THE LAST META OF THE XXTH CENTURY
The Spiritual Translator Newsletter
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IN META TODAY
1 QUOTES XX
2. JOKES
3 WHAT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
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1. QUOTES XX
"I went to see my doctor and told him: Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said ... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." - Rodney Dangerfield
"I gave my cat a bath the other day...He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that..." - Steve Martin
"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work." - Robert Orben
"To have lost one parent is a misfortune. To have lost both looks like carelessness." - Oscar Wilde
"My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend." - Rodney Dangerfield
"A man finds out what is meant by a spitting image when he tries to feed cereal to his infant." - Imogene Fey
"I want either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it." - Ashleigh Brilliant
"Marriage life is full of excitement and frustration. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBORS listen." - Unknown
"The Universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house." - Woody Allen
Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these words: "Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."
"No, the best way to prepare is to write programs, and to study great programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the Computer Science Center and I fished out listings of their operating system." - Bill Gates
"My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed." - Christopher Morley
"In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said 'Let there be light'. And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry." - Kevin Krisciunas
"Many people don't realize that playing dead can help not only with bears, but also at important business meetings." - Jack Handey
"New York City: No matter how many times I visit this great city I'm always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxi cab." - Scott Adams
Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."
"I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping." - Steven Wright
"They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning." - Billie Holliday
"Throwing up on rugs is the primary function of dogs, as a species. If you were to put a dog in the middle of the Sahara, the dog would immediately start trotting in a straight, purposeful line, and it would continue night and day, traveling thousands of miles if necessary, defying exhaustion, starvation, and thirst, until it located a rug, which it would throw up on." - Dave Barry
"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window." - Steve Bluestone
"I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but he should stick to acting."
--Craig Kilborn, on Steven Seagal's southern rock albums
Black holes are where God divided by zero. ----David Brenner
3. JOKES
This one may be a repeat from the archives but as many among us are going to take the plane for the holidays here are the...
"Flight Crews Humorous Statements"
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
Pilot - "Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National Procrastination day. If you get a chance this week, please try to celebrate it. If you can't get to it, then maybe try to do it at the weekend, but no big rush. Have a nice day."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
Here are a few heard from Northwest:
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight..."
"Smart Cow-Boy"
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
"Taste My Soup. Please!"
One afternoon a waiter served a bowl of chicken soup to an elderly gentleman.
As he turned away to return to the kitchen the customer stopped him, calling: "Waiter!"
WAITER: "Yes,sir, is there something wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."
WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"
WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it."
Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"
To which the customer replied triumphantly, "Ah ha!!"
"An Englishman, a Canadian and an American " were captured by terrorists.
The terrorist leader said: "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."
The Englishman replied: "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."
The Canadian replied: "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."
The American replied: "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."
"Lent Wedding Night"
On the first night of their honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped into a sexy, but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."
"Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," she exclaimed, close to tears. "To whom and for how long?!"
"Name your penis"
A tall, dark, handsome straight man was walking down the boulevard one July afternoon.
It was hot -103 - and he became so hot he took off his shirt. He had a craving for an ice cold beer.
He came upon a bar and walked right in, relishing the refuge of the AC.
He looked around and sighed. Two men were kissing in the corner - it was a gay bar.
"No big deal", he thought, "I'm just here for a beer."
He went up to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer.
"Sure thing," the bartender replied, "But first, you have to tell us what you call your penis."
(Exasperated look) The man was like, "I don't know...."
The man on his left said "I call mine Chevy like a rock."
The man on his right said, "Yeah, I call mine Ford - you know - built to last."
The man behind him said, "I call mine Energizer - keeps on going and going."
The man in the corner said, "I call mine Mentos - all day strong, all day long."
The bartender said "I call mine Extra -lasts an extra, extra, extra long time."
The straight man began to be weary of the gay audience gathered around him, waiting for his response.
Finally, in a cautious tone, he replied, "Uhmmm (sigh) Uhmm.... I call mine Secret - you know -strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."
"Little Johny"
A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing.
In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted.
At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.
She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.
"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm.Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "at our house, we have everything."
"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."
"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."
"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.
"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant.
That's when my dad said "God, that's all we needed."
THREE DRUNK STORIES
"Strength"
Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.
The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands.
By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?"
"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
"I Can't Do That, Officer!"
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
"Mistaken Drunk"
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice
came over the line.
"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
FOUR JEWISH STORIES
"Brides Of Christ"
At an Easter mass, at which some young ladies were to take their finals vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two rabbis enter the church just before the mass began.
They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle.
The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began.
When it came time for some announcements, his curiosity got the best of him.
He announced that he was delighted to see two rabbis in their midst at the mass but, was curious as to why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "brides of Christ."
The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom."
"Divorce After 54 Years"
Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you.
However, I don't want to discuss it.
I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know.
I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know.
I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ, and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.
"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to do next Yom Tov to get them to come down?"
DICTIONARY:
Passover (Pesach) is a Jewish Holiday which traditionally continues for eight days. It commemorates the Exodus of the Jews from their enslavement in Egypt.
Seder is festive meal during which the story of Passover is retold. It is held on the first and second nights of Passover. And boy, it's a long one!
Yom Tov: translates into English as Good Day, as in "I hope your holiday is a good day." (Hebrew)
"A Day Before Pesach (Passover)"
I had 12 bottles of whiskey in my cellar and I was instructed by my wife to empty each and every bottle down the drain, so I proceeded with the task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I then poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank.
I then pulled the cork from the fourth sink, poured the bottles down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29 and put the house in the bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incahol, but thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get!!!
"A Jewish Knight?"
Recently, Rabbi Jacobawitz, the chief rabbi of England, was knighted by the Queen. As part of the knighting ceremony, Rabbi Jacobawitz had to kneel before the Queen, and as we all know Jews do not bow before anyone except Hashem.
On top of that, he was told to recite a paragraph from the Christian liturgy in Latin during the actual knighting.
The Rabbi was in a quandary, as this was being televised, but he could NOT violate the Jewish laws.
The five honorees were lined up waiting for the Queen to receive them. As Her Royal Highness entered the room all kneeled, except for Rabbi Jacobawitz. The Queen noticed this, but diplomatically ignored it. Then, the Queen began knighting each person.
When she came to Rabbi Jacobawitz, who still wasn't kneeling, she looked at him expectantly. Realizing she was waiting for the Latin recitation, he began to sweat and shake with nervousness.
Then, in a fit of utter desperation, he said the first thing that came to mind,
"Ma nish tana haleilah hazeh!"
The Queen, perplexed, turned to Prince Charles and asked,
"Why is this knight different from all other knights?"
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A bit of explanations for the non-Jewish subscribers:
Hashem is one of the permissible names Jews can use to refer to G-d, not wishing to say His name in vain.
"Ma nish tana haleilah hazeh" literally translated from Hebrew
"Why is this NIGHT different from all other NIGHTS?" It is the first of the four questions, traditionally asked by the youngest child during Seder.
Seder is festive meal during which the story of Passover is retold. It is held on the first and second nights of Passover. And boy, it's a long one!
"Short Stories XII"
Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.
The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB."
The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH."
The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM."
The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."
At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it."
Then she left.
Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying,
"Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas.
She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night.
Very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!".
"Did you fake it this time, darling?" the man asked after making love to his wife.
"No, dear" she replied "This time I was really asleep."
An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
After several unsuccessful advances, the bachelor asked his alluring but standoffish date: "Do you shrink from making love?"
"If I did," she sighed, "I’d be a midget."
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man he saw on the beach?
A: How do you eat with that thing?
THE STORY
"Our Hero"
Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.
Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.
He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.
"Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
Contributed by: Steven
3 WHAT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN BY DAVE BARRY
1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.
2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
3. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
6. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
11. You should not confuse your career with your life.
12. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
15. Your friends love you, anyway.
16. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance
Contribution Marianne Ajana (Denmark)
AND BECAUSE THIS IS THE LAST META OF THE XIXTH CENTURY,
HERE ARE SOME RESOLUTIONS FOR THE NEW YEAR:
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
- Mother Teresa -
Contribution: Emilia (Brazil)