"Where
humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad,
although you can be sure that everyone will." - John Kenneth Galbraith
I
never write 'metropolis' for seven cents because I can get the same price for
'city.' I never write 'policeman'
because I can get the same money for 'cop.'" - Mark Twain
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IN META TODAY
1. PROVERBS FOR THE INTERNET AGE
2. ALL IN THE WORDS
3. QUOTES
XXVII
4 EXAMPLE OF SCIENTIFIC
TRANSLATION
5. THE ARABIAN INSULTS
GENERATOR
6. A FILE TO RELIEVE YOUR STRESS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. PROVERBS FOR THE INTERNET AGE
1.
'Ome is where you 'ang your @
2. The
E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4.
You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5.
Great groups from little icons grow.
6.
Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7.
C:\ is the root of all directories.
8.
Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9.
Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10.
The modem is the message.
11.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12.
The geek shall inherit the earth.
13.
A chat has nine lives.
14.
Don't byte off more than you can view.
15.
Fax is stranger than fiction.
16.
What boots up must come down.
17.
Windows will never cease.
18.
In Gates we trust.
19.
Virtual reality is its own reward.
20.
Modulation in all things.
21.
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22.
The http://www.joker.org is on you.
23.
Know what to expect before you connect.
24.
Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25.
Speed thrills.
26.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he
won't bother you for weeks.
2. ALL IN THE WORDS
“Obscene Phone Call”
A little old ladie’s phone rings late one night
and she answers it.
"Hello," a deep voice on the other end
says, "I know you, you'ld like me to push you down on the bed and rip all
your clothes off, lick your body all over and make rough love to you."
The old lady looks at the phone blushing and, in
amazement, replies, "You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?'"
“Proper Pronunciation “
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All
the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress, wearing a very
short skirt and legs that won't quit, came to his table and asked if he was
ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful
frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns
and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and
asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly
checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over
and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms
away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
"Um, I think it's pronounced 'Quiche'."
“Hot dogs?”
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat
and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country
actually eat dogs.
"Odd," her companion replies, "but
if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they
both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor
is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them
over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap
their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She
begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun
and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
3. QUOTES
XXVII
"I
wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at
the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up." - Harry Hershfield
"My
wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar
and wanted to know who May was."
- Rodney Dangerfield
"Whenever
I feel blue, I start breathing again."
- Larry Baum
George
C. Scott as General Buck Turdgison in 'Dr Strangelove': "Mr. President,
I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed. But I do say no more than ten
to twenty million killed ... tops!
Err.. depending on the breeze."
"My
girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading." - Emo Philips
"There
are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have
diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." - Rich Jeni
"A
diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you
actually look forward to the trip." - Caskie Stinnet
"I
planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it." - Steven Wright
"If
a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a
hostage situation?" - Steven
Wright
"Did
you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in
front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do
we really think we are making progress toward our destination? 'Whew, I thought
we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee
and a danish.'" - Seinfeld
"I
have never been lost, but I will admit to being confused for several
weeks." - Daniel Boone
"A
study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last
year." - Marty Allen
"I'd
like to do something to just melt my wife's heart for Valentine's day, but its
not an easy thing to do. I mean, do you know how hot you have to get a human
heart before it will melt?" -
Patrick Kim
"Have
you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still
can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes
clean? These guys can't even get the
DETERGENT white!" - Seinfeld
"I
used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I
realized who was telling me this."
- Emo Phillips
"For
mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of
lemon to each jar, for freshness."
- Jack Handey
"I
saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid
problem?'" - Emo Philips
"There
are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you
can boast about it." - Bertrand
Russell
"When
Solomon said that there was a time and a place for everything he had not
encountered the problem of parking an automobile." - Bob Edwards
"Sure the pen is mightier than the sword, but only because you can get it through metal detectors." - Mike Hayward
"I
love to go shopping. I love to freak
out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, 'Have you got
anything I'd like?' Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, 'Extra
medium.'" - Steven Wright
"As
I lay there, fighting for my last breath, wracked by pain, unable to move, I
realized that indeed there are some things NOT worth dying for ... so I ditched
the Wonder Corset." - Anna L.
Juarez
4 EXAMPLE OF SCIENTIFIC TRANSLATION
Paleoanthropology
Division Smithsonian Institute 207
Pennsylvania
Avenue Washington, DC 20078
Dear
Sir:
Thank
you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer
seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed
examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it
represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston
County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found
is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small
children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great
deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain
that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe
to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are
a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off
to its modern origin:
1.
The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically
fossilized bone.
2.
The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well
below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3.
The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with
the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating
Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the
most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this
institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us
say that:
A.
The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B.
Clams don't have teeth.
It
is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have
the specimen carbon dated. This is
partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and
partly due to carbon dating notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic
record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to
1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that
we approach the National Science Foundation's
Phylogeny
Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name
"Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one,
fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was
ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and
didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However,
we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the
museum. While it is undoubtedly not a
hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great
body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has
reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you
have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates
daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have
discovered in your back yard. We
eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your
last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating
fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the
excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the
deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent
wrench.
Yours
in Science,
Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities
5. THE ARABIAN INSULTS
GENERATOR
If you like to fill your mouth with words, here is a site to visit.
"May seven hundred fifty thousand vermicious box makers spew technicolor chunks in your bible" ... "May five million sleazy rock stars play with dolls in your beer" ... for these and dozens more Arabian insults, visit the page below. A new insult every time.
http://www.cris.com/~pelevin/insults/insults.shtml
6. A FILE TO
RELIEVE YOUR STRESS
Just click on the link and download the file on
your computer in a “temp” directory if you do not want to keep it. You can
always move it after to another directory, if you like it. (No virus, I have it
on my computer and my ftp site).