your finger up his ass?" yells the cop. "I'm trying to
make him puke!" says the drunk. "Well, you won't make him puke by
sticking your finger up his ass!" the cop says.
"I will
when I stick it in his mouth", says the drunk.
Q. What kind
of bees give milk?
A. Boo bees.
A bum asks a
man for $2.
The man
asked: "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said:
"No."
The man asked
"Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said:
"No."
Then the man
asked: "Will you come home with me, so my wife can see what happens to a
man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
"1040
Mistake"
Called in for
an audit, the young man was confronted by a surly IRS agent.
"It says
here, Mr. Briggs, that you are a bachelor -- yet you claim a dependent son.
Surely this must
be a
mistake."
Looking him
straight in the eye, Mr. Briggs replied, "Yup, it surely was."
"IRS
Heart Transplant"
A new
arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white-coated doctors searching
through the flowerbeds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost
something?" "No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing
a
heart
transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
"Earrings?"
A woman went
to the doctors office and said, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. But,
I'll have to take my clothes off to show you." The doctor told her to go
behind the screen and disrobe. She did and the doctor went around to see her
when she was ready.
"Well,
what is it?" he asked.
"It's a
bit embarrassing," she replied. "These two green circles have
appeared on the inside of my thighs."
The doctor
examined her and finally admitted he had no idea what the cause was.
Suddenly, the
doctor asks, "You boyfriend wear earrings?"
"Why,
yes, doctor, he does."
"Tell
him they're not real gold."
"Tough
Day on the Range......."
There were
these cowboys cooking on a campfire after a hard day in the saddle. They had on
hot beans
and coffee.
One looked up and saw this cloud of dust coming towards them. The cloud kept
getting bigger
until he
finally saw what was making it. It was a man on a mountain lion whipping it
with a rattle snake.
The man rode
into the camp, jumped off the mountain lion, kicked him in the butt and said
lay down there,
coiled the
snake up and threw it to the ground.
By this time
the cowboys eyes were wide, and not a word was said, as the stranger walked
over to the
camp fire. He
reached into the boiling pot of beans with his hand and scooped up a handful
and ate them,
grabbed the
steaming coffee pot and drank it right from the spout. The stranger kinda looked
around at
the wide eyed
cowboys, and reached into the hot coals and wiped his mouth.
The stranger
said, "Thanks for the meal and drink, but I gotta go. There is a really
MEAN TOUGH SOB
chasing
me."
"Lose
Weight Program"
A rather
hefty man had been trying to lose weight for some time, but never really had
any luck with it. He tried the Navy diet, the Mayo clinic diet, Jenny Craig,
but none of it had worked for him. One day while sitting at home reading the
paper, he reads a small article, "Lose weight, Only a dollar a pound. Call
Today!!!"
On a whim,
he calls the number and is asked, "How much weight would you like to
lose?" Not wanting to go overboard on something he knows so little about,
he answers with a modest, "Ten pounds." "Ok, we'll need your
address and your credit card number, and a representative will be over in the
morning."
The next
morning, at nine, there is a knock on his door. Upon opening it he discovers a
gorgeous blonde, wearing nothing but a smile, and holding a sign that reads,
"If you catch me, you can have me." A chase commences. They run upstairs, downstairs, over the couch,
through the kitchen, across the den...
Finally, he catches her, though he's panting like a dog. As soon as he's done having his fun with
her, she tells him,
"Quick,
go in the bathroom and weigh yourself!" And he's lost exactly ten pounds,
to the ounce!
That
evening, the still slightly over weight man calls up again. "How much
weight would you like to lose?" "Twenty pounds," He answers
enthusiastically. "Ok, we'll need your address and credit card number, and
a representative will be at your home in the morning."
The next
morning at eight, there is a knock on his door. This time it is an even better
looking exquisite red head wearing nothing but tennis shoes. And holding a sign that says, "If you catch me, you can have me." The
chase ensues. Upstairs, downstairs,
over the couch, through the kitchen, across the den... Finally, he catches her, though he nearly
passes out this time. As soon he's had
his fun with her, she tells him, Quickly,
run in the bathroom and weigh yourself!" And, he's lost another
twenty pounds!
That night
the now not-too-bad-looking man, decides that if twenty got him that, this time he'll go all the way. So, he calls
up again. "How much weight would you like to lose, sir?" "Fifty
pounds!" he answers. "Are you sure sir?" responds the voice on
the phone, "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time..."
"I'm sure," he tells her, "Here's my credit card number, now
have a representative over here in the morning." The next day at six, he
awakens to shower and shave, before the arrival of the next rep. At seven there is a knock on the door, he
opens it to find .......a large gorilla there, with a sign that reads,
"IF I
CATCH YOU, I CAN HAVE *YOU*!!!"
"STRANGE
LAWS OF THE UNITED STATES"
- It is
illegal in Kentucky to marry the same man more than 3 times.
- In
California it is illegal to set a mouse trap without a hunting license.
- In
Tennessee it is illegal to use Lassoos to catch a fish.
- If a man
is wearing a striped suit, you cannot throw a knife at him in Natoma, Kansas.
- Unless
you have a doctor's note, it's illegal to buy ice cream after 6 PM in Newark,
New Jersey.
- It is a
misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime in Montana.
- Children
can buy shotguns in Kansas City, Missouri... but not toy cap guns.
- In
Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks.
- In
Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal to kiss your wife on Sunday.
"NUMBERS
OF THE BEAST"
660 --
Approximate number of The Beast
DCLXVI --
Roman numeral of The Beast
666.0000 --
Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 --
Number of the Millibeast
/666 --
Beast Common Denominator
666 *
SQR(-1) -- Imaginary number of The Beast
1010011010
-- Binary number of The Beast
6, uh...
what was that number again? -- Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666 --
Area code of The Beast
00666 --
Zip code of The Beast
1-900-666-0666:
Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only
please.
$665.95 --
Retail price of The Beast
$699.25 --
Price of The Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 --
Price of The Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 --
WalMart price of The Beast
$646.66 --
Next week's WalMart price of The Beast
Phillips
666 -- Gasoline of The Beast
Route 666
-- Way of The Beast (Highway to Hell)
666 F --
Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k --
Retirement plan of The Beast
666 mg --
Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66% -- 5
year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 minimum
deposit.
Lotus 6-6-6
-- Spreadsheet of The Beast
Word 6.66
-- Word Processor of The Beast
i66686 --
CPU of The Beast
666i -- BMW
of The Beast DSM-666 (revised) -- Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of The
Beast
"True
Story from the Newspaper"
Linda
Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws. While there, she went to a nearby
supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several
people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up, her eyes
closed, and both hands behind the back of her head.
One
customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over
to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very
strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot
in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man
called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked,
and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they
finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of
her head.
A Pillsbury
biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded
like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she
reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her
brains.
She had
initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for
over an hour-until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes,
Linda is a blonde.
"Old
man on a crowded bus"
An old man
gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and
rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a
seven year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a
little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."
The old man
snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I
would have a seat today."
"Period"
The
kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the
little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a
time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes
could be a bit crude. But eventually his
turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece
of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well
the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on
something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a
period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said.
"but what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I
know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed
one. Then Daddy had a heart attack,
Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
"Soldier
at attention!"
Mr. Johnson
got himself a new secretary. She was
young, sweet, and very polite. One day
while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room,
she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark, but later
on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his
secretary. Calling her in, he asked,
"By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this
morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty replied,
"Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel
bags."
Sent by
Maria Eugenia (Peru)
5. THE ANT
AND THE CONTACT LENS
(A true
story by Josh and Karen Zarandona) Brenda was a young woman who was invited to
go rock climbing. Although she was scared to death, she went with her group to
a tremendous granite cliff. In spite of her fear, she put on the gear, took a
hold on the rope, and started up the face of that rock. Well, she got to a
ledge where she could take a breather. As she was hanging on there, the safety
rope snapped against Brenda's eye and knocked out her contact lens. Well, here
she is on a rock ledge, with hundreds of feet below her and hundreds of feet
above her. Of course, she looked and looked and looked, hoping it had landed on
the ledge, but it just wasn't there. Here she was, far from home, her sight now
blurry. She was desperate and began to get upset, so she prayed to the Lord to
help her to find it. When she got to
the top, a friend examined her eye and her clothing for the lens, but there was
no contact lens to be found. She sat down, despondent, with the rest of the
party, waiting for the rest of them to make it up the face of the cliff. She
looked out across range after range of mountains, thinking of that Bible verse
that says, "The eyes of the Lord run to and for throughout the whole
earth." She thought, "Lord, You can see all these mountains. You know
every stone and leaf, and You know exactly where my contact lens is. Please
help me."
Finally,
they walked down the trail to the bottom. At the bottom there was a new party
of climbers just starting up the face of the cliff. One of them shouted out,
"Hey, you guys! Anybody lose a contact lens?" Well, that would be
startling enough, but you know why the climber saw it? An ant was moving slowly
across the face of the rock, carrying it! Brenda told me that her father is a
cartoonist. When she told him the incredible story of the ant, the prayer, and
the contact lens, he drew a picture of an ant lugging that contact lens with
the words, "Lord, I don't know why You want me to carry this thing. I
can't eat it, and it's awfully heavy. But if this is what You want me to do,
I'll carry it for You."
There is a reason for everything. Accept things the way they are.
Contribution
Maria Eugenia Olivares (Peru)
6. TEST
GO and take
the test...
Contribution
Ernesto Lo Russo (USA)