META - ENGLISH - August 25, 1999

The Spiritual Translator Newsletter

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IN META TODAY

1. QUOTES X

2. JOKES

3. STORIES

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1. QUOTES X

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"The grass is always greener on the other side, except maybe in the Sahara, cause I bet there it pretty much sucks everywhere." - Meghan Skinner

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy - in a jar on my desk." - Steven King

 "If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend."- Doug Lars

"It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper." - Rod Serling

"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"" - Steven Wright

"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'" - Elayne Boosler

"Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge where there is no river." - Nikita Krushchev

"The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as large as it needs to be." - Unknown

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance." - Steven Wright

"At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time." - Woody Allen (from "Side Effects)

"The most flattering comments on your hair come the day before you're scheduled to have it cut." - Unknown

 "Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so." - Douglas Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide To The Galaxy"

"Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?" Then a voice answers, "Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up." - Charlie Brown (by Charles Shultz)

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." - Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina, USA

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time." - Steven Wright

QUOTATION, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.- Ambrose Bierce

"If my husband ever met a woman on the street who looked like one of his paintings he would faint."- Jacqueline Roque, wife of Pablo Picasso

2. JOKES

One morning the Pope awoke in his bedchamber in the Vatican. To his surprise, he noticed that he had woken up with a massive erection.; Perplexed, he called on his personal physician.

"Doctor, this should not be possible," he said, "I'm the Pope, and I'm celibate! I haven't had one of these for 50 years!"

The doctor's reply was, "Well, father, this is a natural phenomenon for all men, and it will happen even to you from time to time". The Pope exclaimed "But you must do something about this! I have mass in an hour, and this thing isn't going away!"

The doctor replied "You have two options... either I can administer an injection to your penis to make the problem go away, which will hurt and make you feel ill, or you can just quietly go into the toilet over there and relieve yourself."

Fearing the injection, the Pope elects the second option. Unbeknownst to him, a paparazzi photographer has sneaked into the Vatican, and just as the Pope reaches that point of no return, up pops the photographer and begins snapping away.

The Pope immediately summons his security guards, who arrest the photographer, and begin to beat him up. The paparazzo shouts out, "Hey, I thought you were a Christian organization! What has happened to your forgiveness?"

Upon reflection, the pope agrees with the photographer, and relents, saying "Yes, my son, you are right, we shall release you. Unfortunately, we cannot return your camera, as we cannot allow the scandal of what is contained on the film to be seen in the outside world."

Never slow to take an opportunity, the photographer replies, "But this is how I make my living! If you take my camera, I'll lose the money I could have sold the photographs for!"

The Pope, feeling guilty, agrees. "Very well, we will compensate you. How about $100,000?"

Ecstatic, the man agrees, and is soon on his way. The Pope, meanwhile attends confession, and the whole story comes out. For his penance, he is therefore ordered to walk three times around St. Peter's, with the offending camera around his neck.

Out on his walk, he meets a Japanese tourist:

"Ah, so, very nice Japanese camera you got there,

Mr. Pope," says the man, "how much you pay for it?"

"Being the Pope, I cannot tell a lie," he replies, "I must confess that I paid $100,000 for it."

"Ah," says the Japanese gentleman, "look like someone saw you coming!"

Three women, A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come home from work at the same time and get on the elevator.

The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says: "

OOOOOhhh that looks like semen." She reaches out and touches the blob with her fingers and says "It feels like semen."

The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers, smells it, and says "It smells like semen."

Judi, the blonde,  reaches out and touches it with her fingers and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says, "It doesn't taste like anyone in this building . . ."

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there

will be another bomb on the plane.(Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

At a recent PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software.  A rep from the company was just about to start the demo and he asked everyone in the room to please quite down.  The rep "shelled" out to a DOS prompt to demonstrate how well the software would work in all applications.

All eyes were turned towards the huge monitors showing the infamous C:> that was on the computer.

Just then, someone in the back of the room yelled,

"FORMAT C:    RETURN"

And, some fool chimed right in:

"YES    RETURN"

Unfortunately the software worked just fine.

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better.

However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes. This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him.

There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."

"Any bad habits, Miss Anderson?" asked the young executive interviewing a shapely secretarial applicant: "Gum-chewing, tardiness, gossiping, chastity?"

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

 "Did my wife say anything when you called and said I would be working late at the office?" asked the executive, nuzzling his ravishing secretary.

"The only thing she said," answered the secretary, "was: 'Can I count on it?' "

 What do Jewish people do on Christmas Day? They stand around the cash register and sing: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus".

A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, "I'm really hungry and thirsty too. It was freakin' freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.

After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.They both think for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine".

So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."

Our office discussions somehow turned to charging hookers on your corporate card (I claim innocence). The obvious problem is getting the expense account cleared with "Hooker" as a line item.

We noticed through repeated arduous trials that the local strip club (the French Maid) shows up as "French Restaurant," and decided hookers would do the same thing. But what would they discretely call themselves?

"Laptop servicing," of course.

A man who worked for the fire department came home

from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the firehouse. Bell #1 rings, and we all put our jackets on. Bell #2 rings, and we all slide down the pole. Bell #3 rings, and we are on the truck and ready to go!"

"So," he continues, "From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell #1, I wan tyou to strip naked. When I say Bell #2, I want you to

jump into bed and when I say Bell #3, we're going to make love all night!"

The wife is agreeable with this arrangement.

The next night, he came home from work and yelled, "Bell #1!"

The wife took off all her clothes.

"Bell #2!".....The wife jumped into bed.

"Bell #3!"..... They began passionate loving...

After two minutes, the wife yelled, "Bell #4!".....

The husband asked "What the hell is this Bell #4?"

"MORE HOSE!" she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."

A man and his wife have separate bedrooms because of his loud snoring. One night when he was feeling amorous, he called out to his wife. "Oh my little boopey-boo, I miss you."

So his wife got up went to his room. As she was walking in she tripped on the carpet and fell flat on her face.

"Oh," he said sweetly, "did my little honey-woney hurt her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up, enters her husband's bed and they make passionate love.

Afterward, as she is going back to her room, she once again trips on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man raises his head from the pillow, looks at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch."

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :-) means a smile and :-( is a frown.

Well, how about some "ass cons"?

Here goes:

(!) a regular ass

(!) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(.) a flat ass

(^) a bubble ass

(*) a sore ass

(o) an ass that's been around

(O) an ass that's been around even more

(x) kiss my ass

(X) leave my ass alone

(zzz) a tired ass

(o^o) a wise ass

(13) an unlucky ass

($) Money coming out of his ass

(?) Dumb Ass

An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend a baseball game. The director spent daystraining the patients to obey his commands, so there wouldn't be any trouble.

The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just before the first pitch. When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the inmates immediately rose. When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat.

The game proceeded and the inmates were well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, "Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans.

Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on.

The director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What happened?"

"Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came over and yelled, 'Pea-nuts'!

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents.After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar." he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Sum Ting Wong, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report: Most Honorable

Sir: You leave house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree, look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see. No Fee.

Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I just shot", he replied. "That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the farmer. Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to "No", replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care." "I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street." "Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the '3 kicks law'." "Never heard of it", said Johnny. The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours". Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough", he said. So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs.

After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. "All right, now it's my turn", said Johnny. "Aw, forget it", said the farmer. "You can have the duck.

Sent by Thierry (Switzerland)

3) STORIES

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

To handle yourself, use your head,

To handle others, use your heart.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.

If someone betrays you once, it's his fault.

If he betrays you twice, it's your fault.

Great minds discuss ideas;

Average minds discuss events;

Small minds discuss people.

God Gives every bird it's food, but He does not throw it into it's nest.

He who loses money, loses much;

He who loses a friend, loses more;

He who loses faith, loses all.

Beautiful young people are acts of nature,

but beautiful old people are works of art.

Learn from the mistakes of others.

You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people can hold it.

Sent by Emilia (Brazil)

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away they were meant to be there...to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become.

And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. Safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The successes and downfalls you experience create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, the lessons they teach us are probably the most poignant and important ones of all. If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart to. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and open your heart and eyes to little things.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again.

Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen.

Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high.

Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create your own life and then go out and live it.

Maria-Eugenia (Peru)