META - ENGLISH - August 18, 1999

The Spiritual Translator Newsletter

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Here are new words for the translators to use... and for the joy of the linguists.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.

Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.

Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

Do you know I collect movies. I have about 1600 in my collection. Well what you are going to read is the perfect truth...

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilisation.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

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IN META TODAY

1. QUOTES IX

2. JOKES

3. MY SON

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The six phases of a project:

1. Enthusiasm

2. Disillusionment

3. Panic

4. Search for the Guilty

5. Punishment of the Innocent

6. Praise and Honors for the Non-Participants

- Unknown

"When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: 'I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.'"

- Unknown

"In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued."

- Helen Rowland

"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."

- Erma Bombeck

"Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?"

- Peg Bracken

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

- Steven Wright

"I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks."

- Joe E. Lewis

"A careful driver is one who honks his horn when he goes through a red light."

- Henry Morgan

"The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it."

- P.J. O'Rourke

Lady Astor: "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea." Winston Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it!"

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons." - Woody Allen

"Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she has laid an asteroid."- Mark Twain

"The problem with political jokes is they get elected." - Henry Cate VII

"When I see something as tender as a mother holding a baby to her breast, I think to myself, 'Man, I wish that damn baby would get out of the way." - Jim Rosenberg

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say it's because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have *photographs* of her." - Ellen DeGeneres

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

hard at work in his office. Bob works independently, without

wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended

measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be

dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

sent away as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

Project Leader

The following Memo was soon sent following "The Letter"

That stupid dolt was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read every second line (i.e.. 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, ..) for my true assessment of him.

Regards,

Derek Crabb

Project Leader

I have a spelling checker

It came with my PC.

It plane lee marks four my revue

Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.

Your sure real glad two no.

Its very polished in its weigh,

My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.

It freeze yew lodes of thyme.

It helps me right awl stiles two reed,

And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen

Eye trussed too bee a joule.

The checker pours o'er every word

To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checkers

Hour spelling mite decline,

And if we're laks oar have a laps,

We wood bee maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling

Is checked with such grate flare,

There are know faults with in my cite,

Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does not phase me,

It does knot bring a tier.

My pay purrs awl due glad den

With wrapped words fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet

Of witch won should be proud,

And wee mussed dew the best wee can,

Sew flaws are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays

Such soft wear four pea seas,

And why eye brake in two averse

Buy righting want too please.

A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks to himself, "Uh oh. What happened last night?"

He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his gown. Again he thinks, "What happened last night. What have I done? It must have been a wild party," making his best attempt to conclude and accept the evidence.

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "If there's a God, please let this be a tea bag."

"I followed your husband to two bars on Elm Street, three on Maple, and to the Humpmore Motel," the private eye told his client. 

"Do you think that's enough grounds for me to get a divorce?"the client asked.

"I'm not sure. He was trailing you!"

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.

As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "what happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes, was his reply."

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a co-worker in the hospital. "How are things at the office going, Claudia ?" she asked. "Well, they're all sharing your work. Jody is making the coffee, Louise is reading all your magazines, and Sharon is making it with the Boss."

 A Priest at a Church picnic was staring at a member of his parish wearing the tiniest of bikinis. A Nun walked over and said, "Shame on you Father, staring at that woman like that!" The Priest replied, "Sister Mary Elizabeth, I know you to be on a diet, and yet I saw you ogling the buffet."

My friend was always teasing me about cybersex and trying to lead me on.  One day he wrote a really racy letter so I decided to "call his bluff".  Forgetting I'd deleted his letter out of habit, I accidently responded to my Recipe Du Jour list instead and wrote:  "Thanks a lot.  Now I can't get any work done.  My panties are wet from the anticipation of your next email."  A gentleman wrote back:  

"Sorry, I didn't realize salsa had such an effect."

Nici's friend was trying to fix a blocked pipe under the sink. "He'd disconnected the pipe and put a bucket under the basin to catch all of the water.  While he was working, he realized the bucket was getting full so he took the bucket and, yep, emptied back in the sink again . . . "

Steve's HR director sent out a note while back telling them that the Quarterly Management meetings would now be held every six months.

Frederick was discussing medical operations at work and said the phrase "general anesthesia".  Judi, within earshot, turned and asked, "Was that the guy down in Panama?"

An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."

He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."

He says, "Vy?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."

He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"

So the Zen master steps up to the hot dog cart and says: "Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen master. And the hot dog vendor responds: "Change must come from within."

Sent by Francois (Quebec)

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Some people might object to the religious character of the stories appearing in this section. However it is not my intention to preach any belief. In the course of my life, I have tried to study all religions from within. I accept them all as a mean to an end and consider the basic beliefs and stories as allegories showing us, in different cultures, the way to live in harmony with everybody around us. I do no judge any extremist in any religion; everybody has to live his/her passion in a different way. What counts is the teaching, not the teacher or the followers.

The day is over, you are driving home. You tune in your radio. You hear a little blurb about a little village in India where some villagers have died suddenly, strangely, of a flu that has never been seen before.

It's not influenza, but three or four fellows are dead, and it's kind of interesting. They're sending some doctors over there to investigate it.

You don't think much about it, but on Sunday, coming home from church, you hear another radio spot. Only they say it's not three villagers, it's 30,000 villagers in the back hills of this particular area of India, and it's on TV that night. CNN runs a little blurb; people are heading there from the disease center in Atlanta because this disease strain has never been seen before.

By Monday morning when you get up, it's the lead story. For it's not just India; it's Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iran, and before you know it, you're hearing this story everywhere and they have coined it now as "the mystery flu". The President has made some comment that he and everyone are praying and hoping that all will go well over there. But everyone is wondering, "How are we going to contain it?" That's when the President of France makes an announcement that shocks Europe. He is closing their borders. No flights from India, Pakistan, or any of the countries where this thing has been seen.

That night you are watching a little bit of CNN before going to bed. Your jaw hits your chest when a weeping woman is translated from a French news program into English:

"There's a man lying in a hospital in Paris dying of the mystery flu. "It has come to Europe." Panic strikes.

As best they can tell, once you get it, you have it for a week and you don't know it. Then you have four days of unbelievable symptoms. Then you die. Britain closes it's borders, but it's too late. South Hampton, Liverpool, North Hampton, and it's Tuesday morning when the President of the United States makes the following announcement: "Due to a national security risk, all flights to and from Europe and Asia have been canceled.

If your loved ones are overseas, I'm sorry. They cannot come back until we find a cure for this thing." Within four days our nation has been plunged into an unbelievable fear. People are selling little masks for your face. People are talking about what if it comes to this country, and preachers on Tuesday are saying, "It's the scourge of God."

It's Wednesday night and you are at a church prayer meeting when somebody runs in from the parking lot and says, "Turn on a radio, turn on a radio!!" While the church listens to a little transistor radio with a microphone stuck up to it, the announcement is made, "Two women are lying in a Long Island hospital dying from the mystery flu." Within hours it seems, this thing just sweeps across the country. People are working around the clock trying to find an antidote. Nothing is working. California, Oregon, Arizona, Florida, Massachusetts. It's as though it's just sweeping in from the borders.

Then, all of a sudden the news comes out. The code has been broken. A cure can be found. A vaccine can be made. It's going to take the blood of somebody who hasn't been infected, and so, sure enough, all through the Midwest, through all those channels of emergency broadcasting, everyone is asked to do one simple thing:

"Go to your downtown hospital and have your blood type taken. That's all we ask of you. When you hear the sirens go off in your neighborhood, please make your way quickly, quietly, and safely to the hospitals. " Sure enough, when you and your family get down there late on that Friday night, there is a long line, and they've got nurses and doctors coming out and pricking fingers and taking blood and putting labels on it. Your wife and your kids are out there, and they take your blood type and they say, "Wait here in the parking lot and if we call your name, you can be dismissed and go home."

You stand around scared with your neighbors, wondering what in the world is going on, and that this could be the end of the world.

Suddenly a young man comes running out of the hospital screaming. He's yelling a name and waving a clipboard. What? He yells it again! And your son tugs on your jacket and says, "Daddy, that's me." Before you know it, they have grabbed your boy. "Wait a minute, hold it!" And they say, "It's okay, his blood is clean. His blood is pure. We want to make sure he doesn't have the disease. We think he has got the right type. Your son could save the world."

Five agonizing minutes later, out come the doctors and nurses, crying and hugging one another some are even laughing. It's the first time you have seen anybody laugh in a week, and an old doctor walks up to you and says, "Thank you, sir. Your son's blood type is perfect. It's clean, it is pure, and we can make the vaccine."

As the word begins to spread all across that parking lot full of folks, people are screaming and praying and laughing and crying.

But then the gray-haired doctor pulls you and your wife aside and says, "May we see you for a moment? We didn't realize that the donor would be a minor and we need. . . we need you to sign a consent form." You begin to sign and then you see that the number of pints of blood to be taken is empty.

"H-h-h-how many pints?" And that is when the old doctor's smile fades and he says, "We had no idea it would be a little child. We weren't prepared. We need it all, sir."

"But...but..." "You don't understand. We are talking about the world here. Please sign. "But can't you give him a transfusion?" "If we had clean blood we would. Can you sign? Would you sign?" In numb silence you do. Then they say, "Would you like to have a moment with him before we begin?" Can you walk back? You asked yourself. Can you walk back to that room where he sits on a table saying, "Daddy? Mommy? What's going on?"

Can you take his hands and say, "Son, your mommy and I love you, and we would never ever let anything happen to you that didn't just have to be. Do you understand that?" And when that old doctor comes back in and says, "I'm sorry, we've - we've got to get started. People all over the world are dying." Can you leave? Can you walk out while he is saying, "Dad? Mom? Dad? Why - why have you forsaken me?"

And then next week, when they have the ceremony to honor your son, and some folks sleep through it, and some folks don't even come because they go to the lake, and some folks come with a pretentious smile and just pretend to care. Would you want to jump up and say, "MY SON DIED! DON'T YOU CARE?"

Is that what God is saying? "MY SON DIED. DON'T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I CARE?"

Author Anonymous