META - ENGLISH - 30/04/99

The Spiritual Translator Newsletter

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1. JOKES

Proper Care of Floppies

1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing diskettes, make sure application is even. This will allow the diskettes to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit in the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.

4. Never insert a disk into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes together into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be recorded on both diskettes.

6. Diskettes should not be inserted into or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light continues to flash in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the disk drive.

7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

8. Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

9. Diskettes can be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided they have been properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before inserting into drive (see item #2 above.)

10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data stored is much too small to be seen with the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.

11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

12. And particularly, watch out for that Bobbit virus. It will turn your harddrive into a 3.5" floppy...

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can't hear him.

"How bad is it?" the doctor asks.

"I have no idea", says the husband.

"Well, please test her. Say something 20 feet away, and if she doesn't hear you, get closer and say the same thing until she does. That way we'll have an idea of her range of hearing loss."

So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner.

From 20 feet: "What are we having for dinner?" No answer.

From 10 feet, same thing.

From 5 feet, same thing.

Finally he's standing right behind her.

"What's for dinner?"

She turns around, looks at him and says "For the fourth time, beef stew!"

A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his pants pockets.

On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for

her. He noticed after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit embarrassed, he said to the lady,

"It's all right ma'am, they're just golf balls."

She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said, "Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?"

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!"

When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets. "That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When I asked him if he was okay, he explained, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians."

* Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.

* Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.

* Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.

* Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.

* Anglican - They were our toys first.

* Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.

* Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.

* Atheism - There is no toy maker.

* Polytheism - There are many toy makers.

* Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.

* Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.

* Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to the opposite of heaven if we catch you selling yours.

* Baha'i - All toys are just fine with us.

* Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.

* Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.

* Mormonism - Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.

* Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second...

* Hedonsim - Hang the rule book! Let's play!

* 7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.

* Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.

* Baptist - Once played always played.

* Jehovah's Witnesses - He who "places" the most toys door-to-door, wins.

* Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.

* Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.

* Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.

* Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play.

The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper.

Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked.

On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... It slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me.

No, it didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a police car.

Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears. He simply stated: I am goingto have to write you up for flipping me the bird.

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well'" replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all her clothes and says, "You can have ANYTHING you want."

"Good choice," says the first, "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway!"

A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there. A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and decides to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He, too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but the mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting there and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get out. The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the shoulder and tells him, "You'll never get out!". He did.

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted. "Could I have a pint of ale?" "No!" she shouted. "Could I at least use your privvy?" "No!" she shouted again. The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" "What now?" the woman creeched, not allowing him to finish. D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

There's an old man sitting on his porch when a little boy walks by. "What'd you got there, little boy?", asks the old man?

"I got me some CHICKEN WIRE," replied the little boy. "What're you gonna do with that?" asked the old man. "Well, I'm gonna catch me some CHICKENS, of course," replied the little boy. "Little boy," said the old man, "you can't catch CHICKENS with CHICKEN WIRE!" "Oh yeah?" asked the little boy. "Watch me!" That evening, the little boy walked home with 3 chickens slung over his shoulder. The next day, the old man spotted the little boy again. "What do you got today, little boy?", he inquires. "I got me some DUCT TAPE." Replied the little boy. "Now what," asked the old man, "are you going to do with DUCT TAPE?" "What d'ya think?" asked the old boy, "I'm gonna catch me some DUCKS!" The old man found this ridiculous. "You can't catch DUCKS with DUCT TAPE," he told him. "Oh yeah?" asked the little boy. "Watch me!" That evening the little boy returned with 5 ducks over his shoulder, and the old man was amazed. The next day, the old man sees the little boy again. "What have you got now? he asks. "PUSSY-WILLOWS", says the little boy. Hang on," says the old man, "Lemme get my hat."

A husband and wife were driving on the highway when they got pulled over by a policeman. The policeman knocked on the window and said to the gentleman driving, "Do you realize that you were speeding?" The man replied, "I wasn't speeding." His wife looked at him and said, "Yes you were. You were going 20 miles over the speed limit." The husband looked at her and said, "Will you just keep your mouth shut?" The policeman then said to the husband, "I can also cite you for not wearing your seatbelt." The man said, "I was wearing it, but I took it off to get my license out." His wife said, "No you didn't, you weren't wearing your seatbelt." The husand then said, "I thought I told you to shut your mouth."

The policeman then looked into the window and said, "Excuse me ma'am, but does he always talk to you like that?" She said, "Oh no Officer, only when he is Drinking and Driving."

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

2. STORY

There was a man who loved fine art. He loved it so much he lived for it. It had become his whole life, and had literally engulfed him. He would work really hard to save up some money, just so he could buy another piece of fine art. He would buy Rembrandt's and Picasso's and many others works of fine art. The man had been widowed some years before but he had a son. As he raised his son, he included him in his hobby of collecting art. As his son grew, he also became a great art collector. His dad was very proud of him. Collecting fine art was something that they both loved to do and it brought them very close together. Some time passed by and their country suddenly became engulfed in a war. The son, like so many other young men, enlisted and went off to serve his country. He had been gone for some time, and then it happened.

One day the father received a letter. It said, we regret to inform you that your son is missing in action. The father's heart was broken. He loved his son so dearly and now he truly realized how much his son meant to him. It hurt so badly not knowing what had happened to him. A few weeks passed, and then another letter came. This letter just ripped his heart in two. It said, we regret to inform you that your son has been killed in action. The father could hardly bear to read on, but as he did he discovered the circumstances that his son had died under. The letter said that his son had made it back to safety. But that he had seen wounded soldiers out on the battlefield. And one by one, he would go back onto the battlefield and carry them to safety. As he was carrying in the last wounded soldier, a bullet struck him and killed him.

A month passed by and it was now Christmas Day. The father didn't even want to get up out of bed. He just couldn't imagine spending Christmas without his son. Then he heard the doorbell ring so he went downstairs to see who was there. When he opened the door he found a young man standing there holding a package. The young man said, Sir you don't know me. But I was the wounded soldier that your son was carrying when he was killed. He said, "I'm not a wealthy man. I don't have anything of value. That I can give you for what your son did for me. Your son had told me of your love for art, and although I'm not much of an artist, I painted a portrait of your son, and I'd like for you to have it."

The father took the package into the house and opened it. Then he went into the drawing room and took down the Rembrandt that was hanging over the fireplace. In its place he hung up the portrait of his son.

Then with tears streaming down on his face he told the young man, "This is my most prized possession. It is more valuable to me than any other work of art in my house." The father and the young man shared a meal and Christmas Daytogether and then the young man left. A few years later, the father became very ill. A short time later he died. News of his death spread far and wide. Everyone was in anticipation of the great auction that was to take place for all the pieces of art the man had collected.

Finally it was announced that the auction would be held on Christmas Day. Museum curators and collectors came from all around the world. They were all eager for the chance to bid on the fine art that was to be auctioned.

The house swelled full of people. Then the auctioneer stood up and said, "I'd like to thank you all for coming. The first piece up for auction will be the portrait behind me." From the back of the room someone yelled out, "That's just a picture of the old man's kid! Why don't we just skip it, and get on to the real treasures?"

The auctioneer said, "We have to sell this portrait first, and then we can move on."

The auctioneer asked, "Who would start the bidding at $100?"

No one answered so he asked, "Would anyone bid $50?"

Still no one answered so he asked, "Would any one bid $40?"

Again no one would bid on the portrait. So the auctioneer asked, 'Will nobody bid on this portrait?"

An elderly man stood up and asked, "Would you take $10 for it? You see $10 is all that I have. I'm the neighbor from across the street and I knew the boy. I watched him grow up and I really liked him. I'd like to have the portrait. So, would you take $10 for it?"

The auctioneer said, "$10 going once, going twice, and sold!"

Immediately a cheer went up and the people said to each other, "Oh boy, now we can get on to the real art."

The auctioneer then said, "I'd like to thank you all for coming. It's been a pleasure having you here today. That concludes our auction today."

The crowd grew very angry and asked, "What do you mean the auction is over? You haven't even begun to take bids on all these other works of art!"

The auctioneer said, "I'm sorry but the auction is closed. You see, according to the will of the father, WHOEVER TAKES THE SON GETS IT ALL!!! And that's the bottom line."

(Told by a missionary from Scotland.)