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06/04/99

1. LE COIN DES EXPRESSIONS IDIOMATIQUES

a. Expression d'aujourd'hui - Today's idiom - Hoy tiene que buscar el español!
-o- Il ne faut pas vivre au-dessus de ses moyens.
-o- Cut your coat according to your cloth.

b. In Kiswahili (from Kanyomozi, Uganda)
-o- Ni vizuri kumsifu mjinga badala ya kupigana naye
(It is better to praise a fool than to fight him)

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2. BLAGUE

Femme d'affaires en Enfer

Un jour, alors qu'elle traversait la rue, une femme d'affaires est renversée par un autobus et meurt. Elle arrive aux Portes du Paradis et est accueillie par Saint Pierre. "Bienvenue au Paradis", lui dit le grand concierge. "Avant que vous ne vous installiez, je dois vous faire part d'un petit problème vous concernant: aussi étrange que cela puisse paraître, nous n'avons jamais reçu de femme d'affaire au Paradis, et nous ne savons pas vraiment ce que nous allons faire de vous"

"Pas de problème, laissez-moi entrer, ça m'ira très bien," répond la femme.

"J'aimerai bien, mais j'ai des ordres qui viennent de plus haut. Ce qu'on va faire, c'est qu'on va vous laisser passer un jour en Enfer et un jour au Paradis; ensuite, on vous laissera choisir l'endroit où vous passerez l'éternité."

Et la femme est envoyée en Enfer. Elle arrive directement sur un superbe terrain de golf au gazon taillé au millimètre. Le personnel d'entretien habillé sur son 31 la conduit immédiatement au country-club, et là, tous ses amis et relations de travail déjà décédés l'accueillent et lui font la fête. L'ambiance est très très chic et bon enfant. À la suite de cela, tout le monde se rejoint sur le parcours de golf et c'est parti pour une partie de rêve. À la fin de la partie, les participants se retrouvent au restaurant du club pour un excellent repas. D'ailleurs, au cours de ce dîner, la femme fait la connaissance du Diable qui se révèle être un gars plutôt sympa et mignon aussi...

La femme s'amuse tellement que sans s'en rendre compte, le temps de repartir arrive. C'est alors une grande séance de bises et autres serrages de mains fraternels, et puis la femme se retrouve devant Saint Pierre qui l'envoit passer 24heures au Paradis.

La femme passe la journée qui suit à paresser dans les nuages, à chanter des psaumes et à jouer de la harpe. Elle ne voit pas le temps passer et là encore, les 24 heures se terminent trop vite.

À l'issue des ces deux périodes d'essai, Saint Pierre la questionne: "Alors, tu as passé un jour en Enfer et un jour au Paradis. Maintenant que décides-tu? Où vas-tu passer l'éternité?"

La femme marque une pause de quelques secondes et répond: "Eh bien, je n'aurai jamais penser dire ça un jour... C'est à dire... le Paradis c'est franchement bien, mais je pense que je m'amuserai vraiment plus en Enfer."

"Comme tu voudras!" répond Saint Pierre.
Et Hop, il l'expédie en Enfer. Lorsqu'elle arrive, elle tombe au milieu d'une terre aride et désolée, encombrée de détritus et colonisée par les rats. Elle rencontre toutes les connaissances qu'elle avait retrouvé la première fois, mais maintenant, toutes ces personnes sont habillées en haillons et sont en train de ramasser les ordures par terre pour les mettre dans des sacs. Le Diable qui traînait par là s'approche d'elle. Elle lui dit: "Je ne comprends pas, je suis venue ici hier et tout était beau, bien entretenu, formidable, quoi. Et maintenant tout ici est dégoûtant et même mes amis sont misérables...."

Le Diable lui fait un drôle de sourire et lui répond:
"Hier, on te recrutait; mais maintenant, tu fais partie du personnel."

Envoyé par Marie-Claude (Suisse)

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3. JOKES

Proper Pronunciation

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses areorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress, wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'Quiche'."

The Plan

In the Beginning was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.
And the darkness was upon the face of the workers.
And they spoke among themselves saying:
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."

And the workers went unto their supervisors, and sayeth:
"It is a pail of dung, and none can abide the odor thereof"

And the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, Such that none can abide it."

And the managers went unto the directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none can abide its strength."
And the directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another:
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong."

And the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth to them, "It promotes growth, and is very powerful."

And the vice presidents went unto the president, and sayeth unto him, "This new plan will actively promote growth and efficiency of this company, and certain areas in particular."

And the president looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good.

And the plan became policy.
And this is how shit happens.

The Superhighway?

Think of the computer highway AS a highway:

There it is again. Some clueless person talking about the "Information Superhighway." They usually don't know jack about the 'Net. It's nothing like a Superhighway. That's simply a bad metaphor.

Yeah, but suppose the metaphor ran in the other direction. Suppose the highways were like the Net. All right! Severe craziness. A highway hundreds of lanes wide. Most with potholes. Privately operated bridges and overpasses. No highway patrol. A couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles. 500 member vigilante posses with nuclear weapons. 237 on ramps at every intersection. No signs anywhere. Wanna get to Ensenada? Holler out the window at a passing truck to ask directions.

Ad Hoc traffic laws. Some people in lanes would vote to make use by a single-occupant-vehicle a capital offense on Monday through Friday between 7:00 and 9:00 am. People in other lanes would just shoot you without a trial for talking on a car phone.

AOL would be a barely-moving giant diesel-smoking bus with hundreds of ebola victims aboard and a toilet spewing out on the road behind it. People in the bus would be throwing dead wombats and rotten cabbage at the other vehicles, most of which would had been assembled at home from kits.

Some vehicles would be 2.5 horsepower lawnmower engines with a top speed of nine miles an hour. Others would burn nitroglycerine and idle at 120 mph.

No license tags, but World War II bomber nose art instead with terrifying paintings of huge teeth or vampire eagles. Bumper mounted machine guns would be the norm. Flip somebody the finger on this highway and get a white phosphorus grenade up your tailpipe. Flatbed trucks with anti-aircraft missile batteries would be ready to shoot down the KRUD traffic watch helicopter. You'd see a little kid on a tricycle with a squirtgun filled with hydrochloric acid catching a ride on your bumper.

No off ramps.

Now what do you think about the analogy?

Contributed by Archives

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4. CHISTE

Unas chicas ponen un anuncio en un periodico en el que piden un hombre valiente, puntual y viril. Al cabo de dos dias reciben una llamada y concertan una cita con un hombre. Cuando llega el dia y la hora llama a la puerta un amasijo humano sin pies ni brazos:
-¿Quien es usted? - Preguntan las chicas asombradas.
-El hombre que ustedes pedian, ¿ocurre algo? ¿he llegado tarde?
-No si puntual ha sido, pero ¿y valiente?
-Perdi brazos y piernas en la guerra, luchando.
-¿Y de virilidad como andamos?
-¿Con que se creen que he llamado?

Mandado por Robert (Costa Rica)

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07/04/99

1. LE COIN DES EXPRESSIONS IDIOMATIQUES

a. Expression d'aujourd'hui - Today's idiom - Hoy tiene que buscar el español!

-o- Il ne faut pas vendre la peau de l'ours avant de l'avoir tué
-o- Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.

This proverb first appear at the end of the XVIth Century with the verb "reckon" and was used in this form until the XIXth Century: "Do not reckon your chickens before they are hatched."

b. Yesterday's proverb in Spanish from Helena

-o- Hay que cobijarse hasta donde alcance (Il faut se couvrir avec ce que l'on a; we have to cover ourselves with what we have)

And from last week, here is a comment from Ernesto (Argentina)

" It's better to praise a fool than to fight him" En "argentino" hay uno muy parecido:

-o- "diganle al tonto que es guapo para verlo rempujar" (Dis à l'imbécile qu'il travaille bien pour le faire travailler; Tell the feebleminded he is a hard worker to make him work)

Entendiendo que "guapo" se le dice aqui a la persona dura en el trabajo, al trabajador y "rempujar" va por trabajar. Eso es de la historia de Martin Fierro (poema del argentino Jose Hernandez sobre los gauchos).

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2. BLAGUE

Blagues courtes IV

Un patron se présente devant sa secrétaire,une bouteille de Porto à la main. Le Patron: Vous prendrez bien un doigt ? La Secrétaire: Oh oui,volontiers. Mais auparavant, je prendrais bien un peu de Porto!

Fils de Cyclope: "Papa,papa,pourquoi on a qu'un oeil?" Le Pére: "Arrête de me casser la couille...."

Un petit de six ans rentre chez lui et va voir son père... Papa! papa! Aujourd'hui j'ai fait l'amour pour la première fois... Le père un peu choqué essaye d'avoir une réaction neutre... hmmm... Et tu penses recommencer bientot ? Ben je sais pas... ça fait quand même tres mal au derrière...

C'est deux newfies dans le désert, ils installent le câble de téléphone. L'un des deux se fait mordre par un serpent à sonnettes sur le bout de la queue. L'autre grimpe alors au poteau, se branche sur le câble et appelle un docteur. Celui-ci lui répond qu'il doit sucer la plaie. L'autre attendait les instructions du médecin: Pis,Pis qu'à t-il dit?! - Il a dit que tu allais mourir.

Un jour, Liz Taylor décide de se faire refaire la foufoune. Elle se rend donc en Suisse, dans une clinique spécialisee, ou on lui enleve le sexe et on lui en greffe un tout neuf. Le lendemain de l'opération, une infirmière lui apporte un bouquet de fleurs dans lequel se trouve une carte. Elle lit: 'Merci pour les oreilles. Signé Niki Lauda'

Deux vieux copains discutent. L'un d'eux est un coureur de jupons notoire, l'autre est beaucoup plus timide. Ce dernier est tout pensif, il s'est marié il y a peu de temps. Il dit à son ami: "Tu vois, moi, je n'avais jamais fait l'amour avec ma femme avant notre mariage... Et toi? - J'en sais rien! Elle s'appelle comment, ta femme?"

Comment appelle-t-on un dinosaure homosexuel? UN TRIPOTANUS! (tripote-anus)

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3. JOKES

Here we have a follow up to the "shit happens" story from Nicole (France)

TAOISM: Shit happens
HARE KRISHNA: Shit happens, Rama Rama, ding dong!
HINDUISM: This shit happened before and will happen again.
ISLAM: If shit happens, take a hostage.
ZEN: What is the sound of shit happening?
BUDDHISM: When shit happens, is it really shit?
7TH DAY ADVENTIST: Shit happens on Saturday.
PROTESTANTISM: Shit won't happen if I work harder.
CATHOLICISM: If shit happens, I deserve it.
JEHOVA'S WITNESS: Knock, knock! Shit happens!
UNITARIAN: What is this shit?
MORMON: Shit happens again and again and again...
JUDAISM: Why all this shit always happen to me?
RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit!

What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Computer Tech Manuals?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situations hopeless, and your systems gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the suckers gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppys getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your
ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your
mom!

Who are my Ancestors?

A little girl was puzzled as to her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?"
Her mommy said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?"
"Yes, dear, He did."
"And grandma and great grandma and daddy, too?" asked the little girl?
Again the answer was "yes."
The child shook her head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me there has been no sex in this family for 200 years?. . .No wonder everyone is so cranky!"

When in Rome...

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

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4. CHISTE

Leperos IX

¿Qué es un esqueleto en un armario? El campeón de escondite de Lepe

¿Cómo se sabe si un lepero ha usado una ordenador? Por que la pantalla tiene corrector líquido (Tippex).

¿Cómo se suicida un lepero? Se tira detrás de un autobús...

Llega un par de leperos de luna de miel y vienen bien cabreados, al preguntarle sus amigos como les fue dicen:
- Pues fue lo peor que nos pudo haber pasao, imagínate, nos vamos a Venecia y todo estaba inundao.

Llega un lepero a la clínica:
- Doctor me duele aquí.
- Pues quítese de allí.

En la radio lepera, se escucha el parte meteorológico:
- Hoy no sabremos que día hará, por que no se ve nada con la mierda de niebla que hace.

Se encuentran dos leperos y uno le dice al otro
- Ayer he probado lo que me recomendaste, eso del "Ron con Coca"
- ¿Sí? - dice el otro - ¿y que paso?
- Pues que el puto polvo no se disolvía.

Un par de leperos dispuestos a poner una zapatería, oyen que los mejores zapatos son los de cocodrilo, agarran una barca y se van a cazar cocodrilos. Después de haber matado ya mas de 50 cocodrilos le dice uno al otro:
- Mira, si cazamos otro mas sin zapatos, me largo.

Mandado por Robert (Costa Rica)

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08/04/99

1. LE COIN DES EXPRESSIONS IDIOMATIQUES

a. Expression d'aujourd'hui - Today's idiom - Refran de hoy

-o- Ne remets pas à demain ce que tu peux faire le jour même. (same as in English)
-o- Never put off till to-morrow what you can do to-day. (used for the first time in English by Chaucer in 1386)
-o- Al mal paso darle prisa. (Faire le mauvais pas à la hâte!; better make a bad step with haste!)

b. Yesterday's proverb: Spanish:
-o- No deben contarse los pollos antes de nacer (You must not count the chicken before they are born) from Helena

Italian
-o- non dire quattro finché non l'hai nel sacco (don't say four until you got them in a sack) from Luisa (Italy)

Second Italian equivalent
-o- Fare i conti senza l'oste (To do the count without the host) from Presenza (Canada)

Norwegian:
-o- Selg ikke skinnet før bjørnen er skutt. (Don't sell the fur until the bear is shot dead) from Ana (Norway)

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2. BLAGUE

Don du sang et autres..

C'est une petite fille qui va donner son sang au centre de transfusion.
Elle entre et l'infirmière lui demande :
- Alors ma petite tu es venue donner ton sang ?
- Oui madame
L'infirmière lui fait la prise de sang puis lui donne un petit sandwich au thon.
La petite en mangeant son casse-dalle regarde dans la pièce a côté. Elle y voit des hommes qui se baffrent au milieu d'innombrables plats de charcuterie, de canapés et de patisseries.
- Madame pourquoi eux y z'ont plein a manger et pas moi ?
- Tu vois ma petite eux ce sont des donneurs de sperme et comme c'est pas facile d'en avoir, on essaye de les attirer comme ça, tu comprends?
- Oui madame.
Deux semaines après la petite revient au centre.
- Alors ma petite tu est revenue donner ton sang.
- Hummm Hummm (dit la petite en faisant non de la tête et en fermant bien la bouche)

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3. JOKES

Criteria

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

Sent by Richard (Swizerland)

Hunting Trip

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life.

When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream.

He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"

Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes Crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

New Perspective

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.

The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer, " he responded, "and photographers take photographs."

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

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4. CHISTE

Diario de mi viaje a las Bahamas en barco . Maria Sarmiento
DIA 1: He subido al barco y me ha parecido muy bonito y grande
DIA 2: El capitan no deja de mirarme.
DIA 3: El capitan me ha invitado a una fiesta.
DIA 4: El capitan me dijo en la fiesta que si no haciamos Ñogo Ñogo hundia el barco.
DIA 5: He salvado a 850 personas.

Un hombre va a un puticlub y pide una puta baratilla:
-¿Que le parece una de 10000 ptas?
-Que va, que va, mas barata
-¿Quizas mil pesetas?
-Pero usted debe creerse que yo soy Onnasis, ¿no?
-¿Y cien pelas?
-Venga hombre, ¿esta chalao?
-Pues mire, vayase a la de la ultima puerta que es gratis.
-Esa me vale, voy para alla.
El tio va leyendo carteles en los que pone: Puta americana, puta francesa, puta inglesa, puta alemana, puta rusa... y en la ultima puerta lee el hombre: Puta calle.

Mandado por Robert (Costa Rica)

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09/04/99

Here are some comments about yesterday's proverb:

-o- Ne remets pas à demain ce que tu peux faire le jour même
-o- Never put off till to-morrow what you can do to-day

Español (Helena)
No dejes para mañana lo que puedas hacer hoy. (same as English)

Deutsch: (Elke and Ursula)
-o- Was du heute kannst besorgen, das verschiebe nicht auf morgen. (same as English)

Italiano (Tatiana)
-o- Non rimandare a domani quel che puoi fare oggi (same as English)

Arabic [Arabiatou!] (Mustafa)
-o- La tu ajil amal al yom ila al ghad (do not postpone today's work till tomorrow')

Mientras la equivalencia en español de ayer...was not exact!!!

-o- Al mal paso darle prisa
-o- Hurry and do the bad deed with speed! (Elisabeth)

Et en français :

-o- Il faut garder le meilleur pour la fin!!!
Je n'ai trouvé aucune équivalence; pourtant le sens est clair :"Dépêche-toi de faire ce que tu n'aimes pas (ce qui est mauvais)". J'interprète et j'extrapole...

Comme j'étais parti de l'espagnol, l'explication que m'avait donnée Maricela m'avait induit en erreur et j'avais conclu que le proverbe équivalent français était donc le proverbe d'hier!!!

b) Today's proverb - proverbe d'aujourd'hui

-o- Ce qui vient par la flute s'en va par le tambour
-o- Easy come, easy go

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Ships in the Night

There was once a young man who suffered from cancer... a cancer that couldn't be treated. He was 18 years old and he could die anytime.

All his life, he had been stuck in his house being taken care by his mother. He never went outside but he was sick of staying home and wanted to go out for once. So he asked his mother and she gave him permission. He walked down his block and found a lot of stores. He passed a music store and looked through the front door for a second as he walked by. Then he stopped and went back to look into the store once again. He'd seen a young girl about his age and he knew it was love at first sight.

He opened the door and walked in, not looking at anything else but her. He walked closer and closer until he was finally at the front desk where she sat. She looked up and asked "Can I help you?" She smiled and he thought it was the most beautiful smile he has ever seen before and he wanted to kiss her right then and there.

He said "Uh... Yeah... Umm... I would like to buy a CD." He picked one out and gave her money for it.

"Would you like me to wrap it for you?" she asked, smiling her cute smile again. He nodded and she went to the back to wrap the CD.

She came back with the wrapped CD and gave it to him. He took it and walked out of the store. He went home and put the wrapped CD in his closet, since he was not really interested in the music - just the young woman.

From then on, he went to the music store on his block everyday and bought a CD, and she wrapped it for him. Each day he brought the wrapped CD home and put it in his closet. He was still too shy to ask her out. He really wanted to, but he just couldn't build up enough courage.

His mother found out about this and told him to just ask her out. So the next day, he built up his courage and went to the store. He bought a CD like he had each day, and once again she went to the back of the store and came back with it wrapped.

He took it and when she wasn't looking, he left his phone number on the desk and ran out of the store.

A few days later, his mother heard the phone ring. !!!RRRRRING!!!

The mother picked up the phone and said, "Hello?"

It was the girl! She asked for the young man by name and the mother started to cry. His mother said, "You don't know, do you? He passed away yesterday."

The line was quiet except for the soft sounds from the boy's weeping mother.

Later in the day, his mother went into his room just to look around and remember him more vividly. She thought she would start by looking at his clothes. Upon opening the closet door, she was faced with piles and piles of the thin wrapped packages. She was surprised to find all those CDs and she picked one up, sat down on the bed, and started to open one.

Inside was a CD. As she took it out of the wrapper, a small folded piece of paper fell to the bed. The mother picked it up and started to read it.

Here's what the note said:

Hi... I think you're really cute. Do you want to go out with me? Love, Jacelyn

The mother opened another CD and again there was a piece of paper.

She read the second note:

Hi... I think you're really cute. Do you want to go out with me? Love, Jacelyn

Then she opened a third and found again a note....

So, friends, if you love someone, don't let any fears stop you. Honor your tender love while you have the opportunity. Take the chance, no matter how great it may seem. The chance may not always be yours.