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IN META TODAY
1. SOME MORE
TRANSLATION BLOOPERS
2. ALL IN THE WORDS
3. QUOTES XXXI
4.
HUMOROUS COMPANY NAMES
5. RUSSIAN
ADVERTISING
6. I've learnT…
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1. SOME MORE
TRANSLATION BLOOPERS
Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name
'Pavian' to suggest French chic ... but 'Pavian' means 'baboon' in German.
Coors slogan, “Turn it Loose,” was translated into
Spanish as “Suffer From Diarrhea”.
Puffs tissues had a bad name in Germany since
"Puff" is a colloquial term for whorehouse.
Jolly Green Giant translated into Arabic means
"Intimidating Green Ogre."
When Coca-Cola first came to China, it was given a
similar sounding name ... but the characters used for the name meant "Bite
the Wax Tadpole."
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue wants us to know that
"It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," but the Spanish
translation came out as "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a
chicken affectionate."
2. ALL IN THE WORDS
WHICH
RIGHTS?
When you write copy, you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write.
Very
conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright the right
copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right
to copyright the right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job
of making the right rite copyright before the copyright can be right.
Should Tom Wright decide to write right rite, then
Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright.
Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright,
which Wright would have the right to right.
"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was
drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off."
The following excerpts are drawn from letters
written by citizens applying for payments from a state welfare agency.
I am glad to report that my husband who is missing
is dead.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given
birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my
son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
Unless I get my money soon, I will be forced to live
an immortal life.
You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this
make a difference?
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three
children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you
tell me why?
I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my
baby was born.
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and
has been visited regularly by the clergy.
Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The
man I am now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows.
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a
boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six
children I have on half a sheet of paper.
My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and
I haven't had any relief since.
I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been
in bed with the doctor for two weeks now and he doesn't do me any good. If
things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
I am writing to say that my baby was born two years
old, when do I get my money.
This is my eighth child, what are you going to do
about it?
Please send me money at once since I have fallen
into error with my landlord.
I have no children as yet as my husband is a bus
driver and works day and night.
Have
to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? Here are a few
suggested phrases:
For
the chronically absent:
"A
man like him is hard to find."
"It
seemed her career was just taking off."
For
the office drunk:
"I
feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We
generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every
hour with him was a happy hour."
For
an employee with no ambition:
"He
could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You
would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
"He
consistently achieves the low standards he sets for himself."
For
an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I
can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
For
an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I
would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of
employment."
"All
in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him
too highly."
For
a stupid employee:
"There
is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I
most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications
whatsoever."
For
a dishonest employee:
"Her
true ability was deceiving."
"He's
an unbelievable worker."
This couple had married for just two weeks. The man, although very much in love, decided it was time to go out
into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new babe, "Honey, I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going, Coochy Cooh...?" she
asked. "I'm going to the bar,
Pretty Face. I'm going to have a
beer." She says to him, "You
want a beer, my love?" Then she
opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer,
brands from 12 different countries:
Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The guy doesn't know what to do, and the only thing
that he can think of saying is, "Yes, Loolie Loolie...but the bar.... you know...they serve beer in a frozen
glass..." He didn't get to finish
the sentence, when she interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass,
Puppy Face?" She takes a huge beer
mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.
The guy, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes,
Tootsie Wootsie, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really
delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochi
Pooh?" She opens the oven and
takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a
blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But sweet honey...at the bar... you know...
the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?"
"HERE.
DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR
FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!
GOT IT ASSHOLE?!!"
Contribution: Diane Howell
3. QUOTES XXXI
"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my
bath and she'd come in and sink my boat." - Woody Allen
"Over the past few years, scientists at Heinz
say they’ve been developing what they say is a revolutionary new kind of baby
bottle. It’s a baby bottle actually shaped like a woman’s breasts. If that’s
true, forget baby bottles, make beer bottles." - Jay Leno
"I care about our young people, and I wish them
great success, because they are our Hope for the Future, and some day, when my
generation retires, they will have to pay us trillions of dollars in social
security."
- Dave
Barry
(From 'Monty Python')
"We would like to apologize for the way in
which politicians are represented in this presentation. It was never our
intention to imply that politicians are weak-kneed political time servers who
are concerned more with their personal vendettas and private power struggles
than the problems of government. Nor to suggest at any point that they
sacrifice their credibility by denying free debate on vital matters in the
mistaken impression that party unity comes before the well-being of the people
they supposedly represent. Nor to
imply at any stage that they are squabbling little
toadies without an ounce of concern for the vital social problems of today. Nor
indeed do we intend that readers should consider them as crabby ulcerous little
self-seeking vermin with furry legs and an excessive addiction to alcohol and
certain explicit sexual practices which some people might find offensive. ...
We are sorry if this impression has come across."
"A woman came to ask the doctor if a woman
should have children after 35. I said 35 children is enough for any
woman." - Gracie Allen
"The other day I was narrowly missed a head-on
collision with another car, and just like they say, my life flashed before my
eyes. Now I carry a big bag of popcorn in my car for just such
occasions." - Chris Collins
"Don't invest all your money in just one or two
stocks. That's the danger. I know a man who put all his money in just two
stocks, a paper-towel company and a revolving-door outfit. He was wiped out
before he could turn around." -
Dave Astor
"In the beginning the world was without form,
and void. And God said 'Let there be light'. And God separated the light from
the dark. And did two loads of laundry." - Kevin Krisciunas
"The competitive spirit is fierce in the
Olympics. It has been this way since way back in 776 B.C., when the ancient
Greeks held the first Olympic games, sponsored by Ted's Discount House of
Hemlock. In those days, the athletes competed naked, which as you can imagine
meant that there was always a large audience, especially for the trampoline
event." - Dave Barry
"AT&T this week announced the first 40,000
layoffs. A spokesman for AT&T said, 'You know anyone who needs a good
spokesman?'" - Norm MacDonald
"I tell ya, a lot of people are in bad shape. A
guy stopped me in the street the other day. He told me he hasn't eaten in five
days. I said, 'I wish I had your will power.'" - Rodney Dangerfield
"I want to know what good is a web search
engine that returns 324,909,188 'matches' to my key word. That's like saying,
"Good news, we've located the product you're looking for. It's on
Earth." - Bruce Cameron
"Times have sure changed. Yesterday a bum asked
me if I could spare $2.75 for a double cappuccino with no foam." - Bill Jones
"The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened
the door there was my mother-in-law on the front porch. She said 'Can I stay
here for a few days?' I said: 'Sure you can,' and shut the door." - Unknown
"Some people ask the secret of our long
marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little
candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go
Fridays." Henny Youngman
4. HUMOROUS COMPANY NAMES
Amigone
Funeral Home - funeral home in Buffalo,
N.Y.
Analy Bazaar
- now-defunct variety store in
Sebastopol, Ca.
Bang's
Ambulance Service - in Ithaca (situated right next to a "Bang's Funeral
Home ... conflict of interests, perhaps?)
Beaver Body
Works - auto body repair in Baltimore.
Benson
Furniture & Mortuary - in Cedarville, Ks.
Curl Up and
Die - purported to exist as a beauty shop in Chicago.
Edifice
Wrecks - purported to exist as a building demolition company.
Fag Bearings
- in Springfield, Mo.
Hugg the
Druggist - drug store in Paducah, Ky. (their slogan was "Hug the Druggist
and Kiss the Delivery Boy)
Hursen
Funeral Homes - in the Chicago area (good to know that transportation is
included)
Maikedough,
Dolunch & Wanke - law firm in Sydney, Australia.
PMS
Industries - photography.
Property
Management Services - real estate
company with big metal signs in front of houses all over Lawrence (Kansas) that
read "PMS". It is also owned
and consists of mostly women. No joke.
5. RUSSIAN ADVERTISING
Here is an original ad…but you may have already
seen it…Don’t forget to put the sound on!
Contribution: Tauno Jalanti
6. I've
learnT…
If you have some time left to go on reading, here
is something to think about:
I’ve learnt…
that you can do something in an instant that will
give you heartache for life.
that it's taking me a long time to become the
person I want to be.
that you should always leave loved ones with
loving words. It may be the last time
you see them.
that you can keep going long after you can't.
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter
how we feel.
that either you control your attitude or it
controls you.
that regardless of how hot and steamy a
relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something
else to take its place.
that heroes are the people who do what has to be
done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
that my best friend and I can do anything or
nothing and have the best time.
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you
when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to
be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
that true friendship continues to grow, even over
the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
that just because someone doesn't love you the way
you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
that maturity has more to do with what types of
experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with
how many birthdays you've celebrated.
that no matter how good a friend is, they're going
to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by
others. Sometimes you have to learn to
forgive yourself.
that no matter how bad your heart is broken the
world doesn't stop for your grief.
that our background and circumstances may have
influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
that just because two people argue, it doesn't
mean they don't love each other and just because they don't argue, it doesn't
mean they do.
that we don't have to change friends if we
understand that friends change.
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a
secret. It could change your life
forever.
that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.
that your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.
that even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
that credentials on the wall do not make you a
decent human being.
that the people you care about most in life are
taken from you too soon.
Contribution: Diane Howell